sam.

        It was funny how friendly smiles didn’t feel so friendly. Not like Sam hadn’t tried, mind you, but his wick was burning down and getting dangerously close to the point of no return. After all this time though, that really shouldn’t have come as such a surprise. After all, there was no happy ending for three, but for the other two; they at least had it set. He guessed. Why did he need to answer Blaine’s stupid question, wasn’t it obvious? Why else would he stand there twiddling his thumbs? It’s not like they ever had that much time anymore outside of school either. The more serious Kurt and Blaine got, the more they hung out; that was how relationships worked, especially in high school. So what good there had been was slowly drifting away within the winds of change. 

       Maybe that’d be his song for Mr. Schue’s assignment, not that it was really on his mind, but the hour had given him time to think. And that time sucked. More so because he was able to fill in the blanks and the lover’s fond farewell only furthered the bitter taste on his tongue. It should have been them. And then when he spoke it was just… Was Blaine even listening? Yeah, of course he was, he was right there but would he even bother to look at him? 

       Not until it was too late. “Are you though?!” Sam snapped, though it certainly wasn’t as harsh as it could have been, but it didn’t stop his arms from flailing out in an animated fashion, successfully ripping away Blaine’s grasp at his wrist. He stopped where he stood, half past Blaine and now awkwardly turned towards him. “Yeah, maybe you don’t, but I kinda do.” Whatever Blaine felt towards him, if anything anymore could easily be siphoned into Kurt for some weird sort of outlet, whereas Sam… It was just Blaine. 

       “It’s really messed up. The worst part is Kurt would have probably been over it by now and onto the new jock who’s actually full gay, full homo out in the open.” Blonde Jocks, kind of Kurt’s thing. He could speak from experience. “And then who knows where that would have actually put us.” Wherever or whatever it was would hurt a lot less than this. “What am I supposed to wait for? Or like, how long am I supposed to wait?” He’d been patient. He’d been quiet. “It’s like torture, I’m the stupid cliche that’s got the guy pining after his best friend, and you know what? I’ve seen this freaking movie. I know how it ends up, Blaine.” Sam’s frustration was building to the point where he was rambling, not really paying attention to how he sounded because the words flew quicker from his tongue than his brain processed them. “In like, three years when you and Kurt finally get married, I’m the one standing behind you, watching it all go down and it’s me that’s starting from square one. Yeah we didn’t think this through, but like, how long is this gonna go on for?” It wasn’t a him or me situation, but… His involvement had to stop at some point. “And then, is it just gonna be ‘just a bit longer’?”

       And in general, did he really have a choice in the matter? He’d agreed to do it, and admitted it would be better for Kurt… But in hindsight, that was the kind of choice you should sleep on before doing something stupid.

       “Like, do you just feel nothing for me anymore? ‘Cause if that’s the case, just tell me, because I’m sick of standin’ around, watching everyone get their happy endings,” As if high school love typically translated post graduation, but in Sam’s mind it was a simpler summary. “This is why you don’t freaking lie, because it turns into this huge goddamn mess and now what?”  He should have known after last year and the Bieste Chronicles. 

Blaine didn’t know what to say.  This all felt so above his head and he was doing his best to try and reach for anything he could grab onto to tie this all together and hand over to Sam in a neatly bound package with all the answers inside.  But he couldn’t.  No matter how high he jumped, or far he reached.  He couldn’t find the answers.  When that’s what he always did before.  People expected it of him.  He expected it of himself.  Not being able to find the conclusions that helped someone and their situation (which this one happened to be because of him, so it only made it worse) made his insides tense up and his brain feel like it was on the verge of screaming.  It made him doubt how good of a friend he was if he couldn’t do the thing friends should do the most for someone and that’s help them.

His breath rattled as he swallowed around it trying to get as much oxygen into briefly frozen lungs as he could.  Confused, almost fearful (at what though..?) eyes darted across Sam’s face like he might find his reply written in Sam’s eyes or forehead or anywhere that he was looking.  Which was everywhere.  His own words from last year to Kurt came back to haunt him.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  “I didn’t want you to walk away yet.  That’s all.”  Blaine’s grip held fast as he glanced down at his hand wrapped around Sam’s wrist.  “I don’t want to lose you forever.”

Ouch.  His teeth clenched together and he looked visibly stung at the idea he’d be just a passing phase for Kurt should some blond, out in the open jock come along.  They meant more to each other than a phase.  But he tried to take that punch the best he could.  Sam deserved at least one good verbal throw at him.  That one was a doozy.  His face crumpled, brows lifted up and pushed together as a wave of doubt crashed in after he told himself that.  Well.  Maybe Sam was right.  Maybe Kurt would have left him for someone he liked more.  It would have torn him up but it’s not anything he hasn’t thought of a few times himself with the quietness that sometimes fell between his boyfriend and himself.

Maybe it would have left him free and open for Sam to come back from being gone and they could pretend Blaine, somehow, knew that it was going to happen one day and that he’d waited because of it.  But that was neither here nor there because things didn’t go that way.  And left without any more advice or words of wisdom or means of making Sam feel better?  With all his defenses of helping stripped away?  

Blaine caved.

Shifting, as it was his nature to, into a default mode of slouched shoulders and hoping that if he said what he thought Sam wanted to hear?  That things might be okay eventually.  That he’d finally punch the right button to stop them from falling apart and they’d get back on the mend sooner or later.  If he could figure that out?  Then, he could make this stop.  Sam would forgive him for whatever he was doing and this whole mess would quit getting worse.  “Of course I feel something for you.  How couldn’t I?”  He blinked and shook his head, cracking further.  “Don’t wait for me, Sam.  Don’t.”   His touch slipped away and Blaine stepped back putting distance between him and someone he never thought he’d have to step away from.  “Find someone who deserves you.  Find someone who gives you what you deserve back.  Get your happy ending.”

“I’ll tell Kurt the truth and..,” and Kurt would forgive him for lying eventually.  They only did it because he knew how out of control Kurt felt about his life with graduation looming ahead, NYADA, building his application, his father, everything.  One more thing on his plate wasn’t what he needed.  Looking back?  It was stupid.  Why would he have even cared?  “I’ll tell him and I’ll go home.  Just.  STOP.  Please?  I don’t want to lose you..not all the way.  Again.  So, can we please just stop before we can’t take something back?”