i’m sorry.

                   

Sebastian didn’t want to be a thief here. He didn’t want to storm in uninvited and drop a bomb on Blaine. Barge in and say something that would affect them both for life even if neither one of them would admit it after this conversation. He knew how caring and compassionate Blaine was. He knew how hard this confession would hit him. The last thing he wished was for Blaine to feel bad for him. What would that make him? What was it making him now that he’d said the word love? That was the last of his intentions. All he had ever wanted to be was supportive of Blaine. Having Blaine carry memories of this every time he thinks about his wedding day would be so incredibly greedy. But damage had been done already. Today was Blaine and Kurt’s day. It was THEM who had always stuck by each others side. Them who stayed strong as a couple even when Sebastian came in between it back in the day, young and dumb trying to weasel his way in places he shouldn’t be. He may have been in the wrong before but sitting here with the love of his life right before he gets married to another man wasn’t what he wanted to be doing. But if he didn’t do this… what would he be? If he didn’t tell Blaine the truth, how would he be able to try and get over him? This HAD to happen eventually or Blaine’s face would forever be a reminder of his secret. Though now, as pain is aching deep into his mind, he feels Blaine’s face might instead be one he wouldn’t be seeing much more. Why would he ever want to see Sebastian again after this? Knowing that he’s just someone who is in love with him? This wasn’t fun and games anymore. Now? It was just rose thorns pricking fingers and blood being drawn. Fuck, he thought.

                    When Blaine stood up, chills ran up and down his back and arms. No. Fuck, he was coming closer. Sebastian was deep down begging for the closeness with all his might but he couldn’t accept it. No, no, no. Feeling his touch any more would only hurt the both of them. What if they were no longer going to be magnets for each other but a car crash instead? The way Blaine’s touch traveled so softly across Sebastian’s hairline and temple caused his tears to increase. He couldn’t HANDLE the touch, he couldn’t take it. It’s like his soul was nothing but butterfly wings. Trying to touch it would only be a mistake. Watery greens refused to look back at the golden ones right in front of him. A hand reached up to cover his face, he couldn’t show weakness. Not even after all these years. Not even after he had learned to show his feelings in front of Blaine. Right now was a reversal. He felt himself closing off again. The worst part about all of this was that it was not only hurting him – it was also hurting Blaine. That? That had always been his biggest FEAR. Never his intentions. Why was he letting himself be so greedy by confessing? Fuck this. ❝I never expect you to hurt him. Never. That…that’s not why I came here. Not to ruin anything.❞ he replies softly as his hand continues to hide his face. Sebastian buries his face down into his palm as he lowers his head down and tries to stop crying ❝Please NEVER tell me you’re sorry, Blaine. Never apologize for this. You and Kurt deserve to be so happy..❞ Words muffle against his hiding place and he just wants to take back confessing what he did. When Blaine corrected do to DID? That was what stung the worst. ❝You didn’t hurt me —— I hurt myself from letting myself be an idiot.❞

Just like that, he was blocked out of Sebastian’s view by Sebastian himself. Unable to look at him, his best friend hid away and sobbed into his hands while his fingers were still right there next to Sebastian’s left eye..well..now his pointer finger.  He felt sick.  An increasing twist of his stomach that sank into nausea.  What was he thinking about inviting Sebastian here?  What stupid impulse was it to approach him to beg for his help with the engagement?  Let alone ask him to be there for the day the wedding happened?  Blaine knew he was oblivious about many things.  Some he pretended to be so clueless that, occasionally, he even believed what he was hiding from under the mask of unaware he often wore when he couldn’t face what was standing right in front of him.  When the COURAGE that he preached to anyone struggling was so far out of reach that he couldn’t see a speck of it.  Let alone not be an absolute hypocrite and not practice his own gospel.  He knew Sebastian loved him.  He knew he loved Sebastian.  The parts of them that connected ran deep.  Through skin and bone and blood and breath into a place where only Sebastian and he could ever tread together because they were the only ones who trusted each other enough to open the doors to the basements where they hid their darkest thoughts.  And invite the other one in. 

“Please look at me, please, please don’t hide..,” he plead through the cracks in his voice in a pitch that was broken and lost.  “I’m so sorry and I’m allowed to be.  I’m so sorry I hurt you.  I’m so sorry I love him and the one thing I should be the most sorry about is the fact that I love you so much, Sebastian.  I always did.  I always will…”  Tears that he managed to hold back because he didn’t feel like he deserved them started to fall.  He knew once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop.  And here was the breaking point.  Crumbled and gone and turning back wasn’t possible.  “But I’m not sorry about caring for you.  I’m not sorry that I let you see me the way you saw me.  I’m not sorry that I have someone who guides me through the hallways in my head that I’m terrified to go down..and I’m not sorry that I need you even after today.”  Blaine’s grip grew firm.  All five fingers wrapped around Sebastian’s hand and he pulled it down using all of his strength to do it if he had to.  Tears streaking his face, he lifted up without a hesitation and..  Lips pressed to Sebastian’s cheek and as his entire frame shook with a gasp, he kissed a path up the lines of the taller man’s tears until he was on his toes and his mouth ghosted the corner of Sebastian’s eye dotting his temple with the words that he couldn’t stop spewing in a blabbering whisper.  “I never wanted to hurt you and I knew I was going to.  I knew this was going to hurt so much..and you can hate me.  You should hate me.  I don’t deserve you.  Remember?  I told you that and you didn’t believe me.  You thought I was being humble but I was only being honest.  I don’t deserve you but I desperately need you and what does that say about me?  Please don’t go..  Because I’m terrified I’ll never see you again..”