Seeing Blaine like that destroyed Sebastian. As much as he would try and keep face. As much as he’d have liked to have moved on already, every goddamn time he saw Blaine, or even got a text from him, it knocked the floor right off from under his feet. He had never seen Blaine this miserable. Not even after the whole slushie struggle, when Blaine was still mad at him, he hadn’t been this broken. And Sebastian was as lost as he was pained by it. He wanted to be the friend Blaine wanted and needed him to be right now, but it did make him struggle in a way he wasn’t prepared to. He wasn’t ready to feel this much at once, but he also couldn’t bring himself to tell Blaine ‘no’. He never had.
That was certainly why he didn’t think twice before kicking his one night stand out, and rushing back to comfort Blaine, appealing to all deities he’d never believed in, that he’d still be there when he got back downstairs. It didn’t matter how many bruises and scars he had after so many years of holding Blaine first, when the other boy had never shown interest in doing the same. One look at Blaine’s face, and any resolutions he might have taken, slipped away. Blaine came first. It had been that way from day one. It really shouldn’t surprise him any more. He sighed in relief when he came back from the kitchen and the boy was still there. He made his way to the couch, offering him the glass, and shifted on the ball of his feet, a little unsure for a moment. He didn’t know how close Blaine wanted to be to anyone right now, specially not him. Still, as he offered to get him something else, the beg came, and he nodded instead.
Sebastian moved to sit by his side again, and awkwardly placed a hand on his shoulder, giving a few taps to it. ‘Sure…’ He promised, studying Blaine’s red face with analytical eyes, wanting to make sure he’d be okay, or as okay as possible. It seemed like it’d take a while, from the amount of pain Sebastian could see in his eyes, and it made his tongue taste like copper in his mouth. ‘Just breathe, killer….’ he encouraged softly, wanting the other to say whatever he needed to, to spill it out and start getting his pieces back together. He felt a new pang in his stomach as he did, and it made him more bitter than he could tell, to say the words, but he did. ‘Maybe you should wait some and then call him…’ They were inseparable, right? Sebastian would know. ‘If this is what you really want…’ he stopped. As much as he cared for Blaine the words sounded fake even to his own ears, and besides, he heard a movement just then, that caught his eye, and he froze for a second. He lost the first part of Blaine’s apology, as he stared, or rather glared at his noisy fuck buddy that was just crossing the front of the living room, after making it downstairs, so he could leave. But he did hear the second part.
Sebastian blinked at him, refocusing, and breathed out, repeating to himself as usual that Blaine just said things like that because they were friends. He nodded. ‘You can always come to me.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m probably not the best adviser. But you can spill your guts, and I’ll usually have something strong to make things better.’ He tapped his shoulder again. ‘Wanna watch something? I can expand the couch. We could order something in.’ He offered. Sure it was a coward way out, to offer comfort food and movies, instead of listening more, or trying to talk, but he had never been good at the latter, specially not when he was in love with the boy who had just been heartbroken for someone else.
Feeling the couch budge with Sebastian’s weight as he sat beside him and the pat filled Blaine with such a simple relief that uniquely Sebastian’s to give. He appreciated it. Awkward as the contact felt for reasons he didn’t have the energy to question right now but might come back to later when he did with a question of why. One he already knew the answer to deep down but had to graze past repeatedly. The rabbit hole had been burrowing deeper and deeper for over a year now–another all his fault that he felt so out of control to face and deal with that he just didn’t. So much for courage when you take the coward’s way out of helping someone who loves you just not because you need that love selfish and sadistic as it is. And if you take that love away? It might take them with it because why would they stick around after?
Yes. There were layers of understanding Blaine had for Sebastian and what he should or shouldn’t do or want or say. All of which went out the window every time he laid eyes on him. Or heard his voice. It was unfair. It was cruel. Everything he never wanted to be and didn’t consider himself actually being. Except for .. him. Even then? A few pats and his body that’d been wound tight as a spring ready to bounce around the room and do some serious damage at the sheer velocity it ricocheted with began to relax and become less tense. Blaine took the bread crumbs of half-meant advice that Sebastian wasn’t the only one who noticed the insincerity of.
He opened his mouth to chip in that maybe he should. So far all his efforts were met with an understandable brick wall. No matter how heavy those bricks were every time his words were slammed against it. Crushing as it might be. He didn’t have the right to expect anything more or less from Kurt. Not after what he did. A noise coming from the hall halted what he was about to say. Blaine caught the sight of the guy a second after Sebastian. His mouth hung open as a heat blazed over his cheeks and burned all the way across his nose. “Sorry–I could’ve left.” Ignoring the way his throat closed up–Blaine noticed Sebastian segway past what both of them just saw with a seamless dismissal and stuttered to catch up to the speed. A clearing of his throat and he followed along.
Another leap, another turn past acknowledging something else. “You’re cutting yourself short. There’s a reason why I’m here.” Soon, he told himself, soon. Not now. I can’t lose you—. “Actually? Y-Yeah..,” he smiled..fake as it was..the effort had to count for something and hands brushing together as he stood up so they could set up the couch, “That sounds great.” At least the dawning realization he’d interrupted something much more inconveniencing than sleeping was enough to make him drop the other topic Sebastian was righteously at a loss on what to say about?
“Shhh. Killer. It’s okay.” Sebastian had no fucking idea what to do, other than to keep holding him. What could he do? What could he answer to that? “You were lonely, Blaine.” He offered, awkwardly, as he kept running his hand up and down his back. “I know you didn’t mean it.” Or at least he had to believe that. Not only because it was what made Blaine, BLAINE, and what had so much attracted him at first, but because if he let himself think about Blaine actually planning to cheat on Kurt with someone else, well, he better not. He tried to focus on knowing how it felt to fuck up, instead, and how he could help Blaine feel better about it. “At least you told him, that’s something, right?” He asked, unsure of what was really best as he’d never been on that end of a relationship. Or in a relationship, honestly. He held him tighter. This was actually the first time he was ever allowed to hold Blaine like that, and he was slowly starting to realize it. They’d hugged, before the proposal fiasco, but it’d been quick and Blaine hadn’t been abandoned on his arms like that.
Sebastian could feel how Blaine was almost shaking against him and it broke the heart most people didn’t think he had. Why was it that after all this time, to see Blaine hurt him like that, hurt him this much? It shouldn’t make as much sense as it did. He kept holding Blaine until he started to come down from his panic, and relax even if slowly, in his arms. Sebastian hadn’t noticed how thinner he looked until Blaine pulled back and he got to actually look him on the face properly. He shook his head. “It’s fine killer. Just wait here for a minute, I’m gonna get you some water, alright? Bathroom’s to the right if you want it.” He pointed out, nodding towards the bathroom door, before gently detaching from Blaine, and getting up. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned back around to him. “Don’t go anywhere.” He asked, again, before making his way upstairs, quickly. He hoped Blaine would listen to him, but he put it off his mind for a moment, as he made it to his bedroom. The guy he’d been sleeping with was still knocked out on his bed and Sebastian patted his ankle as he started to gather up his things. “Wake up, sexy. I need you out.” He patted him again as the boy started to grumble and threw the boy’s phone and wallet besides him. “I’ve got a friend over, time to go.” He said, as the other finally looked up at him, frowning. He shrugged. “Can always find me by the bar again.” He told him, before leaving, the door open as he passed through it so he could make his way downstairs again, to the kitchen this time, to get Blaine some water.
“Let me know if you want something stronger.” He said, as he walked back into the living room, a glass of cold water in hand, hoping to find Blaine in the couch.
“Nothing’s okay,” he slowly shook his head and balled up one fist to try some useless attempt at drying his face. “Nothing’s fine and nothing’s okay. I’m not sure if anything will ever be OKAY again.” A shift of positions and Sebastian stood up from the couch–watery hazel eyes blinked clear after a few tries. Blaine watched as Sebastian disappeared out of the room. A quiet groan parted his lips as both elbows were pressed against his upper thighs. Palms cupped the top of his head and he stared between his bended knees at the floor wondering why the hell he thought it was okay to do this to Sebastian. Of all people. Sebastian was his friend, yes. But he knew their history–one that never was, yet was so so close to being something much different–and knew that coming here to break down over making the biggest mistake of his life with someone else was probably akin to a slap in the face. He might be thick about a lot of things that pass him by. Blaine knows that about himself. Not even he could miss where this might be unfair for him to rely on Sebastian to get him through this. Not might be. It was. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to get up and leave. Even if the thought quickly crossed his mind while he sat there waiting.
Hearing the other drawing close again–Blaine straightened up. If that’s what you could call it. More like folded into himself while pretending he was sitting fully upright. Limbs moved–wrapped around his middle–and he reached for the water with a look of gratitude. “Thank you.” The other hand wrapped gently–so careful that it seemed Blaine thought Sebastian was made from hollow bones that were far too delicate and could break at the slightest touch. He didn’t want him leaving again. Not with the thoughts in his head being plugged up by the other’s presence. He didn’t want them flooding back in. “Please sit down,” he begged up at him–red faced and eyebrows lifted like he could beckon him in with the expression alone. “Sit down and don’t go. Water’s fine. I’m not sure if anything harder’s a good idea. Not LIKE THIS.” What was he supposed to say from here? I know I messed up. I ruined everything. I’ll never be the same again. Neither will he. And it’s all my fault. The words were on the tip of his tongue but he bit them back and swallowed the aftertaste with more water. “It’s all..over. I think. I’m not sure. But. I think so..” And there came the caving in of his chest again. A buckling of his belly and he sat the glass on the table near the couch before palming at his face to hide the crease forming between his brows. Couple of tattered deep breaths later–his fingers dropped with his gaze into his lap.
“I’m sorry… I don’t know why I thought laying this on you was a good idea,” he apologizes because that’s how he’s wired. “You’re just–the only one who I wanted to go to.”
pianokeysandbowties back up 