Alright. Spending Spring Break of their Senior Year on a road trip to get away from Westerville and Lima and see something new had a different meaning to Blaine than it did Sam. A road trip to Hershey Park. Maybe over to Chicago to play tourists? You know? That sort of road trip. With hotels that had running water and electricity. Sam, on the other hand? Sam suggested they do something he’d been wanting to do forever. Since they spent a weekend creeping themselves out binge watching youtube videos of guys sneaking into abandoned buildings or places they claimed to be haunted.
A map already pinpointed with places he wanted to go see, ones he researched for weeks was shoved into Blaine’s hand one day at lunch. Sam couldn’t stand still as he threw his sales pitch, weight shifting from side to side and his eyes lit up with a fire that Blaine never could resist being drawn towards. Sam’s excitement about anything was always infectious. By the end of his spiel–Blaine was expecting him to be bouncing off the walls and furniture if he didn’t calm down. Who could say no to that? No one. Especially not him. Within minutes of stuttered pleas and a drawn out ‘but rollercoasters’ that Sam just rolled his eyes at because nothing Blaine countered with could compare to ‘Ghost towns, Blaine. Ghost.TOWNS.’ Blaine tossed in the towel and agreed right as a list of supplies they needed was shoved in his hand and Sam zipped off, a human streak of lightning filled with adrenaline and anticipation.
Good luck to Ms. Peterson. Sam’s American History class was in for a treat.
Okay, that was the beginning. Now, let’s skip ahead to the present. Cause having a moment where he regretted ever saying yes to Sam in his life wasn’t something Blaine pictured until the words ‘girl slaughtered her family in the basement’ hit his ears. Dust billowed around his shoes as the former Warbler came to a sudden stop. His camera fell to hit against his chest as his hand pressed flat against a wall covered in yellowed, dirty wallpaper that once had to be cream with mauve colored roses. “Woah. Woah. Hold up. What did you just say?”
“That’s something you tell someone before they’re..you know? On the steps leading down to the basement in question, SAM.” A bloodbath happened down there? In the creepy, horror movie basement they could barely see into from the kitchen? “We’ve been to three different towns so far. I’ll admit, the school wasn’t the most awesome of places I’ve ever been in the ‘Wow. I really don’t want to die at the hands of a weird family of hillbillies that made this their town and have been following us this entire time.’ list. This, though? This tops the cake.” Not that he had anything else on this “list”. But that’s besides the point! Springing something that heavy right out of the blue? Not cool.
A half-hearted glare was shot up at him from the corner of Blaine’s eyes as he shook his head and clicked on his flashlight. “You owe me big time for this one.” Here comes the under the breath grumble aimed at Sam’s back, complete with smirking pout. “Ifwedon’tdie.”
Blaine suddenly wished he stayed home instead of showing up for a sleepover complete with a round of Seven Minutes In Heaven and Spin The Bottle (how many make out games can a group of seniors come up with..? okay.. a lot.) with stolen liquor and way too much time on their hands to entertain themselves. What he wasn’t expecting was when things got quiet and half the party fell asleep? Someone would get the bright idea to mess with the freaking occult. A party game? More like.. I might not have spent many years with my Grandmother but it was WAY enough to know not to mess with ghosts game.
Blowing out a breath, he stared down at the board that was left out on the table like a game of Monopoly abandoned out of boredom. One hand curled into a fist propped against a hip while the other raked through his hair and cupped the back of his neck, rubbing back and forth. You could practically feel the I don’t want to be here radiating from the former Warbler while he tried to pass it off as nothing.
“I don’t know but we should probably put it away. It’s spooky sitting there like that.“ Wouldn’t you know? He gestured at the board and looked at Sam expectantly like he was waiting for something. By we..he more or less meant Sam should do the thing. Cause touching it? Nah. It didn’t take two people, after all. And! Oh look! Conveniently, he remembered he left their food upstairs! “I’ll go get us something to eat. Meet you in the kitchen?”
One final, nope look at the ‘game’ and Blaine Anderson was on his way out! A pivot on his heel and he spun around in the direction of the steps to abort this mission on the asap.
It was funny how friendly smiles didn’t feel so friendly. Not like Sam hadn’t tried, mind you, but his wick was burning down and getting dangerously close to the point of no return. After all this time though, that really shouldn’t have come as such a surprise. After all, there was no happy ending for three, but for the other two; they at least had it set. He guessed. Why did he need to answer Blaine’s stupid question, wasn’t it obvious? Why else would he stand there twiddling his thumbs? It’s not like they ever had that much time anymore outside of school either. The more serious Kurt and Blaine got, the more they hung out; that was how relationships worked, especially in high school. So what good there had been was slowly drifting away within the winds of change.
Maybe that’d be his song for Mr. Schue’s assignment, not that it was really on his mind, but the hour had given him time to think. And that time sucked. More so because he was able to fill in the blanks and the lover’s fond farewell only furthered the bitter taste on his tongue. It should have been them. And then when he spoke it was just… Was Blaine even listening? Yeah, of course he was, he was right there but would he even bother to look at him?
Not until it was too late. “Are you though?!” Sam snapped, though it certainly wasn’t as harsh as it could have been, but it didn’t stop his arms from flailing out in an animated fashion, successfully ripping away Blaine’s grasp at his wrist. He stopped where he stood, half past Blaine and now awkwardly turned towards him. “Yeah, maybe you don’t, but I kinda do.” Whatever Blaine felt towards him, if anything anymore could easily be siphoned into Kurt for some weird sort of outlet, whereas Sam… It was just Blaine.
“It’s really messed up. The worst part is Kurt would have probably been over it by now and onto the new jock who’s actually full gay, full homo out in the open.” Blonde Jocks, kind of Kurt’s thing. He could speak from experience. “And then who knows where that would have actually put us.” Wherever or whatever it was would hurt a lot less than this. “What am I supposed to wait for? Or like, how long am I supposed to wait?” He’d been patient. He’d been quiet. “It’s like torture, I’m the stupid cliche that’s got the guy pining after his best friend, and you know what? I’ve seen this freaking movie. I know how it ends up, Blaine.” Sam’s frustration was building to the point where he was rambling, not really paying attention to how he sounded because the words flew quicker from his tongue than his brain processed them. “In like, three years when you and Kurt finally get married, I’m the one standing behind you, watching it all go down and it’s me that’s starting from square one. Yeah we didn’t think this through, but like, how long is this gonna go on for?” It wasn’t a him or me situation, but… His involvement had to stop at some point. “And then, is it just gonna be ‘just a bit longer’?”
And in general, did he really have a choice in the matter? He’d agreed to do it, and admitted it would be better for Kurt… But in hindsight, that was the kind of choice you should sleep on before doing something stupid.
“Like, do you just feel nothing for me anymore? ‘Cause if that’s the case, just tell me, because I’m sick of standin’ around, watching everyone get their happy endings,” As if high school love typically translated post graduation, but in Sam’s mind it was a simpler summary. “This is why you don’t freaking lie, because it turns into this huge goddamn mess and now what?” He should have known after last year and the Bieste Chronicles.
Blaine didn’t know what to say. This all felt so above his head and he was doing his best to try and reach for anything he could grab onto to tie this all together and hand over to Sam in a neatly bound package with all the answers inside. But he couldn’t. No matter how high he jumped, or far he reached. He couldn’t find the answers. When that’s what he always did before. People expected it of him. He expected it of himself. Not being able to find the conclusions that helped someone and their situation (which this one happened to be because of him, so it only made it worse) made his insides tense up and his brain feel like it was on the verge of screaming. It made him doubt how good of a friend he was if he couldn’t do the thing friends should do the most for someone and that’s help them.
His breath rattled as he swallowed around it trying to get as much oxygen into briefly frozen lungs as he could. Confused, almost fearful (at what though..?) eyes darted across Sam’s face like he might find his reply written in Sam’s eyes or forehead or anywhere that he was looking. Which was everywhere. His own words from last year to Kurt came back to haunt him. I don’t know what I’m doing. “I didn’t want you to walk away yet. That’s all.” Blaine’s grip held fast as he glanced down at his hand wrapped around Sam’s wrist. “I don’t want to lose you forever.”
Ouch. His teeth clenched together and he looked visibly stung at the idea he’d be just a passing phase for Kurt should some blond, out in the open jock come along. They meant more to each other than a phase. But he tried to take that punch the best he could. Sam deserved at least one good verbal throw at him. That one was a doozy. His face crumpled, brows lifted up and pushed together as a wave of doubt crashed in after he told himself that. Well. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe Kurt would have left him for someone he liked more. It would have torn him up but it’s not anything he hasn’t thought of a few times himself with the quietness that sometimes fell between his boyfriend and himself.
Maybe it would have left him free and open for Sam to come back from being gone and they could pretend Blaine, somehow, knew that it was going to happen one day and that he’d waited because of it. But that was neither here nor there because things didn’t go that way. And left without any more advice or words of wisdom or means of making Sam feel better? With all his defenses of helping stripped away?
Blaine caved.
Shifting, as it was his nature to, into a default mode of slouched shoulders and hoping that if he said what he thought Sam wanted to hear? That things might be okay eventually. That he’d finally punch the right button to stop them from falling apart and they’d get back on the mend sooner or later. If he could figure that out? Then, he could make this stop. Sam would forgive him for whatever he was doing and this whole mess would quit getting worse. “Of course I feel something for you. How couldn’t I?” He blinked and shook his head, cracking further. “Don’t wait for me, Sam. Don’t.” His touch slipped away and Blaine stepped back putting distance between him and someone he never thought he’d have to step away from. “Find someone who deserves you. Find someone who gives you what you deserve back. Get your happy ending.”
“I’ll tell Kurt the truth and..,” and Kurt would forgive him for lying eventually. They only did it because he knew how out of control Kurt felt about his life with graduation looming ahead, NYADA, building his application, his father, everything. One more thing on his plate wasn’t what he needed. Looking back? It was stupid. Why would he have even cared? “I’ll tell him and I’ll go home. Just. STOP. Please? I don’t want to lose you..not all the way. Again. So, can we please just stop before we can’t take something back?”
Blaine had no idea who the blond boy was that yelled his name and nearly brought the performance to a halt before the stunned lead regained his composure and centered himself. Every time Sam met his eyes while he sang, it was with a familiarity that Blaine didn’t quite get. More than once, it made the Warbler blush. Olive skin dusted pink from self consciousness once Sam broke eye contact. And he always broke it first. Blaine’s color easily chalked up to how many times he’d managed to walk across the back of a couch only to end up standing on top of the piano. Seriously, his parents would kill him if they knew how bouncy he was.
Did the boy have any idea he even noticed him? Or did he dismiss it as Blaine simply acknowledging the other’s presence? But Blaine did notice. He might not have approached screamed his name like Sam did, but he noticed. That was Sam’s point wasn’t it? To get his attention? Blaine had never seen him before but Sam must have seen or heard of him to know his name. It was as flattering as it was confusing and Blaine couldn’t help but want to know more. Yes, he had people who loved his performances. Never one so in love that they made an outburst in the middle of one though. That was new.
A strange feeling came over him in the hours afterwards. It was the same feeling he got when he was at therapy. Or when Cooper showed him dozens of pictures of the two of them. Always looking half cut off or parts of them out of frame. Like what happens when someone rushes back before the timer goes off. But they looked happy. Cooper looked happier, though. Probably because he was only visiting. Blaine had trouble explaining to him that he wished he wouldn’t go. Because, in Blaine’s world, he’d made that argument only a handful of years ago. As promised, he came back four times now. The routine was nice. His brother lead him through every step the doctors said and Blaine swore he felt something come to mind but always lost it at the last second before he could grab onto it.
Exactly how he felt when he saw Sam without Sam realizing he’d made it to where he said they could meet. Sam was four people ahead of him in line at the cafe. He was on the phone and Blaine couldn’t hear what he was saying but it was how he was saying it that made Blaine’s head tilt. Sam looked soft, patient. Encouraging whoever was on the other end of the phone with soft tones and a gentle smile. Blaine knew that look but knew it was impossible. Because Sam was the new kid. The new new kid. So he found out in the rushed introduction after the signing came to a stop and poor Sam looked like he wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere as he approached him. It was his first day and he was picking up the torch Blaine left behind when he transferred earlier in the year.
Gotta love the way his brain works. Memories were thoughts sometimes. Thoughts were memories (maybe). Or was he making stuff up as he went along to fill in the blanks because the blanks were unnerving?
‘Well… Maybe we can’t fix it. But maybe we could try again?’
Hands shook underneath the table as he wrung them together harder and harder the longer he listened. His parents kept him under lock and key after the incident. He hadn’t met anyone who knew him before. No one came to visit. No one bothered to try to see him. Or so he was lead to believe. An option he hasn’t considered until now. Did his parents hide Sam? If so? Why? The question was on the tip of his tongue and he leaned in to ask it. But everything stopped when a weather worn strip of photographs came sliding carefully across the table. “We look so happy. How is that stupid? It’s not stupid.” Pain laced around the words of encouragement. How could he hurt for memories that were lost? Well. One look at Sam and you had the answer. Sam looked lost. Broken because of him. Because of what was lost and what was inside that picture was part of it. There was happiness there. Pure happiness and the two of them were brimming over with it.
Blaine brought one hand up while the other grabbed at the inside of his knee. Pink crescent shapes created by his fingernails lined the top and side. But, he reached out and touched the very edge of the photographs. His silent, reassuring smile and careful meeting of Sam’s gaze was a promise he’d never do anything to harm them. Pulling it across the table before placing his hand back underneath where it snatched the other up in a blink–Blaine studied their faces closely. “It looks like the best time of my life and then some. We look..,” like two people who cared so deeply for each other that Blaine understood why Sam looked so hurt even more. “You don’t have to walk away. We can try. I want to know you. I need to know you. Is that okay? A promise to try? I just..,” his nose scrunched and he tried to say it as gently as possible, “I don’t want to upset you if..if you really see how much I don’t..” Swinging his hand up, he wriggled his fingers by the side of his head and let them fall again. “You know?”
Laughter. Light and as happy as he was inside the Warblers Common Room. “Wolverine? You sure? I mean. Who gives up Wolverine?”
( mssg » blaine | sent ) omg dude my fingers are gonna have freaking abs by the time i wake up tmrw lmao jesus man i love it. ok ok lemme reply
( mssg » blaine | sent )
i literally have never been so stoked to be signed up and i’ve signed up for some PrEtTy cool things in my life time blaine. but this is still my fave. lol you make it sound like an escape room hahah
( mssg » blaine | sent )
DUDE. if it makes you feel any better you were always right with me lol. like you were 1000% the Brain and i was Pinky altho poor inaccurate representation of us because pinky doesnt even have abs and ur head isnt nearly that big (except when u win three games of singstar or cod in a row then it gets BIGGER) lolol. You can be right with me and that’ll weigh out whatever awkward “wrongness” comes ur way. i’m so freaking glad it wasnt weird
( mssg » blaine | sent )
i get what you mean. i’m not ur therapist but IM telling you not to think about it like that ok? like, picture yourself as a big apartment building ok? like the coolest apartment building in the WHOLE wide freaking world that has a movie theatre in it and lazer tag in the basement and secret tunnels to get around, with trees that grow money, and the BEST chinese food pizza place in it thats got like two michelin mans because its so good. also the rock lives there and hes always throwing dope parties and inviting us over for cheat day (ok but that isnt apart of what im trying to say i’m just saying we would be buddies with him. and not only that but like stan lee and tom hardy and they also filmed starwars on the roof ok? and think of all the people that live there as ur likes, and memories, and all the good and bad things that ever happened
( mssg » blaine | sent )
but one day… a whole floor got bed bugs so u quarantined the floor like the super vac-u-lock kinda doors like in Alien and fall out and that floor had to get torched by khaleesi’s dragons personally. and unfortunately because no one warned anyone that lived there they got insinerated and we’re gonna look over the huge lawsuit that u would inherit under any other circumstance but THEY WERE REALLY BAD BEDBUGS and again you’re the COOLEST apartment building in the entire universe. even the queen has her own room with her own reptilian exit in the basement that opens into all the tunnels to middle earth and stuff. so those people, some of them were good people and… it really really sucks theyre gone but.. there were also some really bad people too. like some stuff that really sucked when you were going through it, some of the worst things you wouldn’t ever wana remembeer? well theres some balance there.
( mssg » blaine | sent )
because in the end, once the floor was torched its now empty and you can LITERALLY design it the way you want. u want a hair gel factory in there? honestly i’d judge you a little bit but you can put one in, and you can put in a pizza place and a to scale replica of hogwarts so it’s like apartmentception and stuff but… the point is, you have a blank slate now and thats pretty cool.
( mssg » blaine | sent )
You’re still y o u blaine. just cause you lost some people along the way doesn’t make you any less you. all you can do is be the best version of yourself and thats who you’re happy with when u look in the mirror. and whoever that guy is? well he makes me pretty damn happy too.
( mssg » blaine | sent )
summers coming, maybe we could do a mini roadtrip. check all those things off the list. we’ll do a bunch of concerts, and go to the beach, and idk go chill with your horse for a bit. u cant ride him but maybe you can just give him lots of love? maybe he can have his own instagram, idk blaine its a brand new world and animals are so hot rn on insta im js
( mssg » blaine | sent )
anytime. i’ll tell you if you want, but i think you should just try to smash the blaine anderson mold you put yourself in. think of it as digivolving, or just evolving if you wanna stick with pokemon. you just got your evolution stone, blaine. you’re still gonna be old you,but you now have room for the new you too. and as of right now? theres no difference. they’re one in the same. hows that for a mindfuck? sry i know i should be gentle on your brain, its been through enough but those old mindtwisters, they’ll getcha there.
( mssg » blaine | sent )
dude, ive literally been smiling since you texted me and its starting to hurt, same w my fingers but like i like it. i missed this sfm. DUDE DUDE DUDE
( mssg » blaine | sent )
omg i was about to say do you remember when and i swear 2 god its out of habit pls dont be offended if i say that in person IRL dont mean to omg
( mssg » blaine | sent )
BUT OKAY i’m just saying once upon a time we were talking about statistics (lol u srsly did NOT like mr. ratger at all) after class one day and we ended up getting sucked into a wormhole wondering how many times we _____. like how many times have u hugged ur mom? and how many texts have you sent? how many times have u peed in your entire life? how many have we hung out? and we were wondering what your stats would be like if everything you ever did was recorded since u were born and we both got so mad we couldnt have started counting and that we lost years of data. altho to be honest that was like the week long matrix/conspiracy theory trek into the darkside of youtube so like OBVIOUSLY we were in too deep but it makes me laugh kinda because u wiped your hard drive and now have the perfect opportunity. but i dont suggest keeping track of how many times i make u laugh cause even ur not smart enough to count that high. 😛
( mssg » blaine | sent )
i’m gonna try, i promise. and i’m not goin anywhere. thank u for being so cool about this. like you’ve always been the coolest guy but dude, that stuck.
( mssg » blaine | sent )
oh…
( mssg » blaine | sent )
did your parents like… tell you anything? like at all? i was from bushwick, y’know, before dalton… hey, can i see you? i know its late but if i drive up to dalton rn, can we talk? if not, thats totally cool and we can talk tmrw night and stuff i just… kinda wanna answer this one in person if its ok with you? and if not, im sure u have a bunch more so u can throw those at me too i just… yeah.
( mssg » sam | sent)Now you’re just trying to make me feel better. 😛 ( mssg » sam | sent ) So what you’re saying is I should look at my brain like it has an empty floor and create something inside that space? It’d be hard to compete with everything else in this crazy apartment building but I’m sure I could give it a shot? ( mssg » sam | sent )
Maybe if I do that, then it’ll just fill back up again with what was already there lurking. Like cockroaches surviving a fire. The parts of it that don’t want to die out completely but are just waiting for someone to flip on the switch? I don’t know. Everyone has a different theory. Every specialist thinks they’re “on the verge” and it’s almost as annoying as it is terrifying that I’m supposed to trust these people with my past. ( mssg » sam | sent )
You said I forgot a lot of things. Good and bad. What did you mean by that? How much bad was there? My parents and Cooper don’t want to talk about it. They say it’s better to just let it go and not think about it or dwell on it. That I’m starting over for a reason and I shouldn’t look too far back. But, that’s my story. You know?
( mssg » sam | sent ) How am I supposed to not want to go back and reread it? I haven’t yet cause I promised them I wouldn’t. It’s a promise I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep.
( mssg » sam | sent ) I want to know about nights spent like you say. Weird movie binge watches that end up with us looking up conspiracy theories on the internet for hours. How we were so close and it all happened within the span of the years I lost. It’s not fair that you were inside that timeframe and I don’t remember anything about us. We should have met before. Then, maybe, you’d have stuck. ( mssg » sam | sent ) They told me a few things.. Bushwick? Really? Yes. Yes! Definitely. If it’s that important, don’t tell me here. Come see me. I stay at the dorm in my own room. You can stay as long as you want. I don’t have any appointments until after Spring Break. I thought being here with the Warblers who stayed behind would make better company.. ( mssg » sam | sent ) I’m on the top floor. Corner room at the end of the hall. You can use my pin number to get in. It’s 9531. Swipe your ID card and you’re set.
( mssg » sam | sent ) Drive safe. I’m really looking forward to seeing you.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) always, dude. sign me up for the all access pass then cause i’m in. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) oh man, lmao that’s gonna take some getting used to. thanks for asking the question tho instead of guessing. stevie is my lil brother, and stacie is my lil sister. … yeah, i hope its not weird to say or anything, but you’re totally still the same blaine just fyi. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) lmao jokes on you (but in a good way :P). yeah… i can’t imagine. the bright side is you’re still getting better so progress is progress and it’s all worth it. i’m not a therapist or anything (but we did only get like two channels after school for a while and one always had dr phil on when we came home from school so maybe im like, a little qualitfied////probably not tho) but i think you making YOU feel better is the most important part right now because your the one that has to work thru everything, not them. you deserve to laugh, and to smile, and your feelings DO matter blaine. they matter more than anything else. seriousness is OVERRATED, frustrtaion is too which makes me wonder how they had such a big board game building around it, you know? like dont wake daddy? operation? trouble? mousetrap? JENGA? ALL FRUSTRATION GAMES. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) lol sry blame it on the dysexlia. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) hmm. idk can i be honest? ( mssg » blaine | sent ) lol nvm i know what you’re gonna say but.. pls dont take this the wrong way either cause i just dont know how else to explain it but like. i know you and everything we had and how awesome BLAM was and i know how high the bar is and it’s like, i dont wanna set the bar to the wrong height but its like how do i put all those years and all the memories and the insider jokes and movie marathons all into like, a tanglable level? you know? like im not nERVOUS nervous im just ( mssg » blaine | sent ) i dont wanna blow it. and i know that sounds so stupid but i know they said this can be really overwhelming and like, i spent so long thinking what it would be like if things were the other way and i cant even think of the words for it and i just dont want to scare you off or come off too strong but its also hard because like that WAS us you know? lol we were extra i guess u could say ( mssg » blaine | sent ) i’m so so so so so happy you ended up texting me tonight like you dont even know. it feels so good to talk to you again. but im insight 101, hit me with ur best shot, fire away.lol sry for the typos keyboard is silly
( mssg » sam | sent ) Then consider yourself officially signed up! There’s no escaping now. ( mssg » sam | sent ) I’ve learned better to guess. I’m usually wrong and it makes for a whole lot of awkwardness I’d rather avoid for not just the other person but myself as well. It’s not weird to say. It’s reassuring to hear that from someone who isn’t related to me and knew me before this. Sometimes I wonder if I’m like myself or if I’m losing myself. Or who I was. ( mssg » sam | sent ) I’m not supposed to think like that. I am who I am and that’s the biggest lesson I need to hang onto. Or so I hear. But that’s a lot easier said than done. Because I don’t want to forget who I was and change completely. I still love music. I still love being on the water. Not allowed to ride my horse but I love him a lot. ( mssg » sam | sent ) There’s so much I remember and I feel like the same person that I think I know as me but what if that isn’t me and everyone isn’t telling me? Those are the ideas that go through my head on the daily. So, thank you, for telling me that. Without me asking. I needed to hear it.
( mssg » sam | sent ) Yes, you can be honest. ( mssg » sam | sent ) Hey, Sam? You can’t possibly blow this. From what I know about you? You’re an sweet, kind person who doesn’t mind being patient enough with me to sit up at an ungodly hour and talk to me so I’m not lonely. You’re funny. You made me laugh until I couldn’t breath a dozen times or more. Please stop worrying. Put that thought as far out of your head as you possibly can and.. ( mssg » sam | sent ) Be with me. Be my friend. Be here? Be yourself. I want to know you. That’s the cakewalk part. Don’t make it difficult for you. Let it be as easy as it was the first time? We’re gonna be fine.
( mssg » sam | sent ) Don’t worry about the typos. I might make a few here and there, too. It’s late. Okay. Let’s start with question number one. If you and I knew each other? That means you left because you weren’t at Dalton until now. Where did you go? Or were you from my old school and just transferred?
Okay yeah. It wasn’t the smartest idea to get drunk, but he hadn’t started with the goal in mind. Hell, it was even LESS smart to get plastered on a school night but one thing lead to another and… Why did it even matter? The cool thing about looking up at the stars? Well, it usually made his problems seem not so big, and remind him that there were SO many more things out there. Planets, stars, galaxies, aliens, parallel universes, black holes, just… All of it. But tonight, every time he looked up at the stars, it just reminded him of Blaine. Of all the times they’d slip out here with an iPod, some snacks, and… Each other. Sometimes they had nothing but themselves, sometimes they’d come prepared with a blanket or a pizza. God, why did that even matter?
Every stupid thought came back to Blaine. And more importantly the reason they couldn’t be together. For the good of Kurt. Every time he thought of it, he felt a little more bitter. At first that hadn’t been the case, but bitterness was a sign of jealousy and jealousy was a sign he cared. At least that’s what his mom’s Women Magazine said, or was it the YahooAsk he’d pulled up? Didn’t matter now. Sam huffed, shaking his head in disbelief at his phone, an audible ‘Pfft’, “Trust isn’t the issue, Blaine.” He muttered to himself, though at this point issues were going to have issues, but the source of them all boiled down to the same thing.
“There’s nothing I woul
—
“ Sam jumped, hand shooting out from his side and knocking over the half full bottle of ABSOLUT, which rolled before falling to the grass with a slosh and thud. “JESUS
—” His phone, in the commotion had flown out of his hand and flew into the dewy grass, and said hand was now over his heart as his chest heaved. “Blaine, GOD, warn me next time.” He hadn’t even finished reading his texts and just.. “You planned that?!” Maybe it was the primarily silent park, or the fact he’d been alone UNDISTURBED, for over an hour that the appearance of the other caught him off guard, but it had taken Sam to the next level. Half stunned, half locked in an attempted Ninja reflex…
Shaking off what just happened didn’t come easy as he replanted himself, letting his elbows rest on his knees as his hands pushed over his face and through his hair, calming himself down with a sigh. The bright side was the flame that burned bright with anger had it’s passion misplaced in the moment of surprise, though for how long was the question. Sam’s breaths were heavy as he watched Blaine sit beside him, unfortunately having no idea what the other had just said in his panic. “I literally could have just killed you.” None of that was true considering he’d been about to end up in a tangle on the ground two seconds prior had he not caught himself. “Dude.”
Which sounded an awful lot like fuck.
“Dalton doesn’t solve anything.” Putting another band-aid on top of one that already wasn’t working didn’t seem like a positive, but instead a double negative. “What good is that gonna do? We’re still gonna be here.” Sam huffed, looking down at Blaine disbelieving how he couldn’t see the full picture. Moving up off the table, he stepped down beside Blaine, then hopped off in what was supposed to be a graceful escape. The unfortunate thing was the alcohol had it’s own ideas of graceful, and Sam purely stumbled into a wobbled dismount with a bit too much speed. He turned back to Blaine, arms spanned out at his sides ready to do the talking for him should his words fail. “Do you know how hard it is looking at you, knowing it should be us? I see you and Kurt doing all these things we should be doin’ and it’s like, you don’t even care that you’re missing out on it because you’re only half in. Like, what’s it matter, you know?”
The hurt played out without inhibitions as Sam drunkenly explained himself, though the confidence that accompanied every word was because it very much stemmed from sober thoughts. “Like, you still get to have that with Kurt. But hey, if it doesn’t work out with him, I’m here like his understudy.” His role in the entire situation had only made that sentiment stick. “And it sucks Blaine, cause I look at you and I’m pretty sure I see my freaking soulmate, but if you don’t see that too, what am I doing? I can’t make you pick me. I can’t make you even want to pick me. Like, just tell me that’s it, tell me that you don’t want me, just tell me something that makes sense.” The last bit sounded like an actual plea in which you could hear the ache within his heart.
Blaine gave Sam all the time he needed to recover from the way he startled him just walking up out of the dark like that. Hindsight kicking in? Maybe he should have warned him he was there but he didn’t want to risk Sam leaving if he could out. Then he’d be back at square one and even if they were going to be out way too late to make it to school the next day? He’d rather not spend another hour driving through Lima trying to spot a drunk Sam wandering around in the middle of the street. Sneaking up was the best option once all possible outcomes were considered. Paranoid, over the top ones or not. Scaring Sam was the most manageable one.
Telling Sam the only thing he could think of that would make this situation a tiny bit more bearable might’ve been a mistake. Sam was quick to point out everything wrong with the notion. While, unknowingly, saying why it was something for the best. Their situation wouldn’t go away. But at least? “It’s not going to erase our problems. I’m not saying it will. I’m not an idiot.” Even if he felt like the biggest one right now? Deep down, he refused to be thought of as someone who couldn’t wrap his brain around the big picture. Not by Sam. Or anyone.
Snapping his attention up at the movement beside him only to practically bolt up when Sam looked like he was going to bite it–Blaine’s muscles tensed and he was halfway off the bench before he saw Sam was steady on his feet (steady enough not to topple over anyway) and sat back down. Keeping his distance seemed like a good idea. Not that he didn’t trust Sam enough to be close to him. He only figured that being any closer would be yet one more thing to hurt the other with. “You just pointed out the reason why I should. Can’t you see that? Me going to McKinley every day is only hurting you worse because you have to see it. If I wasn’t there? At least it wouldn’t be in your face because obviously that’s a huge part of the problem. Not all of it. But a big one.
Reddening eyes and steepled brows followed the verbal slap in the face he, no doubt, rightfully deserved. Even if he had no clue that Sam would ever come back. That piecing things together and moving on was one of the hardest things he’d ever done? Sam was hurt and he was the one that did it. So, in Blaine’s book, taking whatever punches Sam needed to dish out was part of the guilt eating a hole inside of him. “Your not anyone’s understudy. Or a second choice or a back up or whatever you want to call it. Jesus, Sam. What kind of a person do you think I am?” Wrenching his pale knuckled grip free from the lip of the bench, Blaine palmed his mouth and wiped away several things on the tip of his tongue along with taking a pause to gather his thoughts.
Soulmates. He should do what Sam asked. Hurt him and tell him that he had no feelings for him whatsoever. Doing it might be the last snap of any possible relationship he might have with him. Friendship or something more. But? If he did? It’d cut Sam free. He could go be with Quinn or Rachel or whoever else scooped him up next. Sam would hate him but at least he wouldn’t ache for him anymore. The words were right there. Bullets loaded into the gun that’d kill whatever was left of them. Blaine’s finger was on the trigger. And it froze.
“I can’t.” He heard the reply in a voice he didn’t recognize as his own. It was way too high, way too pitched. Too broken. “I never thought I’d see you again. How was I supposed to know? How am I supposed to feel? Who am I supposed to hurt worse? Please, Sam? I don’t know what to do because either way? I’m going to ruin someone. I never wanted to hurt you or him or,” he couldn’t breathe in. His chest burned and the coppery taste of adrenaline flooded his mouth drowning out the rest with what, no doubt, was a quickly rising panicked confusion.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) signed up for it once and if i can be lucky enough to sign up for it twice? well thats like, the dream then lmao. and look as long as you’re just talking your head off and not idk, doin somethin real messed up with it you’re good lol ( mssg » blaine | sent ) Okay i used to think so too but stevie disagrees with you to the extreme right now. i think hes doing the puberty thing and is 2 cool for me, or gearing up to do it, idk. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) if people are judging your brain on other things are htey really the type of ppl you want in your life lmao? ok kidding but only kind of. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) No! it’s amazing blaine, seriously. idk just makes me happy and like you didnt have to even do this so its cool you did. lol i just thought that said ‘gavel gays’ my b. oh man thats not gonna like, threaten their honor or anything right? ( mssg » blaine | sent ) damn thats a good strategy, good plan, b. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) Haha, no pressure or nothin right? i haven’t sang in public for a real long time so i dunno we’ll see lol i’m happy to just watch you ( mssg » blaine | sent ) and the guys ofc. but you know what i meant lol. yeah ofc you can ask me anything like ever. always. and okay? yeah this is probably like the best i’ve been in a really long time lmao why do i not seem okay??? sorry im just excited i promise
( mssg » sam | sent )
I promise. If you’re willing to listen? I’ll only talk it off. Nothing in the ‘real messed up’ category.
( mssg » sam | sent ) Who is Stevie and why would he disagree? You make the world smile easy, Sam. I’m willing to bet that against a late blooming classmate any day. 🙂
( mssg » sam | sent ) Probably. Sorry. It was a joke about doctors and all that gross stuff that’s been going on for what feels like forever and a day now. My therapist says making jokes about the situation is a coping mechanism. Or a way to push my feelings aside and make people feel better. Which..what?? I, personally, think I spent way too long not laughing that it’s about time I let myself do it again. You know? That has to be healthier than constant seriousness and frustration.
( mssg » sam | sent ) Gavel gays? Oh God. LOL! ( mssg » sam | sent )
That may. Just a little. But! I think you’re safe from any duel challenges thanks to a slip of the tongue. Don’t worry. I have your back if anything happens.
( mssg » sam | sent ) No pressure. You don’t have to. I’m just saying if you get inspired to sing along? You’re more than welcome to join in. Either way is great. As long as you’re there. ( mssg » sam | sent ) You seem okay. Sure. I’m only worried that I make you nervous. I don’t want you to be nervous around me. As long as you’re good? I have a lot I’ve been wondering about that I was hoping you’d have some insight on.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) Oh man no, never. When in doubt send it out, thats my motto. well it is now. so simple, but so awesome. that is a favor i can literally do 24/7. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) okay that sounded creepy but i promise it wasnt creepy. i’m glad, gonna make that a daily record and work my way up. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) Those are all pretty good brain words too. Pretty sure it might be weird, but yours is still awesome. You still have the most important Star Wars facts, and all the real good Harry Potter books somewhere up there. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) You were thinking about me??. n Whao dude seriously? That’s amazing, i totally want more time to talk too! Yeah totally!1 Tomorrow is good. Yeah for sure, the gavel guys won’t mind if i come??? ( mssg » blaine | sent ) Yeah no that would be awesome sure. My scheudles CLEAR.
( mssg » sam | sent ) 24/7? Are you sure you understand what you are signing up for? I could be a complete insomniac who likes to talk his head off in the middle of the night and you’re blindly agreeing to it.
( mssg » sam | sent )
I think making someone smile comes effortlessly to you.
( mssg » sam | sent )
I have some great Star Wars facts up in there, sure. I haven’t thought too hard on Harry Potter but I can give it a go and see what comes to mind. Thank you for making it as simple as that to judge whether or not my brain is still awesome. I wish everyone could be convinced as simply.
( mssg » sam | sent )
Yes. Is it amazing like you said? Or strange? You can say it’s strange if it is. The gavel guys? Ha! They’ll forever be known as that now. Thanks. They will be fine if you come. I’ll tell them you’re giving us an outsider’s perspective on our performances before we test run them to the whole school.
( mssg » sam | sent )
Great! You’re coming to practice tomorrow. You can even sing along if you know the songs. We can make you an honorary Warbler.
( mssg » sam | sent )
Sam? Can I ask you a few things? First… Are you okay?
pianokeysandbowties back up 