Out Of Luck

barely breathing.

It hurt- it all hurt but it was what he brought on himself. Never once did Kurt think he would be this person. He was better than that. Was being the keyword. He swallowed dryly but kept himself as neutral as possible without shutting off until Blaine was finished. The thing is, he was right. Kurt wouldn’t have done this- without word or sign that he was even alive – it wasn’t who he was but he knew before he came here that he was different. As soon as he left he knew, and it only continued the longer he was gone. He wasn’t even human, none he less the same person. So wrapped up in his own world.
In their world.

He didn’t regret it. He only wished it hadn’t had this effect. He blinked and tried to turn his eyes back to normal but he was on the edge of tearing up and was telling himself that was cheating. He’s not sure how it is, but it didn’t feel right to look so human and not be during this. His fingertips hurt and he pressed his nails into his palms just in case. He didn’t need to freak Blaine out any further even if it was just a tint in his digits or nails growing. He reigned himself in with a deep breath and nodded slightly. “Yeah. I was selfish. I probably still am. It’s not who I always was or expected to become but it’s what happened. If I thought you’d react the way you did..” He didn’t mean to sound so.. Pleading.  Or close to it at least. “I thought you’d move on, Blaine. I hoped you’d listen to what I knew everyone else would say and you’d give up and I could force myself to let go so I wouldn’t be here right now but that didn’t work out either.” He thought Blaine might find someone else to look at with that warm look in his eyes Kurt was used to.   His gaze finally caught Blaine’s hand on the door handle and he felt suddenly defeated in a way.  "You weren’t supposed to wait..“  It was a high school romance, how long could it last anyway?  He didn’t sound like himself when thinking that The idea of forever with Blaine was a warming thought still, but their forevers were different now, weren’t they?  He couldn’t promise anything any more.

Blaine’s fingers gripping the door handle sagged and fell to his side and hung there, shoulders slouching backwards against the doorframe as the adrenaline rushed out of him in one long, deep exhale that rattled in his throat. How was he supposed to stare at Kurt who sounded like he wanted him to listen to badly as he finally started to open up.  What did he get for his trouble? Another slap to the face as Kurt told him he expected him to move on. Confusion twisted his eyebrows together and the back of his head slumped to clunk against the wood. How was he supposed to keep fighting if everything he felt–months of heartache and fear then relief and hope that was so brief it left him unable to think of anything else except ‘what did I do’–was reduced to ‘I thought you’d move on, Blaine.’ laced together with hope that he would?

‘You weren’t supposed to wait..’

He tried to talk twice.  Twice he ended up speechless except garbled noises and nothing that made sense.  Breaths.  Stuttered attempts.  That’s it.  “What–,” he forced his lips apart to get the question out.  “Move on?  How was I supposed to move on when I thought someone was hurting you, Kurt?”  He palmed the back of his left hand into his right pleading with every bone in his body and barely there voice he could muster up for Kurt to understand where he was coming from and to –Please.  Please come here.  Please.  I need you so much I can’t stand it and you’re just standing there staring at me.–  Or that you were–worse than that.”  So what if he was crying when he told himself two seconds ago he wouldn’t?  None of this made sense and he couldn’t hold it together anymore.  “How can you stand so far away from me and tell me you expected me to move on?  Did you forget me?  Or who I am?  Or who we are–were–what are we now?”  Why did he ask that?  He wasn’t sure he could take the answer.  “I love you, Kurt.  I love you so much,” he swallowed thick and wiped across his mouth with a shaking hand.  “Please tell me you didn’t forget that, too?”