sebastian.

                                                  blaine stepping back had sebastian’s heart actively throbbing in his chest. so painfully like it only had in those few moments he’d been truly scared. humiliation brewing in his stomach at the thought of what he might have done. had he hurt blaine even more?! he SWORE he’d never lay a hand on him again and yet… his breath didn’t pick up, it stilled, almost impossibly quiet as he felt cold. blaine looked scared and ashamed and sebastian didn’t know what to do with it. 

when he finally said it, sebastian’s had SPUN, hard. was that it? he’d kissed him? was it that HORRIBLE to have blaine looking as green as he did? as though the very memory of it made him stomach-sick? and still sebastian couldn’t help but ASK. not with the way the ghost of a memory kept dancing over his sugar sticky lips. not with the way blaine wavered as though… sebastian took a step forward, pupils wide as he waited, eating away at the green in his eyes, with an expectation so painful sebastian wasn’t sure he was still breathing at all. he frowned at the confusing semi answer. didn’t take WHAT? didn’t take it like that? his eyes couldn’t help but trail down to the movement of blaine’s throat and a different kind of warmth settled in his stomach before he forced them back up. 

and then… eyelids shot wide. and suddenly it was so quiet, he wondered if he became deaf. bline kept speaking but sebastian couldn’t hear it. yes. yes. YES. 

he had kissed blaine anderson and blaine had actually kissed him back. he restarted breathing with a knocking gasp like a punch in the stomach, but there was no pain in his face, only…. bewilderment. blaine had kissed him back. blaine had kissed him back. sebastian had no idea why he looked so embarrassed and to be quite frank, he wasn’t sure he CARED. his ears were still buzzing but he could hear again. the way blaine’s palm rubbed his own neck making his knees weak again. 

i let it happen. sebastian moved. 

he cared nothing for the strained tone behind blaine’s words. he cared nothing for the hidden meaning of guilt and something else entirely stupid along those lines. he cared nothing for the apology in the dark eyes, the way his mouth tasted like coffee and too much sugar, and his head still felt like sandpaper under his skin. none of it got close to mattering as he fisted his hands on blaine’s shirt, an almost tortured, completely open for once, look of every single moment of longing, pain, and disappointment he’d spent thinking about this. and then he was jerking the other into a tight, desperate, open mouthed kiss. the earth shifted beneath him and sebastian knew he’d never feel fully grounded to it again.

      Blaine watched as Sebastian’s eyes shot open wide with a growing knot in his belly he was sure was ten loops thick.  The last thing he ever wanted was for Sebastian to think he took advantage of him when Sebastian trusted him to keep him safe.  He rambled on, trying to explain himself, but Sebastian’s face was frozen and Blaine felt like he was shrinking by each second under the weight of green eyes that were unblinking, unwavering set inside a face that was the very definition of SHOCK.  His palm never left his neck as he tried to figure out what was about to happen..  Would he be kicked out?  Did he read this wrong and it might be a good thing?

It had to be a good thing.  Blaine wasn’t oblivious to the fact that Sebastian wanted him. Wanted to do what he did in the cab, KISS HIM, for a very long time now.  Or so he thought that want was still there.  Or Sebastian wouldn’t have done it.  Unless it was the alcohol talking and Blaine was too weak to not listen.  Tired of looking past the need in Sebastian’s eyes over and over because he had to convince himself that this (whatever this was) shouldn’t happen.

Losing Sebastian wasn’t an option and Blaine wasn’t sure he could risk everything..  Even if he wanted to. So bad. Time and time again.  Back into oblivion those notions always went.  Back into staring into space, back into forced obliviousness once the real thing wore off.  Back to being safe.  That’s the dance Blaine shared with Sebastian in his head.  A one sided waltz of caution.  More times than he cared to count.  Too many.

Sebastian moved.  Blaine cringed inwardly but on the outside, his lips parted into a tiny, wary smile and he felt his toes curl against tile trying to steady himself.  

His shirt went tight around his back when Sebastian’s fist balled it up.  This was it.  No matter what happened from this moment on, they’d never be the same.  Inside Sebastian’s eyes was so much ache that Blaine felt his throat close around the words ‘I’m sorry’ that never came out. Seeing that look would be enough to bring anyone to their knees.  But the jerk forward made him stumble a step closer, hazel eyes rounded owlishly–hands reached out to rest against Sebastian’s chest where he felt a racing pulse that matched his.  His breathing stopped.  Their mouths connected.  He felt Sebastian pour out utter desperation into him and Blaine swallowed it down with a quiet groan.  Only to feel himself and all his willpower shatter to nothing.  So much for his careful distance.  It was gone as Blaine caved, inched upwards for more and gave every shred of want and need right back, too gone to hold it in anymore.