regrets.

                    Sebastian could barely believe when Blaine had started to text him again a month ago. He was decidedly less excited once he realized the reason was simply and purely that, Blaine was lonely. Kurt was gone, to do whatever he was doing, and he’d left Blaine behind, and for the first time since their relationship started, Blaine didn’t have someone to spend every second of every day with, talking with, or planning to be with. Sebastian realized it fairly quickly after the first mentions of how Kurt was absent started. He, himself, hadn’t texted Blaine since the proposal incident. He couldn’t bring himself to admit how utterly it had actually devastated him. He had no idea how much hope he’d still been gathering until then. After that, he went radio silent, and Blaine didn’t make any efforts to contact him, either. And for the months that followed, Sebastian had been SURE that his story with Blaine, whatever it was, was over. That was why the strike was somewhat dulled down when he’d realized Blaine reaching out had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with his new fiancé. For a week, he’d even considered breaking everything off at once, but at the end of the day, it hadn’t changed anything. Blaine needed him, and even if it was only because he missed someone else, Sebastian was going to be there for him. After everything he’d done, Blaine deserved his friendship, stripped of interest.

He wasn’t sure when the whole Elliot thing had started. Sometimes Blaine would talk about him, and Sebastian would wonder, but he couldn’t conceive that Blaine would actually sleep with someone else after everything he’d said and done back when Sebastian had been pursuing him. The confession was a shock. And quite honestly Sebastian had no idea what to say. What could he say? And he doubted Hummel would want him saying ANYTHING regarding their relationship. When Blaine had asked, he’d seen no choice but to tell him it was his choice. He couldn’t tell him not to tell Kurt. And at the same time, he’d be SICK if he had to actually give him advice to save his engagement. It was one thing to be there for him, to talk and maybe meet in person, like they hadn’t despite the texting, distract him, support HIS decision. Those were things he COULD do, but what he couldn’t do was be a meddler in their mess of a relationship, as he saw it. Not to say he KNEW he wouldn’t be able to stay neutral. He didn’t know exactly what Blaine would do, and he wouldn’t until he texted him, which was why he hadn’t even been expecting any sort of news until the next day, AFTER Blaine had slept his trip off and decided to send him a message. To say he was surprised when someone knocked on his father’s door at that late hour was an understatement, but actually opening the door to a brokenBlaine on his porch was astonishing. He’d been wide eyed and at complete loss of what to do, but bring Blaine inside and take him to the living room. As they sat, he waited for him to say something and that was when reached for his shoulder and next thing he knew, he had an armful of Blaine on his chest. He wrapped his arms around him, his body always having such an automatic response to offering Blaine affection, something he wasn’t used to at all, and brought him in even closer. He could feel the tears starting to wet his skin under Blaine’s face and squeezed him tighter, eyes widening again at the admittance. “Shhhh…. Blaine. It’s okay, killer. Just take a deep breath.” You didn’t do anything. He swallowed, pressing his cheek against Blaine’s curls. He suddenly realized he probably should go upstairs and kick his one night stand out.

“Sebastian.  I messed up so bad.  I need–I need that day back.  There are so many things I’d do different.  I want to do it all over again.  Everything I did that morning that lead up to that, I need to undo.  Please..?”  Why was he asking Sebastian that?  It’s not like Sebastian could do anything to give him what he was begging for.  It was an impossible request.  Maybe he wasn’t asking Sebastian at all.  Just incapable of keeping anything in.  Every word he wanted to say when he woke up to his things packed and the person he loved most unable to look at him–and rightfully so–were still on the tip of his tongue.  Six hours waiting in the airport because that was the closest flight time he could get didn’t erase them.  Not the flight home.  Or the drive that had him nearly rear ending someone because he wasn’t even in his skull much less focused on the road.  Nothing ever would until he could say them to Kurt. But they refused to go away until they were spoken.  At least once.

God knows he deserved to say it over and over again because he was the one that did it.  Even if he begged for the chance to take that day away on repeat– it wouldn’t make up for what he did.  Actions speak louder than words.  And he’d made an action that set into motion a domino effect that broke everything on it’s way down.  He held onto Sebastian like the other was his last lifeline. Regret that hadn’t left him immediately after he did the most awful thing he’s ever done that he could never take back only welled up again inside his stomach.  It felt like his insides were twisted into knots, his throat caved in and he couldn’t breathe regardless of being told to. Everything he was feeling came pouring out from a body that was–simply put–too exhausted to hold it in anymore.  His slight weight shifted against Sebastian’s side. Even though he was still wearing the coat and scarf he had on since New York–he was thinner than he’d been since they last saw each other face to face.  A few sobs later–he tried to start gluing himself back together. He wasn’t after pity. Or even understanding.  Just–Sebastian to be there and to not be alone. “I’m sorry..,” his face crumpled up and he went back frustratedly rubbing at his face keeping balled up around Sebastian’s frame.  “I’m sure this is the last thing you need.”