She didn´t want to think about the time when Blaine would go
back to Lima. It felt as if he had already stayed longer than he should have,
but then again Rachel had trouble with getting the days right. They all seemed
the same to her and while music was what gave her comfort she was dreading next
week when she´d go back to NYADA. She had taken the week off, but it
wasn´t really doing her anything good, then again she wasn’t sure WHAT
was doing her any good.
Or maybe she did. Being here in bed with Blaine, watching a
movie and just…knowing that she wasn´t alone. No…FEELING that she wasn´t
alone, was doing her good. She felt herself relax and maybe, just maybe she
figured that they were all going to be okay. Sometimes she thought about Carol
and Burt and how they were dealing with it and Rachel made a mental note to
call them as soon as possible. She knew she´d have to be strong eventually, but
it felt nice to just…let go for a while.
Her lips stayed curled into a smile as Blaine traced his
fingers over her forehead and nose and she laughed, moving herself closer to
him so she could reach up to ruffle through his hair. “Yes, yes. I think you CAN,”
She then agreed. “Your hair´s really soft. And it looks good when it´s curly,
trust me, I´m an expert in this.”
Blaine made space for her as she nudged in closer unknowing that she was about to DARE shove a hand in his hair. And he couldn’t help laughing when she did. “Hey! You are so lucky you just complimented this mess after making it into one! I can’t believe you!” No guilt. Not yet anyway. Maybe it was okay to be okay for a second or two. His hand jerked up to snatch hers out of the air before she could pull it away as he huffed and chuckled with his bangs now in his face. Having caught hold of it, he had no idea what to do next. Probably should have planned that out better..
So? He winged it and gave her knuckles a kiss before tethering his fingers through hers and wrapping both her arm and his across her chest pulling her impossibly closer and holding on tight. “You know? I could try it. For you. Probably for Kurt, too. I think.” He quickly corrected himself knowing his boyfriend loved when his curls were loose. Blaine never can help wondering if Kurt’s being nice or saying so because he is the only one who gets to see him that way outside of Brittany’s horrid prom theme. Both?
“I don’t know. I was lucky enough to have people forget seeing me without at least a little control over this mop on top of my head the first time,” though his eyebrows shoved towards one another and he hummed in thought as soon as he said so, “Then again? They usually forget my first or last name isn’t Warbler. So that’s not saying much… Do you think I should risk it?” His nose scrunched up. “Or wait until I’m in the safety of New York City permanently to try it out? A lot less people who know me here.. And no possible yearbook pictures to immortalize it.”
A part
of Rachel wondered whether Blaine was just saying these things so she wouldn´t
feel worse about herself. She didn´t want to think that he was lying, but
Blaine was a kind soul who´d never actually call her a burden. She herself,
however, felt like one, because there was nothing she could do to control the
overwhelming grief she was struck by. Losing Finn had felt like the ground
being pulled from under her feet and ever since then she had been falling. Most
of the days she managed to put on a brave face and a smile, but whenever she
came home the façade crumbled rather quickly.
Having
Blaine here was helping though, and Kurt too of course, but he was just as
affected by this like Rachel was and sometimes it helped to hug him, but sometimes
it made things worse.
She
kept her eyes on the tv, focusing on the way he was playing with her hair,
slowly relaxing. The tightness in her chest was slowly dissolving and at his
words she almost smiled. “Mhm…my hair is amazing,” Rachel nodded. “Yours is
pretty nice too, though you do use a bit too much gel,” She then teased.
Alternating between the comb and his fingers running through her hair, Blaine found comfort in the cool, silky strands when their long lengths glided through it. This was better than laying in bed awake, staring at the ceiling and wondering how he was going to piece the two people he loved so deeply back together. Rachel was giving him a way out of his thoughts and she had no clue on how much he appreciated it. He knew her well enough to know she still felt like he was going too far out of his way. She couldn’t be any more wrong. He’d sit here for hours if she’d let him. You know? Between checking in to make sure Kurt was still asleep and not doing exactly what she was saving him from.
Oh God. They were going to be okay. Weren’t they? Somehow. Someway. There was going to come a time where all of them could laugh again without wondering if they should feel guilty about it? How was he supposed to go back to Lima when his heart, mind and soul was stuck right here? Where he was needed most. He made a plan to push his flight back as far as he could as soon as the sun came up.
Seeing a tiny smile from her made his heart skip a beat. That was all he needed to know he was making the right decisions. Lima could stay in Lima. It’d be waiting for him when he decided to go back and that was okay. I’ll figure out the rest later. Grinning lightly, he danced the tips of his fingers across her forehead. Then let the edge of his pointer drag down the bridge of her nose to the very end. Tap, tap. “There’s never enough gel when it comes to my hair. Or is it? Are you saying I should lay off a little, Miss Berry? I think..I mean..maybe I can?”
Rachel didn’t want to be selfish, especially not in times
like these, but she didn´t know how to change. Not right now. She knew Blaine
felt the pain too, and he probably felt Kurt´s as well. And now here she was,
burdening him with hers as well. She took a deep breath to calm herself down,
not wanting to cause any more trouble. Maybe watching a movie together would
give them both a chance to relax and maybe they´d fall asleep. Or she´d fall
asleep and he´d be able to get back to Kurt, because as much as Rachel hated
the thought of waking up alone she didn’t want Kurt to experience it either.
“I´m more in the mood for Audrey, too.” She agreed then. The
truth was: Barbra reminded her too much of Finn and while the woman would
still, and always, be her icon, Rachel would need a little time. Once the DVD
was in the player she offered Blaine a smile and moved so he could brush her
hair. “I love you too, and I`m sorry for being such a burden.” She said
quietly, eyes fixed on the TV.
She leaned into his touch then, trying to focus on the movie
and the way his fingers in her hair could distract her from her pain.
Blaine’s heart sank when Rachel apologized for being a burden. Of all the things Rachel Berry was to him? And there were many crowns this particular woman could wear on her head in his life story. First girl (and only) girl he ever kissed. First girl he ever took on a date. Duet partner. Friend. Confidant. Competitor. Probably a dozen more. Some of which were even yet unknown to them both? Rachel could never be a burden. Especially tonight. “Rachel. I can use a lot of words to describe you and what you mean to me. That one, though? Never. Not in a million years, okay? Put that thought away. It doesn’t belong here tonight. Never will. I promise.”
Gently laying her hair out across his lap, he started to comb it carefully making sure never to pull a single strand. The first few strokes of the brush were so light, they barely counted until he settled on what kind of motions to make. His gaze flicked up to the television as the previews ended and the movie started. The brush paused, his fingers swept through and he started over again.
Kurt must have been well into sleep. Not a single peep from their ‘room’ even with the television on. “You know.. I bet there are so many women who pass you by wishing they had hair like this. It’s gorgeous.” Mindless chatter with the hum of his voice and the television. Just his way of keeping her mind as elsewhere as he could lead it.
Rachel knew that she was being selfish, but she couldn´t
help it. Finn´s death had thrown her off track, and she had been trying to stay
strong for Kurt and even for Carol, but the truth was: She was broken. Not
necessarily because she had still been in love with him, but because she had
figured he would always be a part of her life and now that image of her future
had just been ripped apart.
He had been Blaine´s friend too, though, and simply relying
on Blaine to make her feel better, even if he was offering, was selfish. He was
suffering too, and yet here he was, trying to take care of both Kurt and her.
Rachel sighed, cradling the tea mug he had given her in her hands.
When Blaine told her he´d stay Rachel felt as if a part of
the weight she´d been carrying around with her had been lifted off of her. She
offered him what she assumed was a smile, the best she could come up with.
“Audrey.” She finally decided, because as much as she loved
Barbra: It would remind her too much of the times she had made Finn watch Funny
Girl with her. Rachel put the tea aside and scrambled out of bed, going for her
DVD collections. She went through it for a little while before pulling out a
case.
“How about Roman Holiday? I heard they´ll be holding
auditions for a revival on Broadway soon!”
The tiniest smile from Rachel made Blaine feel like he’d just moved a mountain all by himself. A swell of relief and happiness made his heavy heart feel lighter as he searched her eyes and reflected it with the same upward curve of his lips right back. Even if it was barely there, it meant everything to him. “Audrey it is.. I’m more in the mood for her anyway. Then again,” he asked trying to perk up even brighter, “When is there ever not a good time for Miss Hepburn?”
His hands were waiting, ready for the DVD when she drew close and he waved towards the bed as soon as he took it. “Go get comfy. Or I’m claiming three quarters of the mattress all to myself. You have yet to encounter my starfish capabilities. They’re pretty impressive.”
When his back was to her–Blaine took just a second to center himself as he thumbed the DVD in the player and flicked the volume button on the TV up a few notches keeping it low enough so Kurt wouldn’t wake up but loud enough for them to enjoy. His smile fell, his eyes went tired. Both were erased by the same lopsided smile he had a minute ago the second he had the remote in his hand and scurried back to her side grabbing her hairbrush off her dresser on the way.
“I love you, Rachel Berry. You know that,” he asked with a hum as he rested his back against the headboard and crossed his legs under one another. “Come here,” motioned down to his lap and wiggled the brush. “I’ll brush your hair while we watch. Deal?”
Rachel could feel the slight shaking of Blaine´s body and
she could tell that he was crying too. She adored him even more for trying to
hold it together for her sake, though she would have never expected him to do
that. He had a right to grieve about their loss as much as Kurt or her did and
he shouldn´t be the one trying to bear it all. They were all in this together
and as hard as it was sometimes Rachel felt as if they were lucky that they had
each other.
She held onto him for a little longer, trying to take deep
breaths and to calm herself down so he´d get a chance to do the same. Sometimes
she felt better once she´d let it all out and with someone there by her side it
was a lot easier.
Once they moved she watched as he took her hands and rested
them against his chest, a tentative smile tugging on the corners of her lips.
It felt good, to feel the steady heartbeat and the warmth beneath her fingers,
knowing that he was alive and here. When he told her that he´d be back she
nodded, taking a few deep breaths, trying to figure out if she´d be alright.
After a minute she decided that she was good, or well…alright. And alright was
much better than she had felt just a few minutes ago.
When he finally returned she offered him a smile, tears on
her cheeks having dried. “No…thank you.” Rachel the muttered, “I´m fine. Just
tea.” She glanced up at Blaine. “Do you…maybe want to watch a movie? You don´t
have to if you want to go back to sleep,” She wouldn´t keep him from returning
to Kurt and their warm bed, but Rachel couldn´t deny that she was hoping he´d
stay.
Oh God, he just wanted to make her feel better. Kurt, too. Feeling this helpless was awful. Fetching tea and holding someone tight didn’t seem like enough. Common sense told him that’s all they could do for one another. Be there, be close. But he wanted to do more. He wanted to fix the unfixable. And it was the most awful, powerless feeling in the world. Seeing Rachel’s face dry was one small victory that brought him a bit of peace and he’d hang onto it for as long as he could. Use whatever strength it gave him to just keep trying to ease their ache.
They were all too young for this. Too young to lose brothers or lovers or.. If he started thinking on how unfair this was again, he was going to get as frustrated as he did every time that happened. Beyond the furthest meaning of the world. None of this was fair. Unanswered questions and a total lack of any sort of reason or purpose of someone being stolen away was all they had. It was nauseating.
“Okay. Tea it is then,” Blaine waited until she had a firm grip on her mug before he took a sip from his own and crossed back over to ‘his side’ of the bed. He already had one knee about to hit the mattress when she asked him if he minded staying to watch a movie. Rachel was still wide awake and Blaine already planned on staying close until she drifted off again.
Smiling softly as he gingerly sat the mug on the nightstand and stood back up again, he shrugged and went to her bookcase to fetch whatever movie she picked out. “I didn’t plan on going away until you were asleep. Of course I’ll watch a movie with you. Any movie you want. Want some Barbra? Or how about Audrey?”
Rachel knew there was nothing to apologize for. Not
considering the situation they were in, and yet she felt like she had to
apologize, because Blaine was affected by this as much as she was and yet he
found the strength to somehow support her, and Kurt too.
Sometimes Rachel still couldn’t believe that Finn was gone.
They might not have been a couple, and maybe they wouldn’t have become one
again either, but they would have always had a special connection with each
other and it would have worked out one way or another.
That chance had been taken from them though and Rachel
couldn’t deal with that. She held onto Blaine tightly, sobbing into his
shoulder until it felt as if she had no more tears to spend. She sighed,
exhausting taking over as she slumped against him.
“Thank you…” She finally whispered, the answer to something
said minutes ago. “And…maybe.” She couldn’t promise that she´d get out of the
apartment. She had taken two weeks off NYADA, starting when they had all gone
back to Lima to celebrate Finn´s life, but one week was already done and when she
had returned to New York neither her nor Kurt had left the apartment.
Rachel sighed again, pulling back slightly, but still
holding on to Blaine. “Do you…want to make some tea?”
Blaine was doing his best to hold it together for both their sakes and he thought he was doing a pretty good job of it until Rachel started to sob into his shoulder. That’s when he couldn’t hold back. Tears beaded at the corners of shut eyes before they fell into the dark chestnut strands of hair he was nuzzled down into.
Keeping his breathing steady as possible, he traced circles between her shoulders with one hand. Not letting go, not even for a beat, he cried with her as quietly as he could. When she calmed and went still, her weight drew him out of it far enough that the tears came to an end.
“You’re welcome,” his voice was uneven but he nodded taking what he could get as far as his idea that they should all go out. “I’ll take a maybe. A maybe is a lot better than a no.”
Closing his hands over both of hers and leaning back, Blaine rested her palms against his chest letting her feel the warmth there. Thumbs ran back and forth over the edges of her palms. “Yeah. I can do that,” a kiss was pressed to her forehead, “Wait here.”
The heels of his palms dug into the hollows of his eyes as he walked to the kitchen and fought the urge to cry the whole way there. His pieces were glued together flimsily, no way would he be able to do it again before he had to go back to her. Splashing water from the sink up to wash his face before filling the kettle and fixing their mugs just right, he pressed the button and waited. Agonizing minutes later, the kettle shut itself off and he returned to her side of the bed, speaking softly in case she fell asleep. “Tea’s ready.. You sure you don’t want a snack, too?”
It wasn´t what he was here for and Rachel couldn´t help but
feel guilty.
Blaine was hurting too, even if it was in a different way.
The three of them, and the others too of course, were barely hanging on by a
thread and nobody really knew how to deal with it. Not at this time of the
night, when the nightmares came and she had Finn in her arms, only for him to
be ripped away from her once more and then again when she woke up and reality
slapped her in the face.
Rachel felt the tears stinging in her eyes as she struggled
to breathe, just curling up in Blaine´s arms. It was selfish of her, she was
well aware of that, but she couldn´t make it stop.
“I´m sorry…” She mumbled again, trying to hold in the sobs
that were threatening to escape her throat, but the attempt just had her body
shaking. “I just…I wish…I…” Rachel tried but broke off, because Blaine knew
what she was going to say anyway. She clung to him, burying her face against
his shoulder.
Feeling Rachel curling into him–Blaine’s arms held her tight and his legs tangled up with hers just for the added reassurance that he wasn’t going anywhere. The tip of his nose buried into her hair before he pressed a kiss to her forehead and pulled his head back far enough on the pillow that he could catch her attention to give her a small, encouraging smile.
Then she was in his shoulder and he let her hide away. If for no other reason than to give himself a chance to figure out what to say and do. Whatever she needed? He’d give it.
“No apologies, Rachel Not now. Not ever. Especially not for me being here..” Blaine did his best to reassure her. She had no reason to feel guilty for him wanting to help her. That’s what friends are for. “I love you, Rachel.. I’ve got you.”
One arm shifted along her back–long fingers sank into thick strands of her bed crazy hair. Yeah, he got it. They all wished. “Maybe tomorrow we can go for coffee. The three of us. Take a walk down the block to the nearest shop. It’d be good to get out..,” he whispered soothingly trying to give her something to focus on.
Olive fingers laced through ivory and he held onto Kurt sleeping next to him like the two of them might spiral out into space if he let go. Blaine never fell asleep before his fiance’. Not once since this trip back to New York did he allow himself even a wink until Kurt’s breathing was steady, the tears stopped and quiet settled into the loft.
God this quiet. It was stomach churning to lay there awake in. No matter how many times he told himself it didn’t get to him to be the last one awake? He never truly convinced himself.
They were all in pieces. Kurt’s and Rachel’s were just more important to fix but in the middle of the night? His own hurt came in and his head spun with how he was going to glue the three of them back together. Until there was nothing but dark and he was asleep, no real answers coming to mind other than: I’ll just be here..
Rachel. He heard her in the light sleep he’d drifted off to. Kurt was still sleeping and he was now an expert of getting out of bed without stirring him. Blaine was inside ‘her room’ in seconds.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you. Shh, don’t worry about that. It’s what I’m here for..,” the bed gave a rattle as he climbed into lay beside her, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before she was pulled into his arms.
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