barry.

When they first met, Barry wasn’t sure where this would go. Would it lead to something more than just friendship? Would they remain as just friends? The speedster wasn’t sure, but he had taken the leap. And here they were, Barry was more than happy, it was amazing, and it seemed like a dream sometimes. A dream among the nightmares he would sometimes experience, ones he’s yet to completely tell Blaine about. That’s where his guilt laid, the other didn’t know he was the Flash, didn’t know the dangers that came with being with Barry. At first he believed it was merely paranoia, nothing more, and nothings less. He was wrong. Blaine was in danger, and Barry would do anything in his power to protect him. Even from himself. It’s the last thing he wanted. To be separated from the man he loved.

Hearing his voice, it was both soothing, and painful. If he carried this out, this might be the last time he would hear. Barry will no longer wake up to the sound of his voice. The sounds of his laughter, his ridiculous enthusiasm when it came to disco music, or when he sang. He would never get the chance to fall down on one knee, and ask that question he wanted to for the past few months. It made his heart ache in such a painful manner, this was the… right choice. Regardless of how devastated Blaine might be, he deserved so much more than the CSI could give. He’d just bring him down, this amazing sunshine, and he can’t let that happen. It was hard to look up at him, eyes lingering on his clasped hands, fidgeting with his fingers.”Blaine,” I’m sorry, “I’m… moving back, to my old place.” There he said it out loud.Saying the words didn’t make it any easier, and the regret he felt inside just seemed to intensified. 

He was about to break his heart, and he didn’t warrant such a thing. Blaine… was such a selfless person, kind, and sweet. Barry didn’t deserve him. “I…Blaine, I love you, but I have to do this,” the urge to tell him the truth, to be honest, it was so overwhelming. Just tell him, tell him all he needed to know. The reason for the nightmares, the reason why sometimes it seemed like he was just drowning in guilt. Be open for once. Green eyes met those indescribable hazel ones again, this was much harder than he originally believed. Could he truly go through with it? “I’m not good for you,  Blaine, I’ll bring you down, and you don’t deserve that. You’re a brilliant star, you deserve better.”

”Blaine. I’m… moving back, to my old place.”

He didn’t just hear what he thought he heard..   Did he?  Denial was the first sensical thing that could follow hearing something so sudden.  So out of the blue that nothing in his world could have lead him to even think that he’d ever hear Barry say anything like that to him.  There’s a trust between them.  One that ran deep and strong and unbreakable.  Because that’s what you put into someone when you hand them your heart.  Your devotion.  Your world.  You let them become your world because the one that was once yours without them was always missing something.  That something was them.  All along it was them.  

So..  You give everything you are to that person (your hopes, your dreams, your plans for the future..cause they’re a part of you and all of that) and they give everything back.  Once you hold everything they are in the palm of your hand?  You don’t just drop them.  They don’t drop you either.  They can’t.  You don’t wake up one day and stop caring about them.  You don’t kiss them goodbye on their way to work like all the other mornings you’ve shared over the years then welcome them home just to say goodbye and snuff that love out like a burnt up match.

You don’t DO that.

That’s why..  The words hit him with the sheer force of an impact so brutally hard that felt like he’d thrown himself in front of a freight train and tried to stop it dead on the tracks.  They stole his breath, caved in his throat and he was pretty sure injected themselves into his veins and flooded them with a numb ache. A sensation he never thought existed because of the sheer ridiculousness of until he heard what he never thought he’d ear.  How can numb possibly hurt? Well..  It can..and Blaine felt it from head to toe.

“Please don’t keep talking..  Please, stop..”  His voice was weak enough that Barry could talk over it easily.  Did he even give his tongue room enough to actually speak that?  Or did he just think it?  He must’ve just thought it.  Cause Barry was telling him that he loved him and this was for his own good.  Blaine had no idea what good was.  Not like this.  Not as of ten seconds ago. Cause his good was gone and he was still racing to catch his breath and try to wrap his head around what was happening.  There were tears in his eyes.  He felt them.  Tears and more tears and he couldn’t hold them in because he couldn’t make anything work.  Fingertips pressed into the hollows of his eyes, blocking Barry and the world and what was happening from view as he tried to wipe them away and hide.  “Don’t do this to us.”  He had to beg between the sides of his hands while there was a fraction of an us to beg for.  “I’ll do whatever it takes to make you realize that you are good for me.  You always have been.  I’m sorry I didn’t do enough to show you before.”  His fingers spread open and round, watery eyes stared down at him.  “I love you and I need you to love me back..and stay.  Please?”