Kurt quickly finished changing into a loose T-shirt when he noticed more movement. Unlike Blaine – he seems to say that a lot, now that he thinks about it – he isn’t so comfortable changing in front of his roommate. Not that Kurt cared all that much if someone saw him shirtless, he was just fine in the locker room or while working out, but in a confined space with a boy who was ok changing in front of him and giving him massages(apparently)? Not so much. He’d rather not know if Blaine found him attractive or not either. At least the stumbling around was lightening the mood. “Don’t worry.” Kurt chuckled. “I just need to stretch more anyway.” He was usually pretty flexible, clearly he needed to find some time to work on that again and get foam roller or something to help work on tight muscles. A ‘next time’ would probably end just as badly, though Kurt expected he would be making a fool of himself like he nearly did tonight. “Get some sleep, Blaine.” He added as he sat on his own bed gingerly. Kurt was a little too wound up to go to sleep just yet, honestly. For now he’d laid on top of the covers and glanced over at Blaine.
Oblivious to Kurt’s rushing to get dressed–he was too sleep dazed to notice this time–Blaine pulled back the covers and plopped down onto the bed in a flounce of limbs that stretched out hurriedly seeking the cold spots on the bed that made him shiver the best. He couldn’t be the only one on the planet that loved that sensation, could he? Just nuzzling into warm blankets and putting yourself through some weird torture of shuddering chills up your spine when your ankle or calf landed on sub-zero cotton? It felt good. Perfect, actually. One of the best feelings ever. After wriggling so far down into the comforter and sheets until there was nothing but a head of hair that was now much looser mess than his normally lightly tamed curls, a happily twinkling gaze veiled by long lashes and half a nose peeking out at Kurt–his smile could only be noticed by the pinching together of the edges of his eyes. Even if he was tired, the shock of cool to his skin was enough to momentarily wake him up. “Are you going to get some sleep, too,” he asked as his gaze narrowed thoughtfully. “You’re not going to be up all night alone if I pass out–are you? It’s late and you need to sleep just as much as I do.”
What was really occurring to him though was just how powerful Blaine’s feelings were. He was a perfect target, actually. But that was just the hunter in Kurt talking.
Blaine thought it was his fault? How on Earth could he have chased Kurt away into being a demon? Kurt imagined he would say the same thing if the tables were turned. So he remained exactly where he was and hoped his voice was as steady as he wanted it. “It’s not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to stop me, Blaine. And I was never going to be gone forever I-” he’s sure there’s not a better way to word things. “It was a temporary leave so it could happen and I could adjust but if I told anyone where I was they might try to stop me or come looking and that could not happen.” He sighed, raking a hand through his hair again.
Would it be wrong to try and comfort him? Kurt couldn’t say he regretted it, because in all honesty he didn’t. It was strange from the start and only got more so as time went on. Blaine was never a part of the equation. He felt bad and he probably wouldn’t say it, but it was just a fact. Every night that he left the house with Oliver it was like leaving his entire life. It was such a thrilling freedom. Even if he did think of telling Blaine time and time again. He didn’t understand it back then any more than he did now, which is to say, not at all.
There was nothing he could have done to stop him. Ask him thirty seconds ago if his heart could break anymore than it already was? He’d have told you no. He was wrong.
“Of course I would have tried to stop you,” his voice was broken. An unsteady whisper that was borderlining on utter silence or bursting out into a scream. Blaine rubbed at his face trying to calm himself down. He couldn’t count on Kurt to help. He had to do this on his own. Much like everything he’s done the past six months through spots of him letting people “help” because he couldn’t hurt them by turning them away. His breath picking up faster said none of his efforts worked. Never would he think that being near Kurt would make him feel alone. It did and it hurt so bad he felt like he was suffocating. “That’s what you do for people you love, Kurt. You try to stop them from walking out of your life and into something that–oh wait,” a huff rattled out. With tears in his eyes–Blaine laughed. If you could call the quiet tumble of sound shaking his shoulders a laugh. More a frustrated, torn apart, utterly baffled noise that had his eyes rolling to keep himself from crying–he wasn’t going to start. If he started? He might not stop.
“I forgot. You can’t keep someone from making a mistake when it’s not a mistake to them. You wanted to leave everyone–even me–and it didn’t matter what shape you left us in. As long as you got what you wanted. I WAITED for you, Kurt. I waited!” He wasn’t yelling–not yet–but he was oh so close. “I had nightmares for months that you were somewhere begging me to help. No one would listen. I thought you were hurting. I couldn’t let myself believe it was worse.” Even with Kurt standing there alive–the idea made him blanch. Living proof those memories and feelings weren’t quite put to rest yet. “But if it was? I needed to bring you home. Regardless–I had to find you! I lied to my parents or waited until they were gone and went to look for you when Burt stopped! I got caught more than once! I didn’t–” He stopped himself, lowered his voice, straightened his back against the wall and grabbed onto the door handle but didn’t open it. “You promised me you’d never leave. You promised. I believed you so much that nothing our friends or family said mattered because the only thing that did? Was our forever and that meant more to me than what anyone else said. For my own good or not.”
he feels faint, knees weak, head heavy. because he can’t control his breathing, and with each passerby walking behind or in front of him, he begins to feel surrounded. like the walls are closing and there’s no direct exit. so he’s trapped, not only in his mind, but physically too. in order to protect himself, he closes his eyes. tries to block out the world in order to focus on him — to focus on blaine and his voice. tries to assure himself that blaine’s nearby and that he’s SAFE, even though drifting in the fog of his mind, he’s certain he’s not. despite no one touching him. despite no one acknowledging he’s there, he still feels crowded. he feels claustrophobic.
❛ i’m …❜ his voice sounds light, as if breathless. ❛ i’m on a street corner. near angry dave’s convenience store. i can’t — i’m just a block away from my apartment. ❜
“I’m coming. I’m almost there. Breathe for me, Kurt. Remember? Tell me five things you can see right now. I want to know every detail, okay? Open your eyes if they’re closed and tell me what you see.”
Oh God–this was killing him. Blaine’s heart rushed the blood through his body in deafening thuds with each step he took. After having a destination to go to, Blaine bounded off in a full out run weaving through shoulders and backs or anything else that got in his way. Including a car that barely missed him as he bolted across Kurt’s street with a slew of curses being thrown at his back from a pissed off driver. Blaine could barely breathe by the time he saw Kurt and bolted to his side careful not to touch him. “Kurt? Kurt, honey,” his lungs fought for air between his soft, breathless words. “It’s me. Blaine. I’m here.” His eyes burned and his heart broke seeing Kurt like this and not being able to fix it all. Right now. “You’re safe. I promise.”
Kurt felt like the lesser of two idiots when Blaine’s breath hit the back of his neck. His own caught in his throat with a soft noise, his eyes fluttering briefly, but at least he wasn’t the one who thought it was a good idea when there was already blush on his ears.
And then Blaine’s hands moved and Kurt froze. The confliction was gone and he was just stuck. “Blaine..?” He asked quietly. And then he noted how limb Blaine was against him and everything felt ridiculous. This was just embarrassing. Kurt sighed and started to slither himself out of his friend’s hold.
He finally got contact – physical contact that made him blush, and was actually helpful given how knotted up he is and was – and it ended with his crush falling asleep on his back. Kurt made sure Blaine leaned back instead of falling on his face without Kurt propping him up anymore, and with that he decided to start getting ready for bed himself.
Blaine’s head did one too many backwards bobs and the last that had the back of it bouncing off the bed startled him awake. The sudden movement caused a deep breath to be muffled against the back of his hand as he palmed his mouth to make sure he wasn’t drooling for crying out loud. No sign of drool in sight. Good! Otherwise he’d be even more embarrassed than he was for falling asleep while giving Kurt a backrub. Wasn’t that supposed to go the other way? He quickly searched the room until his sleepy gaze found Kurt. “Hey,” the groggy voice rose up from his spot the floor as he watched the other boy get himself ready for bed. “Sorry. I can’t believe I did that. How embarrassing,” he groaned and waited until he could feel his legs before he pushed himself up onto his knees.
Fists balled up to rub at his eyes and he let the momentum bring him stumbling to his feet. His yawn was covered up by dropping his head forward. “I promise next time I won’t fall asleep against your back.” The room was blocked from view as he pulled the Dalton hoodie he wore off and tossed it towards his desk chair. Not awake enough to properly judge, it missed and fell to the floor. “Next time let me fall over. If I hit the floor? I’ll wake up. Serves me right for copping out on a backrub before it’s finished,” he grinned lazily and staggered towards his bed. After falling asleep sitting up? Stretching out sounded so so good.
he’s stood just outside the corner store that’s a block away from his apartment, toothpaste in hand, cell phone in the other. his body is paralyzed beneath a lightpost, its flickering bulb reflecting the static that’s in his head. he can feel the tips of his fingers begin to tingle, his grip on the toothpaste tightening into a chokehold as he tries searching for fresh air amid the smoke and smog of the city. but the more he breathes, the more it feels like he’s losing circulation, his arms drawing closer to his chest. hands shaking. fingers locking. it’s not until his phone vibrates against his palm that he’s pulled back into reality, the familiar smile captured in a picture on his caller id instantly bringing a sense of calm somewhere inside his brain.
❛blaine …❜ he chokes out, mouth dry from hyperventilating. ❛ blaine, are you there?❜
Minutes felt like an eternity as Blaine RAN down the sidewalk shouldering through people when he couldn’t get a clear path. Muttered apologies for cutting them died out when he stopped caring and could only concentrate on finding Kurt. His heart was racing, adrenaline pumping through his body. Fingers clutched his phone in a white knuckled grip as he dialed him again. Hearing his voice on the other end, temporary relief washed cold across his limbs until he bounced off someone in his way. Stopping abruptly as they glared at him, Blaine raised a hand to pardon himself and quickly replied trying to sound calm when he was anything but.
“I’m here. Looking for you. Just tell me where you are and I’ll be there.” He hated this. Not being right beside him right now. Rocking from side to side Blaine rolled up onto his tip toes, hazel eyes welled with tears of worry and frustration picked apart each face not seeing the one he wanted to see.
He was mush. Putty in Blaine’s hands. It’s probably easier to relax knowing that it is Blaine who’s behind him. It was nice to be so comfortable around someone. Talking was kind of the last thing on his mind right now – he couldn’t see himself not rambling or mumbling and embarrassing himself somehow – mostly because he wasn’t sure what he should be doing in this particular situation. He tried to hold still and quiet and not think too much but there was confliction there. He wasn’t overthinking it exactly, but he was starting to notice every movement. He wasn’t huge on hugging and here he was being touched and god it was nice. He found himself holding his breath briefly, and as carefully as possibly let the air out in hopes it went unnoticed. Kurt’s not sure what he would do or say if he was called out on anything right now. Translating his feelings into words was difficult at times like this.. Although there weren’t times exactly like this, only some with similar difficulty levels. Good lord if his brain could just shut off the rest of the way…
It was just Blaine though. His friend. His best friend. His best friend who was joking and nudging him but also making his face a rather pink shade.
Only Kurt would be able to find such a mixture of nervous and relaxed, he’s sure. He chuckled softly all the same.
All he got was a quiet chuckle? Blaine went for a full on laugh from the nervously breathing boy –don’t think he didn’t notice, he did because it was his self-proclaimed job to pick up on little things like that from Kurt– in hopes that he would just relax for once and he got a barely there chuckle? Dusted with a hint of blushing all the way to his ears that Blaine could see from his vantage point behind him? No fair! He was glad that he couldn’t see his half-pouting frown before he let his forehead come to rest against the back of Kurt’s head. As observant as he was–or thought himself to be–Blaine failed to connect the dots between what that gesture might cause. The closeness, his breath against the fine hairs lining the back of Kurt’s neck. This was just him being him and wanting to make Kurt feel safe, secure and not have the muscles in his back give the bark of a dogwood tree a run for it’s money in the number of knots he could find if he tried hard enough.
After a few minutes, Blaine watched his right hand nudging at a particularly tough spot on the small of Kurt’s back but his eyelids were getting heavier. So was his head.
He went quiet after a yawn just letting things settle down holding Kurt close with the other arm loosely stretched over his stomach. A slight slant of his posture, Blaine’s temple and cheek fell to rest on Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt’s massage slowed to a stop as Blaine’s hand fell limply into his lap. Yep. The tired Warbler was out like a light. Breathing in a soft, steady rhythm like he’d been the one getting a rub down. Not the other way around. Leaving Kurt with the option to wiggle free or become an upright body pillow.
He wanted to lie. As he saw Blaine’s frantic movement and heard that kind of voice he wanted to apologize again but he couldn’t leave things as they were. It was all or nothing, to an extent. He couldn’t chicken out. He’d have to explain more another time, when things were less of a shock. Then he’d go on to say that nothing else was real. No angels, no fairy tail creatures, just another species of creature that entered the human ‘world’ a long time ago.
When Kurt found out about these things, it wasn’t someone he loved. It was someone he was fond of but he didn’t really know Oliver and didn’t mind that. The disbelief, he went through that, but he didn’t have this moment that Blaine was. Kurt was composed as he listened to his friend and he took in another deep breath. “I can’t lie to you, Blaine. Not about this.” He shook his head but kept his eyes – he was freaked out by them the first day himself – locked on him, as if Blaine might not believe it without some kind of proof staring at him. “I’d love to tell you it’s not real but it is.”
If he knew what Oliver was when they met, he wondered if things would have been different. He felt like he’s been tricked – lured – in when he found out. He trusted this boy to guide him blindly almost every night, like he’d never normally do, and the guy was a demon. That sense of betrayal felt so small now. He hadn’t been one himself this entire time, no, but he left to become one knowingly. How much did that sting? Was it only confusing because human feelings felt more distant now or was it truly how different their experiences were? Where did his empathy go?
Never in his life did Blaine think that he would be putting distance between him and the man sitting on his bed staring at him–but he was. Step by step until his back was pressed against the door and he ran out of space to move any further. –Instinct? Fear? Room to breathe? He had no idea, he was just moving.– Nor would he ever dream that he couldn’t meet Kurt’s eyes. Looking inside of them had always felt like peering into a window and realizing he was home. Now they dropped Blaine’s heart when he realized that they might not be anymore. –Who was he kidding?– They weren’t. –Were they?–
Knowing that made him stare at the metal headboard past Kurt’s head unable to take what he saw and that sinking feeling in his gut that his doubts were real. There was nothing he could do but listen because it was the truth and truth was so important between them. From moment one up to now. No matter if it was breaking into pieces he wasn’t sure how he could fix. Or if he was the only one of them to remember for months that they promised to always be honest. Blaine’s mind was reeling. He could beg Kurt for it to be a lie–part of him desperately wanted to–but Kurt couldn’t give that to him.
“You left me for that,” he immediately regretted asking. “You left everyone for,” a shaking hand waved at Kurt before both reached up and shoved through his hair loosening the usually tamed curls and causing some to hang down. Balling them into fists next, he dug into his eyes. When he stopped, they were red and his lashes barely held back tears that were bound to start falling with the next crackling exhale. “How–? Why–? What did I do to make you think that this is what you wanted?” His mind continued to scream that this wasn’t real, that this was impossible. He could hear it so loud that it made his head hurt but all he could think to ask was how, why and what?
He didn’t really know what to do with someone like Blaine. He was working on dusting his crush under the rug as he had a feeling it wouldn’t end well to make a move, but it was pretty difficult when he was treated so well. Blaine knew more about him and what he’s been through than anyone else so far and it felt great to have let someone in. The details were only mentioned a few times, and he tried to talk about it even less than he thought about it now(which is to say, very very little). It’s been long enough away from it all that he wasn’t so.. Paranoid. He even showered in the locker room with everyone else. But there were little things that still stuck with him, like his personal space and naturally tense posture.
The thought that he could swoon when a boy shows him consideration like this feels kind of pathetic, but makes sense considering his last crush was on Finn and stemmed from the fact he was one of the only ones who didn’t looked at Kurt like he did belong in those dumpsters(Ouch.)
An actual shiver ran down his spine and as soon as he realized, he felt a blush on his cheeks and simply nodded, doing as asked. People really shouldn’t go around touching the necks of people who like them. Or suddenly whispering. This was all around a bad idea.
Blaine felt a smell sense of triumph when Kurt trusted him enough to inch forward without asking why. It was such a small gesture that most people wouldn’t even think twice about but coming from Kurt? The boy who Blaine wanted to prove to him that there were people there who truly cared for and accepted him for him–even a person but there were more here–trusted him now and it’d been something Blaine wanted more than anything from the day they met. Kurt was special to him. Important in ways that confused Blaine because how deep they ran. Kurt brightened his day by just being there. All Blaine ever hoped was he’d be able to do the same for him.
He’d missed the blush except the part where it colored Kurt’s ears. Which it always did when Kurt really lit up. He paused, wondering if he was okay but remembered their current position and didn’t ask because he wasn’t going to be annoying by constantly asking when someone really was okay. Kurt would show or tell him if he wasn’t anyway. His fingertips found their mark again instead. The elegant curves along Kurt’s neck. Blaine’s thumbs pressed in tighter than the rest before they made their way down to his shoulders and between. “Better,” he asked lowly letting one thumb graze the hollow dip of skin along Kurt’s clavicle past the collar of his shirt. Both touches disappeared and reappeared on Kurt’s shoulder blades, fingertips pressing along his spine looking for the places that needed the most attention. “See? Totally know what I’m doing. Or maybe I’m just really good at making it up,” he chuckled and bumped the insides of his legs against the outsides of Kurt’s trying to make him laugh too.
As the two stood in silence, it was as if time seemed to slow. Kurt was sure that the expression on his face was one big farrago of devastation and uncertainty, the exact look that had been reserved for Blaine since they had broken up. Eyes flashing over Blaine’s entire frame, Kurt immediately could feel the way that everything about his stance absolutely screamed of uneasiness. To think, this was the man that Kurt loved more than anything; the man that he had considered to not just be his best friend, but his soulmate. And now, they couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as one another. That thought alone utterly killed Kurt. As he swallowed heavily, Kurt tried to pick a coherent thought out from the mess of ‘why did I have to come to McKinley, it’s not as if this was my last time in Lima’ and ‘I’m sure blinking stupidly at your ex-boyfriend is a very adult way of handling this situation’. However, the loudest thought of all was a begging plea to the universe for some kind of distraction to interrupt this pathetic attempt at confrontation. Mr. Schue returning to the classroom with a new armful of Journey lyric sheets, his dad calling to alarmingly inform him that he lit a recipe book on fire with the burner whilst attempting to cook Carole dinner (again), Rachel texting in all caps that she was locked out of their apartment and Kurt needed to return to New York that instant to assist her. Anything would do.
Alas, the mystical teapot dwelling dwarf in the sky did nothing to aid Kurt in his predicament. It looked like he was on his own to sort things out. The sound of Blaine’s keys hitting the floor managed to snap Kurt out of his frozen trance. Trying to repress the complete ‘deer in the headlights’ look he had going on, Kurt tore his eyes away from Blaine and to the sheet music that the other man was staring at. “No,” He said suddenly, shaking his head, “I’m not about to run you out of your own school.” Kurt reached behind him for the papers, not daring to turn his back on Blaine. He had the strange feeling that the second he completely took his eyes off of him, Blaine would make a mad dash out the door. Kurt took two careful steps forward, only becoming aware of how incredibly loud his shoes were just then. Holding the music out for Blaine to take, Kurt found himself praying that he would just look at him. As difficult as this was, he still couldn’t bear the pain of such avoidance. Still, part of him considered walking out right then and there. The only thing keeping him grounded was the idea that awkward emotional skirmishes like this one would always be present between them. They would have to see each other, it was inevitable. Oh the pain of being in the same exact friend group as your ex. Kurt took in a long deep breath and decided that he was finally going to take the initiative, “How have you been?”
The longer he stood still underneath the crushing weight of Kurt’s stare, he began feel it down to his b o n e s heightening the need to get out. Every suffocating second made each limb start to match his heart in the ache department. With nothing to do to let all of that tension out, Blaine compromised by reaching an unsteady hand up and scratching the line of his jaw hard enough that a few reddened welts marked his skin after. –Running.– Running would put his bones at ease but he couldn’t free himself from the imaginary concrete his shoes were metaphorically plastered inside of. His the music sheets ceased to be the most important thing on the planet. Kurt was.I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re here. Stay long enough for me to prove it to you. I might not be able to but let me try. Blaine didn’t need their eyes to meet for Kurt to be the only thing that existed in his world. Wasn’t that always the case? No. He couldn’t think that way. His eyes were already burning and his vision blurred. It was only going to get worse if he kept it up. Shutting it down was harder than a whim would allow. Kurt was spot on for the reason he refused to turn his back to Blaine. If he had? He would have turned around to an empty room. Blaine couldn’t bring himself to walk out with Kurt watching him leave. So? He stayed. Gravity binding him to that exact spot. He heard his steps coming forward with a drummer’s tempo that quickened his pulse. “I know you wouldn’t,” his voice was a gravelly scratch mumble he couldn’t cough clear. –Again–, Kurt was the first one to close more space handing over the music before Blaine dared to reach out. He made sure not to touch him whatsoever when he gingerly took it and held it close.
“T-Thanks,” his gaze connected with Kurt’s eyebrows and cheeks. Anywhere but making direct eye contact. Necessary but agonizing. Those were eyes he thought he’d be stare into forever and see nothing but love shining. Seeing the pain, betrayal, disappointment and anger in them last time knowing he was responsible? Blaine would admit he was a coward by avoiding it and deserved to feel the soul shattering hurt by having it greet him in person rather than seeing it burned into his thoughts and nightmares but he’d been a hypocrite to Kurt in the worse way possible. Courage wasn’t something he had. Not for this. “I should–,” he gestured over his shoulder with a jutted out thumb. A question abruptly halted that notion. How greedy should he be with his reply? –Horrible. I can’t sleep. I’m thinking about leaving McKinley because I can’t stand seeing your ghost everywhere. I need you to forgive me. Hate me but say you forgive me.– “Fine. I’m fine. You know–,” he tried to say it lightly as possible, “I’m just– Good. I’m good.” God. Nothing says ‘layering on crap’ like jumbled words that makes absolutely no sense. Blaine took a couple backwards steps closer to the door to give them a ‘respectful distance’. –He’s waiting for you to talk.– Desperate not to have how awful his answer was pointed out, Blaine met Kurt’s eyes at last. Kurt would see through everything if he kept staring elsewhere. He’d see through it if he didn’t, too. Either way he was stuck and he deserved more than him staring at their reflections in the polish. A deep breath tried to make up for the connection stealing all of his oxygen. “How about you? What have you been up to in Lima?”
This was a trainwreck. One he was stuck in because it was too much of a twisted tangle to crawl out of.
Out of everyone, Blaine seemed to be the most concerned with what did or didn’t bother Kurt. Probably because he knew about Kurt’s need for space and about the bullying, whereas the guys at McKinley weren’t really close to him in the first place and the ones at Dalton didn’t know about exactly why he transferred. Still, it meant a lot that Blaine respected his boundaries like he did.
Kurt smiled a little and chuckled softly. Quite frankly, he didn’t give a rat’s ass what landed him a shoulder rub but he did realize he should probably verbalize an answer before he falls asleep like this. “Not worried. I just haven’t worked anything out in a while.” It hurt a little, as knots do when being messed with, but Kurt was not about to complain. He wasn’t going to focus on the last few questions on the page either, but he could finish that later.
Blaine always handled Kurt with a carefully measured amount of practiced gentility. From the tones he used in their conversations to the way he carried himself around him. This wasn’t any different. One slight tensing up of Kurt’s muscles and he’d have stepped back and let him go with an apology and a promise to never cross that line again. All of it due to the fact that he knew Kurt’s story and what was worse? He lived it to an extent that he briefly mentioned but never fully explained to the other boy because Kurt was always his focus. Anything he could do to keep those tears he saw each time they threatened to fall at bay. Whether it was what him speaking about what he went through when they first met? Or coming to Dalton only to reveal more stories about McKinley during their late night talks. A coil of rage and desperate want to make Kurt better always settled in his stomach until he fixed things and they were both laughing and happy again. Because that was when Kurt was his most—beautiful. Welp!
Time for a deep breath, a quick dismissal of that thought and to carry on like it never happened. Blaine was bound to treat him tenderly the more he got to know him and become that person who he wished he had before Dalton and the Warblers. Of course. Because he was perfectly fine now. Not thinking about the past at all. Or how he wished he was there to ward off anything that could hurt someone so sweet and kind as Kurt. Definitely not. Instead, his fingers danced down the length of Kurt’s throat to his shoulders. Bending down, he softly whispered. “Scoot forward. Got an idea. I need some room if you don’t mind, Mister Hummel?”
pianokeysandbowties back up 