sebastian. @inthequiver

           When Sebastian got the text, he somehow already knew. Blaine wouldn’t be texting him to meet up and talk if the news were good. If he had anything to say close to what Sebastian had longed for for almost two years now, he’d be asking him out. Not to the coffee place to have a conversation. Sebastian wasn’t mad. Not really. Hoping Blaine would actually leave Kurt for him had been a stretch by any means. He’d been awfully surprised just by the simple fact Blaine had called him at all, the first time. And then when they’d first kissed… Even his private fears that Blaine would be thrown off once their clothes were shed had been unfounded, and suddenly when he woke up next to a head full of curls, Sebastian felt like all the air had been knocked out of him, and he just didn’t care. I’m lucky. He was lucky it had happened at all. After everything, he hadn’t even hoped Blaine would go back to SPEAKING to him, much less… 

A couple months were all they’d had before Blaine’s conscience got too much for him to handle sanely. Sebastian had been understanding, of course. He always was, with Blaine. He knew his place on Blaine’s life from the start. Blaine had always been clear on that. But then- Blaine had said he would try and TALK to Kurt. That things weren’t working out with them either way, and Sebastian felt like he didn’t have lungs anymore. His blood pumping so loud in his ears all nigh long afterwards that he spent it awake staring at the ceiling and breathing in big gasps, his gaze staring into the dark with some sense of wonder. He’d tried to ground himself again afterwards, remember this was Blaine and Kurt they were talking about, and that Blaine had never been his to claim, in the first place, no matter how it’d felt when they’d first met. It was out of his endless affection for the boy in front of him that the gentle response came. The kiss on the cheek as a warm goodbye, all he could do not to mouth Blaine’s lips and kiss him so hard he could start breathing again, swallowing the air from Blaine’s chest. But he hadn’t. He wouldn’t. He was a step from the door, when the hand closed around the bend of his elbow. He blinked, surprised. The words had gone unnoticed to him, in his turmoil, and he panted lightly as he looked at Blaine in confusion. Sebastian sighed, averting his eyes so he wouldn’t show at that soft beg. He licked over his dry lips, still tingling to claim Blaine’s, and breathed out tiredly. “Blaine… I-” He glanced back at him, lips pressed in a line. “Sure. What do you need, killer?” His defeated tone weighting on his tongue. Truth was that no matter how many times Blaine yanked at his leash, Sebastian would go to him again and again, because just as he had nonchalantly professed when they’d first met, whatever scraps Blaine was willing to give him, he’d always be eager to have. He couldn’t help himself.

      I’m breaking him.  I’m breaking him and this is all my fault.  I shouldn’t have let things go the way they did.  I shouldn’t have done this..  But, God, there wasn’t a moment inside of those months he shared with Sebastian that he didn’t need.  Or want.  Want?  No, want wasn’t close enough of a word to use.  Crave, ache for, cling to, cherish.  Those fit better.  Sebastian was his weakness as much as he wouldn’t agree because Blaine knew that doing what he did–choosing who he chose–gave Sebastian absolutely no proof of that claim.  There wasn’t anything he could do to prove it to Sebastian either.  Other than stand there inside the cafe not caring about the world around them.  Or if anyone was watching.  And utterly beg with everything inside of him for Sebastian to not walk out the door and leave.  A voice inside of Blaine’s head had thoroughly convinced him that it might be the last time he ever saw Sebastian again after this. The lump in his throat said he didn’t have the willpower to let that happen.  It’d be better for Sebastian, and maybe himself, if he could.  Sebastian deserved so much better than him and the pain he was putting him through.  Push come to shove, however?  He wouldn’t be able to let him go without making sure this wouldn’t be their end.  As much of a weakness Sebastian was?  He was also so so much of a reason to have strength too.  Even when he felt like he had none?  Sebastian was there to show him he did.  Yet, here they were. Broken.  Because he just couldn’t…let someone else go.  It was maddening to himself.  To keep going in this endless circle back to that same someone else.  God only knew how much worse it was for the man standing here so willing to deflate and give in because Blaine was asking him to.

“I know what that kiss was.  I know what’s going to happen.  Don’t?”  A goodbye.  That’swhat that was because he could feel it radiating from Sebastian.  Two people can’t share what they share and not know what was happening inside the other.  If he was right about that?  Then Sebastian could certainly feel how desperate he felt.  How panicked that they were done done. “Please don’t hate me,” the words were blurted out before Blaine could twist them into something less selfish, “I’m so scared I just ruined us.  I know it’s greedy and horrible and makes me a terrible person but I can’t just not see you again ever.”  His grip on Sebastian’s elbow flexed, tightened and held on.  Tears filled his eyes for the third time today and the muscles in his neck could be seen forcing him to remember how to swallow.  “I don’t regret what we..,” words fell into silence as his voice finally echoed back to him and he heard what he was saying and realized where this was heading.  “Can we go somewhere?  Not here.  Please?”  What the hell did he just ask that for? Because he’d do anything for five more minutes if those five more minutes were the only ones he was going to get by his own doing.