Sebastian didn’t want to be a thief here. He didn’t want to storm in uninvited and drop a bomb on Blaine. Barge in and say something that would affect them both for life even if neither one of them would admit it after this conversation. He knew how caring and compassionate Blaine was. He knew how hard this confession would hit him. The last thing he wished was for Blaine to feel bad for him. What would that make him? What was it making him now that he’d said the word love? That was the last of his intentions. All he had ever wanted to be was supportive of Blaine. Having Blaine carry memories of this every time he thinks about his wedding day would be so incredibly greedy. But damage had been done already. Today was Blaine and Kurt’s day. It was THEM who had always stuck by each others side. Them who stayed strong as a couple even when Sebastian came in between it back in the day, young and dumb trying to weasel his way in places he shouldn’t be. He may have been in the wrong before but sitting here with the love of his life right before he gets married to another man wasn’t what he wanted to be doing. But if he didn’t do this… what would he be? If he didn’t tell Blaine the truth, how would he be able to try and get over him? This HAD to happen eventually or Blaine’s face would forever be a reminder of his secret. Though now, as pain is aching deep into his mind, he feels Blaine’s face might instead be one he wouldn’t be seeing much more. Why would he ever want to see Sebastian again after this? Knowing that he’s just someone who is in love with him? This wasn’t fun and games anymore. Now? It was just rose thorns pricking fingers and blood being drawn. Fuck, he thought.
When Blaine stood up,chillsran up and down his back and arms. No. Fuck, he was coming closer. Sebastian was deep down begging for the closeness with all his might but he couldn’t accept it. No, no, no. Feeling his touch any more would only hurt the both of them. What if they were no longer going to be magnets for each other but a car crash instead? The way Blaine’s touch traveled so softly across Sebastian’s hairline and temple caused his tears to increase. He couldn’t HANDLE the touch, he couldn’t take it. It’s like his soul was nothing but butterfly wings. Trying to touch it would only be a mistake. Watery greens refused to look back at the golden ones right in front of him. A hand reached up to cover his face, he couldn’t show weakness. Not even after all these years. Not even after he had learned to show his feelings in front of Blaine. Right now was a reversal. He felt himself closing off again. The worst part about all of this was that it was not only hurting him – it was also hurting Blaine. That? That had always been his biggest FEAR. Never his intentions. Why was he letting himself be so greedy by confessing? Fuck this. ❝I never expect you to hurt him. Never. That…that’s not why I came here. Not to ruin anything.❞ he replies softly as his hand continues to hide his face. Sebastian buries his face down into his palm as he lowers his head down and tries to stop crying ❝Please NEVER tell me you’re sorry, Blaine. Never apologize for this. You and Kurt deserve to be so happy..❞ Words muffle against his hiding place and he just wants to take back confessing what he did. When Blaine corrected do to DID? That was what stung the worst. ❝You didn’t hurt me —— I hurt myself from letting myself be an idiot.❞
Just like that, he was blocked out of Sebastian’s view by Sebastian himself. Unable to look at him, his best friend hid away and sobbed into his hands while his fingers were still right there next to Sebastian’s left eye..well..now his pointer finger. He felt sick. An increasing twist of his stomach that sank into nausea. What was he thinking about inviting Sebastian here? What stupid impulse was it to approach him to beg for his help with the engagement? Let alone ask him to be there for the day the wedding happened? Blaine knew he was oblivious about many things. Some he pretended to be so clueless that, occasionally, he even believed what he was hiding from under the mask of unaware he often wore when he couldn’t face what was standing right in front of him. When the COURAGE that he preached to anyone struggling was so far out of reach that he couldn’t see a speck of it. Let alone not be an absolute hypocrite and not practice his own gospel. He knew Sebastian loved him. He knew he loved Sebastian. The parts of them that connected ran deep. Through skin and bone and blood and breath into a place where only Sebastian and he could ever tread together because they were the only ones who trusted each other enough to open the doors to the basements where they hid their darkest thoughts. And invite the other one in.
They were bound together deeper than Kurt or Trent or Tina or Hunter could ever know. Because none of them, and it drove a knife into Blaine’s chest to think it considering his groom-to-be’s wedding band was on the dressing table they were beside, would ever understand. Everyone they knew was beginning to filter into the building waiting for the moment where he’d slip it on a pale finger that wasn’t the one he now covered with the pad of his thumb trying to nudge Sebastian’s hand down.
“Please look at me, please, please don’t hide..,” he plead through the cracks in his voice in a pitch that was broken and lost. “I’m so sorry and I’m allowed to be. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry I love him and the one thing I should be the most sorry about is the fact that I love you so much, Sebastian. I always did. I always will…” Tears that he managed to hold back because he didn’t feel like he deserved them started to fall. He knew once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop. And here was the breaking point. Crumbled and gone and turning back wasn’t possible. “But I’m not sorry about caring for you. I’m not sorry that I let you see me the way you saw me. I’m not sorry that I have someone who guides me through the hallways in my head that I’m terrified to go down..and I’m not sorry that I need you even after today.” Blaine’s grip grew firm. All five fingers wrapped around Sebastian’s hand and he pulled it down using all of his strength to do it if he had to. Tears streaking his face, he lifted up without a hesitation and.. Lips pressed to Sebastian’s cheek and as his entire frame shook with a gasp, he kissed a path up the lines of the taller man’s tears until he was on his toes and his mouth ghosted the corner of Sebastian’s eye dotting his temple with the words that he couldn’t stop spewing in a blabbering whisper. “I never wanted to hurt you and I knew I was going to. I knew this was going to hurt so much..and you can hate me. You should hate me. I don’t deserve you. Remember? I told you that and you didn’t believe me. You thought I was being humble but I was only being honest. I don’t deserve you but I desperately need you and what does that say about me? Please don’t go.. Because I’m terrified I’ll never see you again..”
( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) I’ll make sure to bring my charm. ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) You always get so bashful when I use it, killer..
( mssg » sebastian | sent ) Is it even possible for you to leave your house without it? I don’t think so. ( mssg » sebastian | sent ) …I do not. No idea what you’re talking about at all, Sebastian..
Of course he’d hate it. He knew Blaine was going to hate it. Sebastian was usually blunt and straight to the point even with Blaine who could react quite badly, but for fucks sake he had to lie about this outfit being hotter. It was a stupid white lie so that he’d wear it without a fit but it seems Blaine has seen through the bullshit once again. Of course the thing was hideous but Blaine had agreed to do this fashion show. If he wasn’t going to do it the right way than what the hell was he going to tell the designer? Sebastian feels the headache coming on from just thinking about the mess alone that is Blaine having a diva meltdown and him having to go talk to her.
Green hues having a fed up glare in them, he hangs the outfit on the small silver rack of clothing and rolls his eyes. Why, despite his behavior, did Sebastian always want to continue pleasing him and assisting him? He could quit right now if he wanted but the thing is – he didn’t want to! It was a confusing mental war he had with himself every day. Plus of course he needed the money. Finally, arms cross against his chest and he raises an eyebrow. ❝But it was made custom for you. She can’t just put it on a fucking model and call it good. This is a fashion show, Mr. Anderson — to showcase her WORK. You’ve signed a contract agreeing to go out there wearing her clothes so its probably a good idea to wear the damn thing even if she did change it last minute.❞
Blaine can feel his pulse picking up the longer Sebastian insists that he put on the hot mess hanging from his hand. There was absolutely no amount of begging and pleading or going the opposite route with trying to use some tough love or logic that was going to change his mind. The press would have a field day with comments about what he looked like. His fans will think he’s on drugs or had some sort of mental fashion breakdown. AND that barely touches on the thousands of comments that will be waiting for him all over social media. Not that he cares what people say… Not at all. Oh God, he does Read one horrible review of yourself and you’ll never want to do it again. Or you’ll become something else to make sure that feeling never repeats itself.
Sebastian is doing his best to convince him to commit career suicide (okay, he’ll still wake up famous tomorrow but he’s getting worked up and this is getting worse by the minute) and he isn’t having anything of it. Long, thin fingers snap up with his palm facing his assistant. Both brows freeze in place as high up on his forehead as they can. Fire blazes behind his golden hazel eyes and ALLLL over his face is one word. N o. “If you bring that thing closer, I swear to God, I’ll find some scissors and turn that back into the Kleenex it was obviously made out of.” His fingers curl towards his palm and then both hands twist into tight fists shoved against hip bones barely covered by the waistband of his leather pants and belt. “Go tell her to find a model. Throw it in the trash where it belongs. Or…,” he decides..even better, “If she wants her entertainment to stick around and not tell her to go to hell? Don’t ask them to publically humiliate themselves or..they–aka I–am out of this hell.” And now we are entering Code Red. So says the tell tale biting of his bottom lip that warns..this is about to get even more UGLY.
( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) I don’t usually wear anything when I sleep. ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) So I guess I can pack lightly, can’t I? ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) Lol. Only kidding. ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) Or am I??
( mssg » sebastian | sent ) I..um ( mssg » sebastian | sent ) Something tells me you weren’t actually kidding around. ( mssg » sebastian | sent )
I don’t know what! Call it a hunch. ( mssg » sebastian | sent )
But I, definitely, don’t think you were kidding.
( mssg » sebastian | sent ) Changing the subject in a very obvious manner! Other than the courvoisier for the coffee.. Bring whatever else you think you need?
Why is it that Blaine could make him into… this? A speechless mess. So unlike what he puts out into the world everyday. What he allowed others to see and witness. This wasn’t it. For Blaine Anderson? Sebastian was so soft. A simple stare and he was getting LOST in hazel eyes. It had been difficultly frustrating to try and accept what he felt, because it added confusion into the mix. Confusion on why every little text message had him running to check his phone. Confusion on why he had so many DREAMS about what they could never be. Even daydreams in mid-conversation like the ones that had just happened. It came down to EVERYTHING that Blaine was. Everything he DID. Sebastian was a fool for it. Shame on him. The boy who seems like he’s in control of everything is so very SKITTISH to the mere thought of Blaine noticing that he had more than just eyes for his physical self.
He didn’t want the world to see him. But sometimes– just sometimes– Blaine managed to see what most couldn’t. Over time it hadn’t come to always seem like such a bad thought. Thankful that the subject is changed, eyes fill with sudden EXCITEMENT for the idea of hanging out and his grin goes from stupid and loose to his usual sharp and witty self. ❝Busy? Oh, please. You know I’m never too busy for you, killer.❞ he insists lightly with a brow raise, coffee in the grip of his left hand. ❝We could hit up Scandals tonight. Come over to my place first? Father’s out all night.. And if you need a place to crash AFTERWARDS I have a bed that fits the both of us – or you can pick from about four meaningless guest rooms that never come into use.❞
When the quiet lingered in those few seconds before Sebastian’s entire posture shifted back into the boy who he broadcasted for the world to see, Blaine was–finally–able to take in a real breath. Even then, his mouth was too dry to swallow and, thank God, his coffee was there to help. Sebastian had more of an effect on him than he realized (or did he and was only kind enough not to bring it up..?) and this time, it was no different. It’s that stare. That stare hones in on him and brings an intensity that makes him feel like every thought he has is under a microscope. That Sebastian sees him for everything that he is and all the good, bad and uneven parts that he out of habit locks away should they turn in the direction of the person Blaine tries to be..can’t be hidden or put under lock and key.
Sebastian sees him. And, yet, he stays. Blaine knows Sebastian is in his orbit. Willingly pulled in and lacking any want to break free. Sometimes Blaine doesn’t understand why or how but that doesn’t change the fact that he is. Though, he figures that Sebastian has no idea that he is in his. Especially when he steals all his gravity with the weight of that knowing look that says ‘I’ve read every page of who you are..and the chapters you’ve cut out, crumpled up and thrown away are the ones that pull me back. Cover to cover. Every time.’. It’s terrifying and comforting to have someone who wants him for himself. Someone that makes deciding to go out to a shady bar and polishes it off with a not so vague innuendo of sharing a bed together at the end of the night a stop and stare think moment. Passing his blush off with a lopsided grin that makes his bottom lip touch the hole in the plastic mouthpiece of his cup, Blaine takes one more sip and lowers it down with a smirk firmly in place. “Then maybe tonight..one of them won’t be so useless. I’d hate to impose. Weren’t you just telling me the other day that sleeping anything other than naked is a crime against humanity? I don’t want you to compromise your beliefs just for the sake of not sleeping alone..” Another grin that dissolves into a huff of a laugh and Blaine palms his face trying to get the heat to calm down since the coffee wasn’t helping much.
( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) What can I say, Blaine? My phone must be trying to tell us something, so it seems. ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) I can bring some courvoisier. You’ll fall in love with it. Add some into your coffee and suddenly you’re getting both an energy boost and a buzz.
( mssg » sebastian | sent ) Hmm. I wonder what that could be, Sebastian. ( mssg » sebastian | sent ) Wait. Don’t answer that. I realized my error sending that as soon as the bubble appeared on my screen.
😶
( mssg » sebastian | sent ) Great! I look forward to finding out if how much you rave about it is true or not. I could use a bit of both, too. So that works out perfect. ( mssg » sebastian | sent )
You could bring something to sleep in, too. So you can drink and not worry about driving. Or I’m sure Cooper has clothes here that will fit you if you decide to do that later. Whatever you’d like!
❝Its barely nighttime, killer—❞ he rolls emerald eyes at Blaine both softly and playfully before a brow raises, a hand on the wheel. It was a lie, what he claims. It already WAS night. Past it. But to Sebastian, it was barely night. Why? Because when he was with Blaine, time didn’t matter. It vanished. Hours of the day. No. They were suddenly insignificant. Sebastian spent so much of his time stressing about making the MOST out of his life. Doing crazy, stupid things just so he doesn’t waste it. So he can have that rush. Succeeding more than everyone along the way. But not in these times. It was just hazel eyes and soft spoken words. Lingering stares and hands brushing ‘accidentally’. Sebastian knew he didn’t talk about his personal or home life ever with Blaine, really. Little casual brushing off kind of answers before he’s going back to filling Blaine with flirty compliments or bringing up something that happened at his last lacrosse game. But he knew that the question as to why Sebastian had been driving around out of his home at night wouldn’t be one they pondered on. When they were together, they had fun. It was special. Was that the word?
Sebastian sometimes thinks Blaine knows that he CLEARLY isn’t fond of talking about things like his family or his home. That the fact is quite see through. The hints had been dropped before as to why he wouldn’t want to. Anytime Blaine had come over it had been an empty mansion with only Sebastian in it. No warmth or home cooked meals. It was huge and cold. Quiet. Only filled with the music that Sebastian blasted throughout it. He knew he wouldn’t be judged for that. Blaine has the same kind of home life from what he’d picked up on. Always alone. Sebastian doesn’t notice but he’s clenching onto the wheel tighter than he knows. It’s always like that when he first sees Blaine. It takes a moment to CALM the way his stomach reacts. A feeling he would forever refuse to believe are the classic ‘butterflies’. As Blaine speaks he’s shooing them away as he tries his best to keep a smug smile and calmed features, not wanting to let the other know how NERVOUS he got around him at first. A fool. Yet? He couldn’t get enough of it even if he tried to distance himself from clinging onto being around Blaine so much. ❝—-I’m down, no second thoughts about it. We’re so going. Wanna give me some directions to his mysterious place?❞
“Okay, okay. I stand corrected. We have all the time in the world.” Blaine seems oblivious as always to the white knuckle grip Sebastian has on the steering wheel. Or the reason for it in the first place. But.. His hand covering Sebastian’s doesn’t pull away either. In fact, the edge of his thumb traces a light circle around the knuckle it rests on. Mindlessly picking up a pattern that’s slow and reassuring, to maybe just himself, that they aren’t alone anymore. At least for tonight, they have each other. A soothing warmth fills his bones, melts the tenseness that a lonely house started to make his muscles ache with and he curls up a little tighter and snuggles into the blanket as the noise of his shoes hitting the floor comes in two dull thuds. This is how they work. No one sees them like this. No one knows how deep their friendship goes. Past shamelessly unabashed flirting from Sebastian in public. Or how he manages to get Blaine tongue-tied in a matter of a smirky stare even when no one’s watching. No one sees that when things get quiet between them? They become something else. Blaine doesn’t know the word for it. Might not ever figure it out. But it’s something he could never chance losing and so, he plays things so careful sometimes. For Sebastian and for him and for their whatever they are he can’t ever picture going without on nights like this.
Not once looking away from his friend’s beautifully sharp profile. Just in case Sebastian looks his way, he wants him to know he has his full attention. It’s a route he’s driven so much on his own that he knows the scenery by heart now. “It’s easy to find. Just go down my street until you have to make a u-turn or go onto the dirt road. Just keep going. No one is at the house we’ll pass by. I think it’s someone’s second home. Anyway, I probably won’t have to tell you when we’re finally there. I’m sure you’ll notice,” he slowly grins and it lingers in the mischievous sparkle inside his eyes, “Mysterious. I know. Before you pick on me? It’s only because I don’t want to ruin the surprise.” His temple rests on the curved, leather edge of his seat and now that they are in fifth gear and he has a good twenty minutes before they have to shift down? Sebastian’s hand is lifted up, pulled over and held in Blaine’s lap because he’s greedy enough to want it there and comfortable enough to indulge himself. Caution aside. “Until we get there.. Got anything on your mind you need to talk about? If not..that’s okay. I just thought I’d ask, you know?”
( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) Not specifically. Are you hungry?? I just wanted to offer my kindness as a guest. Bring something for when we hang out. ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) Like a condom. ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) Some food*** ( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) Damn. Auto-correct blows.
( mssg » sebastian | sent ) How about you show me what all the hype is about courvoisier and coffee by bringing some? My father’s more of the scotch and brandy sort of guy. We never have that in the house. I’ve been curious to try it since you keep lamenting on how wonderful it is. ( mssg » sebastian | sent ) I..uh.. ( mssg » sebastian | sent ) Did you just? ( mssg » sebastian | sent ) You know food and condom aren’t close enough for autocorrect in the slightest…right?
There was no explanation that came with what was happening, no drop of water or thunder noises before the storm. All of the sudden he was just… here. At Dalton. Tears were being let out right in front of the boy that claimed he knew no emotion. But when he saw Blaine cry, he felt that pain deep inside of him. It wasn’t numbness, it was becoming IN SYNC with what the other was laying out in front of him. The look on his face and the glaze of tears on hazel eyes cut somewhere deep in Sebastian. An instinct to protect him. That was an instinct he had never felt with anyone in the whole world besides back when he was a child and he was extremely protective of his mother. For Blaine to come without a warning and break down in front of him at Dalton was something that left him lost for words. Just the two of them alone. Picking up the pieces quickly as possible on how to comfort him. All he wanted to do was hold him, kiss him, and tell him it was going to be okay. But what kind of FALSE HOPE was that when he didn’t know what was wrong? Maybe it wasn’t okay.
What would kissing someone who wasn’t his do? Nothing.
Blaine had a dark side only Sebastian saw because he chose to. He could see what others couldn’t.
Swallowing hard, eyebrows push together as he looks at Blaine who is crying his eyes out. No. No, no, no. Why Blaine? He was too good to cry. Blaine deserved BETTER and whatever or whoever was causing him to cry rivers deserved to be crushed or banished out of the ex-Warbler’s life. If there was one person Sebastian never wanted to see so sad, it was Blaine Anderson. As they sat in Sebastian’s dorm, facing each other on his bed, an arm extends out to place on Blaine’s shoulder. Eyes glance off to a clean T-shirt out of Sebastian’s laundry basket that he had left on the edge of his bed and he scoots closer before he brings the fabric to Blaine’s eyes to wipe wetness from his face. Greens LOCK on hazels. ❝Blaine? You don’t have to tell me what happened. Don’t have to tell me whats wrong. No questions asked. Just promise me you’ll stick around until I know you’re better than when you got here.❞
Dalton was his safe haven. Maybe always will be. In spite of it being the same one that he left behind because his heart belonged to someone who became his home in a completely different way. Kurt was his center. His anchor that kept him steady. Yet, there were times where he would come here to the place that was his ship that kept him from sinking when the waters got too deep, too pitch blackish blue and dark risking dragging the person he loved into the inky depths with him. So he came here. Always. Unannounced and lovingly welcomed regardless of how impromptu his visits were. His first return back was intimidating. A buzz in the back of his head told him that he might be asking too much of the boys who wished him all the best and swore they would always be his brothers as they watched him go with tears in their eyes and smiles on their lips that weren’t quite bright enough to feel real. And every time he walked back through these doors? Their eyes lit up. Their smiles became wide and hopeful. That maybe this time he’d stay. He never did. Because someone was waiting for him. Someone he loves more than anything regardless of not seeking him out for comfort the times when Dalton, and now, Dalton and Sebastian were the only ones who could truly understand what this felt like.
By the time he’s face to face with his rightfully confused friend–the tears he forced dry as he walked down the hall return with a vengeance. They sting and burn his eyes and make his stomach sink with guilt for letting them come out and causing Sebastian more worry. Sebastian is there, like always, ushering him in and sitting him down and stays close. Where Blaine needs him to be. The reason why is the reason he’s here and not with Kurt. Because people like him and Sebastian? And the families they come from? No one really gets it unless they feel it first hand. An endless amount of freedom that most teenagers would be so jealous of and the bottomless credit cards to go with it don’t make up for nights spent alone. For missed dinners. For barely there phone calls to say congratulations. Or that sinking feeling you get when they do happen and you know you just aren’t—-. Blaine meets Sebastian’s concerned stare after a grateful nod for wiping his face dry. “I can never be enough,” and he melts against Sebastian’s side turning his gaze towards the ceiling to ward off more tears so he wouldn’t ruin his effort to wipe them away. “I can never be enough for him.” They both use the same tone when bringing up their fathers. The one that says they’re hurting even if they’re pretending that’s not the case. The one that holds out hope they swear they’ve given up on. “I never will be. Nothing I do..,” he falls into a quiet exasperation, shaking his head and looking back up into Sebastian’s eyes.
That I AM pure and innocent all the time and you just have some bad judgement floating around in that superior-level mind of yours.
( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent )
Except when it comes to me of course. You invited me over and that’s pretty good judgement if I’d ever seen it.
( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) So… what should I bring when I head over?
( mssg » sebastian |sent ) I think you’re layering it on a little thick. Don’t you? Come on now. Pure and innocent? Um.. Not even a tiny bit.. ( mssg » sebastian |sent ) Is it now? I hope you’re right. I’d hate to think it was bad judgement on my part. 🙂 ( mssg » sebastian |sent ) Just yourself and your company. Unless you have something you’d want to bring?
( mssg » killer 🍑 | sent ) What can I say, Blaine? My phone must be trying to tell us something, so it seems. 
pianokeysandbowties back up 