Sebastian scoffed, and rolled eyes, though his lips were curled in humor. “If you don’t know how saying shit like ‘we have to talk’, and ‘can i ask you something?’ is creepy, then I can’t help you, my friend.” He shook his head. “A deal’s a deal.” He shrugged when Blaine said he’d been creepy in turn, brushing his eyes to make sure they were clean as he opened them again with a sleepy frown, getting another large bite on his eclair and sighing when the heavenly beep of his coffee machine being done, echoed in the tiles. “Finally.” He bit his lip softly at the way it felt when Blaine’s hand slipped from his knee, but smelled the coffee in and let himself relish on the fact that very soon he’d be sipping on something warm and comforting to help give his strained muscles some energy and improve his pounding head. “Really should’ve got a new hungover aid kit.” He mumbled. What a day to run out of advil.
“But boxed deliciousness have everything a man needs for a healthy meal.” He pointed out, eyebrows risen, gesturing and eating as he explained. “It’s got cream, milk, eggs, you could say bread, it’s practically a whole breakfast in itself, not to say you could consider them big stuffed sausages.” He smiled, poking Blaine back as he poked him about his empty pantry. “My fridge’s very well stoked, thank you very much.” Said fridge had in it frozen pizza, some yogurt he used to take before his run, and a couple of boxes of take out from the day before. “There’s fresh Italian.” Sebastian was surprised when Blaine not only brought him coffee, but brought it ready to go. He didn’t think he’d remember. He took the mug gratefully taking a long hard sip and sighing into the warm steam, feeling it soothe the ache in his brain. He hummed at Blaine’s comment but didn’t answer, unsure of what to even say. He knew Blaine worried about him because well, he was BLAINE, not for any other special reason. That chance he’d got and lost a long time ago. “Mmh?” He asked, already half forgetting Blaine had had something to ask at all. He raised eyes at him, and pressed eyebrows for a moment, wondering where Blaine was going with it.
He swallowed at Blaine’s pause, trying to understand what was taking the boy so long to say it. His eyes lingered on Blaine’s lips as they kept still, the mug cooling in his hand, forgotten. When he finally said it, Sebastian stirred, before straightening himself at how serious Blaine looked. “Is that what you wanted to ask me?” He asked, confused. Had he done something awful? Had he been inappropriate? He licked his lips nervously. “Did I do something?” There was something. Something inside him that kept him glancing at Blaine’s lips and he screwed his eyebrows as he wasn’t sure WHY.
“If that’s what you call that? You need a refresher on what a balanced diet is but–.. That’s a start. Coffee’s not a real food, yeah, but it should be and I’ll let it be enough for now,” his chin inclined towards the coffee while mulling over his question and trying to erase the sudden uncomfortable silence during the awkward moments of him asking it and Sebastian letting the words sink in. If the room fell quiet for a second? Blaine was afraid he’d back out of there before Sebastian had a chance to get one word out. Let alone give the question the reply it deserved. Whether Blaine regretted asking it or not. Sweaty palms cupped his own mug thankful for the chance that the heat might dry them before they got worse. A thundering heart probably didn’t need the caffeine but he was grateful it was there. If for no other reason than to serve the purpose of drowning himself in it if the next five minutes blew up in his face.
The green inside Sebastian’s eyes was always one of Blaine’s secret favorite shades of the color. Too far past any sort of amicable friendzone they were in to bring it up—ever—Blaine stared at the strange mix of light forest and emerald greens blended together. The olive tone of his skin bled out of his knuckles as he squeezed the poor mug harder. “Yeah–I mean–I guess I did,” he wasn’t sure how low his voice could ever get before he heard it reverberate inside his ears. Was that a whisper? Or a breath of a sentence that you just say and hope the other one doesn’t hear? Either way–he watched how Sebastian’s attention kept moving over his face. A subtle switch of attention watchful eyes caught. Because that’s how Blaine worked. He could be clueless and miss a lot of things that were aimed at him. But when it really mattered? When he was the one that was hinging on something he did? Or noticed? Or needed to know? Then, he rarely missed a thing about the person subjected to his watchful scrutiny. Years of being around people (including himself) who were quick to cover up what was really going because they were too afraid to voice it and his needing to make the root cause better honed the skill of empathy seeded in him ages ago into the exact look that Sebastian was under.
Sebastian didn’t remember. The muscles in his throat struggled visibly to swallow the previous night never once stopped being a blur to his friend. Not even for that. “Oh–oh.” Thick, black eyelashes fluttered and Blaine stuttered a breath or two. Or four. “No. No. You didn’t do anything. I mean–you were really drunk and it was amusingly messy getting you home but no.” Blaine and lying blended about as gracefully as oil and water but you couldn’t blame him for trying. A knee jerk reaction to the idea that maybe it was better this way. Maybe if Sebastian forgot? Then he was meant to forget. What would it to to them if he found out? Probably just make things distant between them again. Or break them away from each other for good. Unable to really look Sebastian in the eye until he glued together his blabbering brain–Blaine jerkily moved to fill an already full coffee cup with a refill he didn’t need. “Sorry. I don’t know where I was going witht hat. I forgot.”
“Shhh. Killer. It’s okay.” Sebastian had no fucking idea what to do, other than to keep holding him. What could he do? What could he answer to that? “You were lonely, Blaine.” He offered, awkwardly, as he kept running his hand up and down his back. “I know you didn’t mean it.” Or at least he had to believe that. Not only because it was what made Blaine, BLAINE, and what had so much attracted him at first, but because if he let himself think about Blaine actually planning to cheat on Kurt with someone else, well, he better not. He tried to focus on knowing how it felt to fuck up, instead, and how he could help Blaine feel better about it. “At least you told him, that’s something, right?” He asked, unsure of what was really best as he’d never been on that end of a relationship. Or in a relationship, honestly. He held him tighter. This was actually the first time he was ever allowed to hold Blaine like that, and he was slowly starting to realize it. They’d hugged, before the proposal fiasco, but it’d been quick and Blaine hadn’t been abandoned on his arms like that.
Sebastian could feel how Blaine was almost shaking against him and it broke the heart most people didn’t think he had. Why was it that after all this time, to see Blaine hurt him like that, hurt him this much? It shouldn’t make as much sense as it did. He kept holding Blaine until he started to come down from his panic, and relax even if slowly, in his arms. Sebastian hadn’t noticed how thinner he looked until Blaine pulled back and he got to actually look him on the face properly. He shook his head. “It’s fine killer. Just wait here for a minute, I’m gonna get you some water, alright? Bathroom’s to the right if you want it.” He pointed out, nodding towards the bathroom door, before gently detaching from Blaine, and getting up. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned back around to him. “Don’t go anywhere.” He asked, again, before making his way upstairs, quickly. He hoped Blaine would listen to him, but he put it off his mind for a moment, as he made it to his bedroom. The guy he’d been sleeping with was still knocked out on his bed and Sebastian patted his ankle as he started to gather up his things. “Wake up, sexy. I need you out.” He patted him again as the boy started to grumble and threw the boy’s phone and wallet besides him. “I’ve got a friend over, time to go.” He said, as the other finally looked up at him, frowning. He shrugged. “Can always find me by the bar again.” He told him, before leaving, the door open as he passed through it so he could make his way downstairs again, to the kitchen this time, to get Blaine some water.
“Let me know if you want something stronger.” He said, as he walked back into the living room, a glass of cold water in hand, hoping to find Blaine in the couch.
“Nothing’s okay,” he slowly shook his head and balled up one fist to try some useless attempt at drying his face. “Nothing’s fine and nothing’s okay. I’m not sure if anything will ever be OKAY again.” A shift of positions and Sebastian stood up from the couch–watery hazel eyes blinked clear after a few tries. Blaine watched as Sebastian disappeared out of the room. A quiet groan parted his lips as both elbows were pressed against his upper thighs. Palms cupped the top of his head and he stared between his bended knees at the floor wondering why the hell he thought it was okay to do this to Sebastian. Of all people. Sebastian was his friend, yes. But he knew their history–one that never was, yet was so so close to being something much different–and knew that coming here to break down over making the biggest mistake of his life with someone else was probably akin to a slap in the face. He might be thick about a lot of things that pass him by. Blaine knows that about himself. Not even he could miss where this might be unfair for him to rely on Sebastian to get him through this. Not might be. It was. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to get up and leave. Even if the thought quickly crossed his mind while he sat there waiting.
Hearing the other drawing close again–Blaine straightened up. If that’s what you could call it. More like folded into himself while pretending he was sitting fully upright. Limbs moved–wrapped around his middle–and he reached for the water with a look of gratitude. “Thank you.” The other hand wrapped gently–so careful that it seemed Blaine thought Sebastian was made from hollow bones that were far too delicate and could break at the slightest touch. He didn’t want him leaving again. Not with the thoughts in his head being plugged up by the other’s presence. He didn’t want them flooding back in. “Please sit down,” he begged up at him–red faced and eyebrows lifted like he could beckon him in with the expression alone. “Sit down and don’t go. Water’s fine. I’m not sure if anything harder’s a good idea. Not LIKE THIS.” What was he supposed to say from here? I know I messed up. I ruined everything. I’ll never be the same again. Neither will he. And it’s all my fault. The words were on the tip of his tongue but he bit them back and swallowed the aftertaste with more water. “It’s all..over. I think. I’m not sure. But. I think so..” And there came the caving in of his chest again. A buckling of his belly and he sat the glass on the table near the couch before palming at his face to hide the crease forming between his brows. Couple of tattered deep breaths later–his fingers dropped with his gaze into his lap.
“I’m sorry… I don’t know why I thought laying this on you was a good idea,” he apologizes because that’s how he’s wired. “You’re just–the only one who I wanted to go to.”
Sebastian would rather Blaine didn’t ask anything at all. What COULD he say, anyway? You’re why. It wasn’t exactly Blaine’s fault. It’d never been his fault that Sebastian had just so STUPIDLY ──── No. It was a lot easier to forget it on the cock of some hot stranger, and when that didn’t cut it, on a succession of tequila shots. He couldn’t answer why he’d called Blaine, if he tried. He didn’t know why. Why would he torture himself that much? He’d always liked a little pain but that was just SAD. In a circus freak way. And he’d never pegged himself for that much of a masochist. That was always the thing, wasn’t it? Sebastian did always find someone, but that someone was never BLAINE, no matter how close he tried to cut it. No matter how much he searched for the little things on every attractive drunk stranger that crossed his way. The way he’d FELT ( and fuck him if he didn’t hate the word ) when he first set eyes on Blaine, he’d never been able to replicate. There wasn’t enough pot in the world to make him go that high it seemed, so pushing it out of his head seemed like the best second alternative. Sebastian’s mind was empty at the moment, however, sense only really starting to wake up more as the smell of caffeine started to fill the place. He’d just closed fingers around his precious box and as Blaine finished setting the coffee up, he was settled on the counter. He blinked lazily and ran a hand through his hair with a short yawn, as he offered Blaine the box, and didn’t pay much attention as he also stuffed his mouth until the former warbler outright MOANED around the dessert. He snorted, but the humor was cut dry by the sudden touch on his knee. He glanced down at the hand on him, then up again, suddenly aware of how close Blaine’d got when he wasn’t paying attention.
Eyes finally gathering their usual piercing attention back, Blaine’s touch a lot more effective as wake up call than a whole pot of coffee. His lips curled slowly in an amused smile that tried to cover up the rest, smarmy nose. “It’s what I’D do anyways.” He shrugged. Blaine didn’t have to know he’d never share a single eclair in that box with anyone else in the first place. He picked a second one and placed the box besides himself on the counter, open in offer, getting a bite and raising his eyebrows at Blaine’s next words. “Creepy, killer. But sure. As long as I get a question in return.” His wink implied the essence of the question he wanted. Despite the default joking, though, something in Blaine’s hazel eyes stirred his already upset stomach, and he pursed his lips behind his eclair as he hoped coffee would be up soon.
“Creepy,” Blaine’s face screwed up in a look of confusion as he continued to eat his eclair making careful not that the box was sat aside. Thus became an open invitation to have another if he so chose. And–face it–he probably would if only just to prolong the moment where he would have to come out with the question he sought permission to ask in the first place. “How is that creepy? I have a question. That’s all. Maybe you’re just as creepy for saying you get a turn too. So there.” He mocked a scoff and scrunched his nose up at the sleepy guy on the countertop. Make no mistake–his tongue jutted out in last ditch albeit a childish protest that he was the creepy one. With one final steamy poof–the coffee was set and he finally stepped far enough away from Sebastian that his hand dropped to his side. Coffee. Ah coffee. Bless you, coffee. For only for being the most wonderful liquid in existence but for being done so he had something else to busy himself with other than taunting Sebastian. Fun as it was? Sebastian always taunted back and Blaine wasn’t awake enough for them to play on even turf yet. Unlike his hung-over friend on the countertop? Blaine had a sleep schedule most of the time and b arely getting any the night before was going to take a few cups of something highly caffeinated to let his brain catch up enough to be an equal contender to Sebastian Smythe.
“You know? This is an extremely amazing feat to pull off with you barely having anything inside your pantry. We should take you grocery shopping for breakfasts that don’t come out of boxes delicious as they are.” Taking care to scrounge the kitchen for ingredients that he always heard Sebastian put into his coffee–except the liquor, Sebastian had enough liquor last night–Blaine hummed as he polished off the simple cream and sugar he put in his own once Sebastian’s was finished. Returning back to stand beside a set of long legs dangling from the counter–Sebastian’s cup was offered to him as Blaine took a sip from his own looking up at him over the rim of his mug as he tested the flavor. The ceramic was barely apart from his lips as he murmured… “Sorry. Mother Mode activated–I guess.” He cringed inwardly. Procrastinating eloquently could only last so long before he ended up going into lecture mode. With a sigh–hazel eyes lowered their gaze towards the half disappeared dark brown contents of his cup. “Sebastian? I know you were pretty far gone when you called me and that’s fine as long as you’re being safe. But,” he squinted up at him trying to find the courage to just ask. What if it was all a blur and Sebastian forgot? Was it awful Blaine felt a pain in his stomach at the idea he might have? Cruel as it might be considering where they were once Sebastian sobered up and the sun rose–there was something inside of Blaine that didn’t want him to forget. Maybe because it might’ve been the only time it’d ever happen. A kiss. Just a kiss. But one he could still feel if he closed his eyes. Yes. There was a huge amount of cruelty for wanting not just him to go back to being who they really are to each other the next day without that phantom lingering in the back of his mind. But he had to know.
Sebastian had always given Blaine his best casual moves. At first it feeling as though each of them worked, clicked, brought the boy in, and then, after meeting Hummel, it feeling as though no matter what he did, Blaine wouldn’t look at him. He’d given up by now, but they still came naturally. Like the way their bodies brushed softly when he passed by the other, or how his fingers lingered as he let go of his hand. And even as he stretched out, inadvertently showing off, to what he thought were just the walls, but that actually caught Blaine’s eyes behind his back. And you both think the other is just looking at the ground. It felt weird, clearly, having Blaine follow him inside his house, to his kitchen, to make them breakfast. Almost too familiar, to not really hurt, and yet it felt more peaceful and right than he thought it’d be. It was as though something had HAPPENED the previous night that had shifted things. Something had somehow fixed their step back into the harmonious dance they’d done on that first dance. Where Blaine would lean when he leaned, and breathe when he spoke, and speak as his blood rushed in his lungs. He’d thought for sure that was lost. That even though they still head the easy of people that knew each other well, that that particular feeling had been drained away and yet here they were. It itched his mind with something, some inkling of what he couldn’t quite understand. Those thoughts danced through his mind but they didn’t stick. Not quite yet. It was still floating in the heavy tiredness of his hangover, something a lot more concrete and pressing at the moment. Sebastian grumbled when Blaine teased him, but there was still a shade of a smile on his lips. “That, yeah. Coffee is a matter of survival, killer.” He gave Blaine a curious glance at his sudden rambling, but didn’t think it over too much. As they walked in, he went for the cabinets and opened one, throwing a coffee bag on the kitchen counter, and then picking up some mugs. “Machine’s over there.” He nodded towards it. There was a gourmet as well, but he doubted they were in any shape to appreciate it. Good old black Italian roast would have to do. After he was done setting the mugs and sugar, he grabbed something from the fridge and hopped on the island counter, watching Blaine from under his eyelids. “Pretty much all I know. I’m fairly sure those eggs in the fridge are fresh, but no idea about the pan.” He had a housekeeper that came twice a week, and when she did, she’d make him breakfast, the rare days he didn’t have to pass by a cafe or starbucks. “Jackpot.” He murmured as he opened the white box, grabbing an eclair from it and giving a large bite before offering the box towards Blaine. “The real kitchen treasure of the house of Smythe.” He pointed out.
Blaine settled for staring at the coffee bag tossed on the counter while he rubbed the back of his neck. Just how much did Sebastian drink last night before the three a.m. call for a ride? Apparently by their conversation? The answer was–a lot. He had to wonder why Sebastian decided swallowing down that much alcohol alone was a great idea. Was he just a call after the other’s hopes for finding someone for the night were given up? Then again–if Sebastian wanted to find someone? Sebastian always found someone. He knew that much about Sebastian. Being beautiful and reckless was always the perfect combination to filling his bed with company for a night if he needed it. A wish that he could be the same often ran through his thoughts while staring at a dark ceiling watching the night turn to morning when the quiet he was deafening and cold. Having someone there to make the bed warm and him exhausted enough to sleep would be much better than silence or a radio playing softly until he dozed off. Not that he hasn’t tried. There were a few horrid attempts at one night stands in the beginning that ended up with him feeling worse for going through with them than the temporary company they provided. Some people were wired one way, while others different. Not that one was better than the other. Sebastian’s way of life was his way of life and other than the heavy drinking that Blaine was gathering up the nerve to question him about was fine if it made the person happy. Just..for Sebastian? Blaine had to wonder how happy he was if he chased the bottom of one glass after another. Maybe they weren’t wired so different. And that was deeply stomach twisting to consider. Oh. Coffee. Blaine hurried over to the machine, filled the canister with water and–by luck–found a package of filters in the cabinet above the machine and a scoop inside the bag. Water gurgled, steam puffed and coffee was on it’s way. He perked up in spite of his train of thought. Hazel eyes brightly dancing across Sebastian’s sleepy face as he peeked at the box and felt his belly growl. Inching close–he leaned in and gently plucked up one of the eclairs. A moan slipped out at the first taste. Oh now that was delicious. Lashes fluttered and he swooned–catching himself with his free hand against Sebastian’s bent knee. “You know? Those should be illegal. Can we skip the eggs and eat that whole box? I swear I could,” the tip of his tongue slid over his bottom lip before he smiled. “After coffee–I have a question for you. If you don’t mind?” Maybe sinful chocolate and caffeine could fuel the nerve to approach the subject of the state Sebastian was in when he found him last night? No ‘out’ now. It had to.
“You’re being way too fucking deep for this early hour.” Sebastian murmured under his yawn as he brushed his eyelids. “And I still think it was worth it. Probably.” He chuckled. He didn’t exactly feel like explaining thereasoning behind his late excessive drinking. Admitting Blaine was still in his mind seemed too ridiculous to bear. Blaine probably hadn’t event thought of him on the last three years. Sebastian scrunched his nose back at him when he was teased, then let his lips curl at Blaine’s answer. “We live like champions, rockstar.” He pointed out as he watched Blaine get up before forcing himself to do the same, hoisting himself on the armchairs so he could get to his feet, then accepting Blaine’s hand mid-way. He let it go a tad too quickly afterwards, as though suddenly realizing that was probably the first time they touched hands since they’d first met. As he looked at Blaine, amusement in his bright eyes, and the smile on his lips, he suddenly licked over his own, trying to shake off the will to kiss him. It felt weird, a ghost sensation on them, as though they were trying to recall something. But Blaine had been clear that nothing had happened between them, so they couldn’t have kissed, could they? “Sure, killer. Whatever you say.” Blaine’s evasive remarks were something Sebastian was more than used to, as he was used to ignore the way they chipped away at something in him. Not that he had a lot of expectation even if Blaine DID agree to let Sebastian introduce him to his sheets. He’d known Blaine had had his doubts once, and even wondered if he wasn’t bisexual after all, but that he knew of, it hadn’t gone anywhere. Still, he didn’t let any of that sour that rare morning they were sharing. Instead, letting himself take in the image of a sleepy bed messed Blaine, and smirking as he pretended not to see the other’s reaction to picturing their sex. “You coming?” He asked, roughly, as he passed through the other boy, stretching his arms and letting his shirt ride up, making his way to the kitchen. “I don’t really know where is anything here, so we’re gonna have to search.” He warned over his shoulder.
Blaine curled empty fingers towards his palm after Sebastian’s quickly disappeared. The absence of a palm shouldn’t be something you felt this much. Should it? Somehow? The air hitting his skin shifted from warm and comforting to cold and chasing after filling the void by any means possible. If balling itself into a fist was the best it could do? Then he’d take that. And shove both inside his pockets unaware of the thoughts that his answer put in Sebastian’s mind. How could he understand? Not only because Sebastian was keeping it internalized. But he had no idea the depth of the reasons why. Instead? “Yeah, I’m coming.” Blaine followed along clueless to anything but the small sense of awkwardness that waking up the way they had must have put there. Because what else could it be? Sebastian already gave no signs that he remembered kissing him in the cab the night before. Blaine wasn’t going to bring up the subject. They’d waited years for that moment. Because as oblivious as Blaine knew he could be when it came to matters about himself and what someone else might be feeling towards him? He knew Sebastian was waiting just as badly. Why ruin the perfect day that this morning was turning out to be by explaining to Sebastian that he drunkenly shared and forgot their first kiss? He turned follow as Sebastian’s spine arched in a feline stretch. The pale strip of skin above his waistband drew Blaine’s attention and he felt his chest tighten. It was his turn to feel the phantom press of the other against him during their cab ride. Breath on his cheek that smelled of whiskey barrels and cheap bar mints. The way it felt to let himself feel with someone who he always kept at an arm’s length for both of their good and then–when it wasn’t necessary–by a habit that was built on years of needing to. Thankfully–just as he felt like he was drowning–Sebastian pulled him to the surface. He blinked out of his fog as they walked into the kitchen, lips twisted into a taunting grin. His voice caught up from the scratch he had to clear. “Wait. How do you not know where anything is? Please tell me you know where the coffee’s at? Some mugs, too? Though if we’re really desperate? I guess I can make a pot and we can grab some straws and share it like the desperate coffee fiends we are?” See? Cat Got Your Tongue pause over! Just keep talking and avoid another one. Should be simple. Yeah?
Sebastian could barely believe when Blaine had started to text him again a month ago. He was decidedly less excited once he realized the reason was simply and purely that, Blaine was lonely. Kurt was gone, to do whatever he was doing, and he’d left Blaine behind, and for the first time since their relationship started, Blaine didn’t have someone to spend every second of every day with, talking with, or planning to be with. Sebastian realized it fairly quickly after the first mentions of how Kurt was absent started. He, himself, hadn’t texted Blaine since the proposal incident. He couldn’t bring himself to admit how utterly it had actually devastated him. He had no idea how much hope he’d still been gathering until then. After that, he went radio silent, and Blaine didn’t make any efforts to contact him, either. And for the months that followed, Sebastian had been SURE that his story with Blaine, whatever it was, was over. That was why the strike was somewhat dulled down when he’d realized Blaine reaching out had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with his new fiancé. For a week, he’d even considered breaking everything off at once, but at the end of the day, it hadn’t changed anything. Blaine needed him, and even if it was only because he missed someone else, Sebastian was going to be there for him. After everything he’d done, Blaine deserved his friendship, stripped of interest.
He wasn’t sure when the whole Elliot thing had started. Sometimes Blaine would talk about him, and Sebastian would wonder, but he couldn’t conceive that Blaine would actually sleep with someone else after everything he’d said and done back when Sebastian had been pursuing him. The confession was a shock. And quite honestly Sebastian had no idea what to say. What could he say? And he doubted Hummel would want him saying ANYTHING regarding their relationship. When Blaine had asked, he’d seen no choice but to tell him it was his choice. He couldn’t tell him not to tell Kurt. And at the same time, he’d be SICK if he had to actually give him advice to save his engagement. It was one thing to be there for him, to talk and maybe meet in person, like they hadn’t despite the texting, distract him, support HIS decision. Those were things he COULD do, but what he couldn’t do was be a meddler in their mess of a relationship, as he saw it. Not to say he KNEW he wouldn’t be able to stay neutral. He didn’t know exactly what Blaine would do, and he wouldn’t until he texted him, which was why he hadn’t even been expecting any sort of news until the next day, AFTER Blaine had slept his trip off and decided to send him a message. To say he was surprised when someone knocked on his father’s door at that late hour was an understatement, but actually opening the door to a brokenBlaine on his porch was astonishing. He’d been wide eyed and at complete loss of what to do, but bring Blaine inside and take him to the living room. As they sat, he waited for him to say something and that was when reached for his shoulder and next thing he knew, he had an armful of Blaine on his chest. He wrapped his arms around him, his body always having such an automatic response to offering Blaine affection, something he wasn’t used to at all, and brought him in even closer. He could feel the tears starting to wet his skin under Blaine’s face and squeezed him tighter, eyes widening again at the admittance. “Shhhh…. Blaine. It’s okay, killer. Just take a deep breath.” You didn’t do anything. He swallowed, pressing his cheek against Blaine’s curls. He suddenly realized he probably should go upstairs and kick his one night stand out.
“Sebastian. I messed up so bad. I need–I need that day back. There are so many things I’d do different. I want to do it all over again. Everything I did that morning that lead up to that, I need to undo. Please..?” Why was he asking Sebastian that? It’s not like Sebastian could do anything to give him what he was begging for. It was an impossible request. Maybe he wasn’t asking Sebastian at all. Just incapable of keeping anything in. Every word he wanted to say when he woke up to his things packed and the person he loved most unable to look at him–and rightfully so–were still on the tip of his tongue. Six hours waiting in the airport because that was the closest flight time he could get didn’t erase them. Not the flight home. Or the drive that had him nearly rear ending someone because he wasn’t even in his skull much less focused on the road. Nothing ever would until he could say them to Kurt. But they refused to go away until they were spoken. At least once.
God knows he deserved to say it over and over again because he was the one that did it. Even if he begged for the chance to take that day away on repeat– it wouldn’t make up for what he did. Actions speak louder than words. And he’d made an action that set into motion a domino effect that broke everything on it’s way down. He held onto Sebastian like the other was his last lifeline. Regret that hadn’t left him immediately after he did the most awful thing he’s ever done that he could never take back only welled up again inside his stomach. It felt like his insides were twisted into knots, his throat caved in and he couldn’t breathe regardless of being told to. Everything he was feeling came pouring out from a body that was–simply put–too exhausted to hold it in anymore. His slight weight shifted against Sebastian’s side. Even though he was still wearing the coat and scarf he had on since New York–he was thinner than he’d been since they last saw each other face to face. A few sobs later–he tried to start gluing himself back together. He wasn’t after pity. Or even understanding. Just–Sebastian to be there and to not be alone. “I’m sorry..,” his face crumpled up and he went back frustratedly rubbing at his face keeping balled up around Sebastian’s frame. “I’m sure this is the last thing you need.”
@notacrabbastian said: “ i got you. it’s gonna be okay, you’re going to be okay.”
Why did he come here? Going home would’ve been smarter. Drive directly from the airport, to his house, lock himself away and let all of this out. That was the plan anyway. He was halfway there when he passed Sebastian’s house and through blurry eyes saw that his bedroom light was on. How far out of it do you have to be when you could half swear that the car decided to turn down his driveway on it’s own and you don’t realize that you’re knocking on someone’s door until they have you by the shoulders and are dragging you into the house? ‘I got you. It’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay,’ Sebastian’s voice came in an echo and Blaine only shook his head following without a fight to wherever he was lead.
Deflating onto the edge of the sofa–or was it a bed?–in a heap of limbs that didn’t want to work anymore–Blaine tried to turtle himself behind his arms and hands until he felt a gentle touch guiding one wrist down and a slender arm wrapping around his shoulders. As if that touch was the last thing to break him–the tears he held in became unstoppable. He was partially wrapped around Sebastian with his forehead touching a pale collarbone peeking out from the neck of Sebastian’s shirt by the time he could manage to mutter, “I told him–and it’s over. It’s done–. Sebastian? What did I do to him?”
As much as Sebastian would like to pretend otherwise, he tended to agree with the others. He’d screwed up bad. He thought if he just proved to Blaine that he was BETTER than Kurt, that he could humiliatebeat him, that that would somehow bring Blaine to him. That if he just WON the National’s, Blaine would realize how good of a fit they were, and Kurt would be forgotten. He realized after Dave, how wrong he’d been. He couldn’t prove anything to Blaine if he didn’t believe it first. All his life he’d tried to prove he was worth it. That he was worth his father’s attention, no matter if by his academics excellence, or by his teenager misdeeds. That he was worth more than the people who’d judge him for his sex, sexuality, personality or anything he was born with. His father had made him feel that that was the only way he’d ever grab someone’s appreciation. But he’d learned it differently, no matter how long it’d took, and now it seemed that maybe, perhaps, Blaine thought he was worth it, even if he couldn’t prove it. Even if there was no way to prove it to someone that didn’t want to see, it didn’t seem to matter, because it looked like Blaine ALREADY thought it. Could he dream of it? His breath was audible in the room when Blaine’s warm hand met his skin. His blood pumping thick in his throat against Blaine’s palm, as he let his own hand be held like he’d always hated to, but that with BLAINE felt so easy. The words made him breathe in. The way Blaine said “we”, the way it felt hearing him actually put them together like that. For a long time Sebastian had felt like he just didn’t deserve Blaine leaving anyone just to be with him. But right then, he was willing to hope.
As he opened his eyes into Blaine’s, he saw the anguished light in them, and his eyebrows screwed together. He could hear it, of course. He’d always known what Blaine’s words really meant. He could hear the beg, and he was as always tempted to give in. To comfort and care for Blaine as it’d become his second nature astonishingly fast. But something in him wasn’t so ready to let go this time around. Wanted to hold on just a little longer because it felt as though they were so close. As though he were so close to finding out what it felt like to have Blaine to himself. The mere dream of a thought made him dizzy. Blaine was everything. “Honest.” He said, then, more firmly than he’d expected himself to be able to. The brush of their knees and the warmth on his neck seeming to get him just drunk enough on the heat to keep going. “Aren’t you lying to him?” He asked, licking over his lips and feeling his own skin grow feverish as he slid even closer to Blaine. An urgent tone to his every word. “Aren’t you lying to him every day you tell him nothing’s going on? When he says my name, aren’t you lying to him when you tell him I don’t matter? You’re already hurting him, Blaine.” You’re hurting all of us. And wasn’t that the truth? “Blaine, please.” Blaine might have qualms against begging out loud but Sebastian didn’t. He’d beg for Blaine as long as he had to. If Blaine had pushed him aside, he could handle it. But what he couldn’t do was walk away when Blaine’s eyes seemed to be asking him to stay. “I get it…” He said softly, as he raised his free hand to caress Blaine’s wrist on his throat. “I get it, killer… You’re so freaking good… But sometimes.” He held his breath as he leaned in, gaze begging as he almost let their noses brush, speaking over Blaine’s lips as he let it for him to take the final step. “Sometimes we have to be a little selfish. Because sometimes being good doesn’t really help anyone.”
Blaine felt the first lines and cracks of his heart begin to shatter to pieces the longer they sat in this position. So close but miles and miles apart because he was the one doing this to them. He stared into a sea of green that begged him to yield–begged him to love Sebastian back–begged him to let go and meet him halfway more than physically. Everything Sebastian was asking–if it happened a year ago–Blaine knew he’d give it to him freely because it was killing him not to give it to him now. Even if it was? He wasn’t the only one suffering. One look into Sebastian’s eyes was proof that Sebastian was hurting worse. And–oh God–that was something Blaine never wanted. For someone to hurt over him. When his plea went ignored–Blaine’s thumb pressed in gently against the strip of skin along Sebastian’s throat it was making circles on. He debated pulling away. Chalking this up to another mistake. Say that he didn’t know he was looking at him the way Blaine knew he was. Play stupid. Play oblivious. Everyone–including himself–knew that he could be exactly that so very often. Maybe this time he could take advantage of it for once and get away without damaging them to the point of no return. It was a cheat–shallow and without a doubt the opposite of his motto of courage. But–maybe being cowardly this time was something he could forgive himself for rather than never being able to if he was the one who took the jump.
As soon as the question came–the ever-present burning in his eyes finally gave way to blurry vision and tears barely held back behind long, thick lashes. Closer. Sebastian slid closer then and Blaine’s skin burned underneath the feathery touch on his wrist.. The other set of fingers balled up his shirt and squeezed tight against his shoulder. –Yes, I’m hurting him. Yes, I’m hurting you. Who am I anymore?– Keeping his eyes unfocused and blind as he met Sebastian’s again–a wrinkle of guilt and longing creased between his brows. Blaine was hinging on every word he said. Their new closeness made his heart grow warm, his lips tingle. ‘Please..,’ but the word was silent and barely caused his lips to move. “I’m so sorry I’m hurting anyone. I’m not good. Good people don’t do this..” A splash of wet fell from his jaw and hit Sebastian’s wrist when their noses brushed. Again–he listened. His chest hitched and his breath stopped. Sebastian’s gaze begged as hard as he felt himself doing the same inside. He wasn’t getting any reprieve from this–was he? There was breath moving over his mouth. Warm and soft and a caress of a promise if he just leaned in and did what he was too petrified to do. There’d be no going back after that. No more times where he could say he was faithful and devoted. Considerate and kind. Kind people don’t lean in closer. Kind people don’t clutch onto another boy’s shoulder when you are so, so taken.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry..” Kind people don’t close their eyes and feel tears trickling down the bridge of their nose and not stop before you can’t feel where your breath ends and another person’s begins. Nor to they nod and groan when the motion brushes their lips together with ones who shouldn’t be there in fidelity terms but there is no planet you want to be on where they aren’t right where you need them to be. Here. A breath away until even that space is gone. And you’re falling into the first taste of a mouth that has you reeling as the rest the world outside that kiss just–goes away.
Blaine avoided this conversation for as long as he could. Sebastian’s number was a press of his thumb on his phone away more times than he could count. Days went by. His I’ll think about it. I promise..just give me time felt like a punch not only to his stomach but he knew that every passing minute he kept Sebastian waiting certainly felt like the same to him, too. It wasn’t something he ever wanted to to do him. None of this was. And he was getting really good at making those blunders lately. However, Sebastian was too important to him–whether he believed it or not—to lose. And the worst? Too important to let go of. To face the idea that he’d tell Sebastian no and end up losing what he knew Sebastian felt for him? It was greedy and selfish and awful–but Blaine was petrified he would. So? He thought a couple days longer. Put things off and let himself live in a world that for one more day Sebastian Smythe–wanted him. And inside those days? He’d made a terrible mistake. One that he could take back. Not from Kurt, not from himself and not from the boy who wouldn’t understand why it wasn’t him.
Feeling his insides shake–Blaine delivered the news with a guilt ridden whisper and a stare that was deadlocked onto the tabletop. He couldn’t break up with Kurt, he couldn’t do that to him. What he didn’t deliver was that–within days–it wouldn’t be his decision. A trip to New York City was planned and Blaine knew that he was probably going to lose it all anyway (he deserved to) which was why–. More selfishness flooded in and he swallowed the guilt chasing after because he was desperate. “I can’t lose this, too,” he whispered in a cracked voice after Sebastian’s peck was delivered to his cheek. “Sebastian. Wait. Wait,” his voice grew in strength and volume as he was suddenly behind the taller of the pair. Blaine gripped his elbow trying to get him to stop and face him. “Don’t go. Can we just–talk? Please?”
Blaine’s fingers dancing through his hair weighted Sebastian into his sleep even more than the alcohol ever could. If he’d been awake sober enough to appreciate this, he might not have enjoyed it as freely as he did then. He’d felt it. He’d felt it back when they’d met the very first time. And finally, now, he did once more. Blaine was home. Blaine was where he was supposed to be. From all the fancy places he’d lived, none of them, had even got CLOSE to feeling like that. Sebastian felt something quiet down inside him again. Like the quiet breath of pieces coming into place. The same settling in he’d felt before and another. A new one that came from how out of place he’d been after Blaine’d been ripped away from him, by his own actions. It was always on the back of his mind, an echo of hurt. And the sudden disappearance had tugged him awake more than the car bump. It felt wrong, like he SHOULD be still feeling it, be still hurting. Hence the question. He watched Blaine’s face, hazily as the other struggled to respond. His eyelids fluttering at the touch on his forehead, before he forced his gaze to focus. His expression serious, and as Blaine talked, his eyes widened. Did Blaine really mean it?? Did he actually think that about him?? Blaine had said he was done with him. And Sebastian wasn’t used to second chances. He didn’t have relationships that LASTED. A relationship where he could try again. Where he should try again. All this time he thought it was over, but what Blaine said now, made him breathe in sharply. He went quiet for a moment, but not like last time. Still stupefied as he looked at Blaine. His lips touched the corner of Blaine’s before he could even think, even though the movement was soft, as he lifted himself to it. The press was warm and slow, and he bumped his forehead forward as a rough murmur batted Blaine’s jaw. “Thank you, Blainers.” He closed his eyes, an overwhelming relief rolling down his back. “I knew it.” He knew it. He knew Blaine and him were meant to be something.
Seeing how what he said to the man in his arms affected him so deeply–Blaine couldn’t help but feel a prick and then a scratch of guilt claw at his insides. He’d left Sebastian wondering for far too long. Cut him off and turned his back putting on a friendly front in the end and even forgiving him without saying the actual words. Things were never the same though. The closeness–that Blaine wondered if he’d made up and was the sole person who felt it in their darkest hours–never came back to the way it was before. Maybe that was his fault more than Sebastian’s. Distance was safer. Less room for anyone to get hurt if mistakes were made again. But–here they were. Years later. Blaine being the one that Sebastian knew he could call on when he was in a rough spot. Not that he did very often. Tonight was an exception and Blaine was glad it was. Their conversation might be one-sided drunk but he hoped that what he was saying sank in and lasted past the morning. In spite of all the muck and mud and blood under the bridge. Not being there for Sebastian wasn’t possible. Hating him was even less of a possibility than being absent from his life completely. Sebastian being drunk for Blaine to get it out? Might’ve been just what Blaine needed to have the courage to say when he needed to say. His breath hitched when he felt the press of lips against the corner of his mouth. From the simple contact–his whole body came to life. A spiderweb of light that began in such a tiny, but so very intimate place and ran through every limb down to the fingers that flexed in Sebastian’s hair and against his cheek to the toes that curled and pressed into the soles of his shoes. The thunk of Sebastian’s forehead against the side of his made him smile–his tongue catching the corner of it to steal the aftertaste of where Sebastian’s kiss was and he felt the world spin. “You’re welcome, Seb.” They turned onto Sebastian’s street but he couldn’t wait until they were out of the cab to sate his curiosity. “Knew what,” his whisper touched Sebastian’s chin and Blaine let his guard down enough to stay right where he was. Holding him this close, skin to skin. Breath to breath.
pianokeysandbowties back up 