Sebastian could barely believe when Blaine had started to text him again a month ago. He was decidedly less excited once he realized the reason was simply and purely that, Blaine was lonely. Kurt was gone, to do whatever he was doing, and he’d left Blaine behind, and for the first time since their relationship started, Blaine didn’t have someone to spend every second of every day with, talking with, or planning to be with. Sebastian realized it fairly quickly after the first mentions of how Kurt was absent started. He, himself, hadn’t texted Blaine since the proposal incident. He couldn’t bring himself to admit how utterly it had actually devastated him. He had no idea how much hope he’d still been gathering until then. After that, he went radio silent, and Blaine didn’t make any efforts to contact him, either. And for the months that followed, Sebastian had been SURE that his story with Blaine, whatever it was, was over. That was why the strike was somewhat dulled down when he’d realized Blaine reaching out had nothing to do with them, but everything to do with his new fiancé. For a week, he’d even considered breaking everything off at once, but at the end of the day, it hadn’t changed anything. Blaine needed him, and even if it was only because he missed someone else, Sebastian was going to be there for him. After everything he’d done, Blaine deserved his friendship, stripped of interest.
He wasn’t sure when the whole Elliot thing had started. Sometimes Blaine would talk about him, and Sebastian would wonder, but he couldn’t conceive that Blaine would actually sleep with someone else after everything he’d said and done back when Sebastian had been pursuing him. The confession was a shock. And quite honestly Sebastian had no idea what to say. What could he say? And he doubted Hummel would want him saying ANYTHING regarding their relationship. When Blaine had asked, he’d seen no choice but to tell him it was his choice. He couldn’t tell him not to tell Kurt. And at the same time, he’d be SICK if he had to actually give him advice to save his engagement. It was one thing to be there for him, to talk and maybe meet in person, like they hadn’t despite the texting, distract him, support HIS decision. Those were things he COULD do, but what he couldn’t do was be a meddler in their mess of a relationship, as he saw it. Not to say he KNEW he wouldn’t be able to stay neutral. He didn’t know exactly what Blaine would do, and he wouldn’t until he texted him, which was why he hadn’t even been expecting any sort of news until the next day, AFTER Blaine had slept his trip off and decided to send him a message. To say he was surprised when someone knocked on his father’s door at that late hour was an understatement, but actually opening the door to a brokenBlaine on his porch was astonishing. He’d been wide eyed and at complete loss of what to do, but bring Blaine inside and take him to the living room. As they sat, he waited for him to say something and that was when reached for his shoulder and next thing he knew, he had an armful of Blaine on his chest. He wrapped his arms around him, his body always having such an automatic response to offering Blaine affection, something he wasn’t used to at all, and brought him in even closer. He could feel the tears starting to wet his skin under Blaine’s face and squeezed him tighter, eyes widening again at the admittance. “Shhhh…. Blaine. It’s okay, killer. Just take a deep breath.” You didn’t do anything. He swallowed, pressing his cheek against Blaine’s curls. He suddenly realized he probably should go upstairs and kick his one night stand out.
“Sebastian. I messed up so bad. I need–I need that day back. There are so many things I’d do different. I want to do it all over again. Everything I did that morning that lead up to that, I need to undo. Please..?” Why was he asking Sebastian that? It’s not like Sebastian could do anything to give him what he was begging for. It was an impossible request. Maybe he wasn’t asking Sebastian at all. Just incapable of keeping anything in. Every word he wanted to say when he woke up to his things packed and the person he loved most unable to look at him–and rightfully so–were still on the tip of his tongue. Six hours waiting in the airport because that was the closest flight time he could get didn’t erase them. Not the flight home. Or the drive that had him nearly rear ending someone because he wasn’t even in his skull much less focused on the road. Nothing ever would until he could say them to Kurt. But they refused to go away until they were spoken. At least once.
God knows he deserved to say it over and over again because he was the one that did it. Even if he begged for the chance to take that day away on repeat– it wouldn’t make up for what he did. Actions speak louder than words. And he’d made an action that set into motion a domino effect that broke everything on it’s way down. He held onto Sebastian like the other was his last lifeline. Regret that hadn’t left him immediately after he did the most awful thing he’s ever done that he could never take back only welled up again inside his stomach. It felt like his insides were twisted into knots, his throat caved in and he couldn’t breathe regardless of being told to. Everything he was feeling came pouring out from a body that was–simply put–too exhausted to hold it in anymore. His slight weight shifted against Sebastian’s side. Even though he was still wearing the coat and scarf he had on since New York–he was thinner than he’d been since they last saw each other face to face. A few sobs later–he tried to start gluing himself back together. He wasn’t after pity. Or even understanding. Just–Sebastian to be there and to not be alone. “I’m sorry..,” his face crumpled up and he went back frustratedly rubbing at his face keeping balled up around Sebastian’s frame. “I’m sure this is the last thing you need.”
@notacrabbastian said: “ i got you. it’s gonna be okay, you’re going to be okay.”
Why did he come here? Going home would’ve been smarter. Drive directly from the airport, to his house, lock himself away and let all of this out. That was the plan anyway. He was halfway there when he passed Sebastian’s house and through blurry eyes saw that his bedroom light was on. How far out of it do you have to be when you could half swear that the car decided to turn down his driveway on it’s own and you don’t realize that you’re knocking on someone’s door until they have you by the shoulders and are dragging you into the house? ‘I got you. It’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay,’ Sebastian’s voice came in an echo and Blaine only shook his head following without a fight to wherever he was lead.
Deflating onto the edge of the sofa–or was it a bed?–in a heap of limbs that didn’t want to work anymore–Blaine tried to turtle himself behind his arms and hands until he felt a gentle touch guiding one wrist down and a slender arm wrapping around his shoulders. As if that touch was the last thing to break him–the tears he held in became unstoppable. He was partially wrapped around Sebastian with his forehead touching a pale collarbone peeking out from the neck of Sebastian’s shirt by the time he could manage to mutter, “I told him–and it’s over. It’s done–. Sebastian? What did I do to him?”
As much as Sebastian would like to pretend otherwise, he tended to agree with the others. He’d screwed up bad. He thought if he just proved to Blaine that he was BETTER than Kurt, that he could humiliatebeat him, that that would somehow bring Blaine to him. That if he just WON the National’s, Blaine would realize how good of a fit they were, and Kurt would be forgotten. He realized after Dave, how wrong he’d been. He couldn’t prove anything to Blaine if he didn’t believe it first. All his life he’d tried to prove he was worth it. That he was worth his father’s attention, no matter if by his academics excellence, or by his teenager misdeeds. That he was worth more than the people who’d judge him for his sex, sexuality, personality or anything he was born with. His father had made him feel that that was the only way he’d ever grab someone’s appreciation. But he’d learned it differently, no matter how long it’d took, and now it seemed that maybe, perhaps, Blaine thought he was worth it, even if he couldn’t prove it. Even if there was no way to prove it to someone that didn’t want to see, it didn’t seem to matter, because it looked like Blaine ALREADY thought it. Could he dream of it? His breath was audible in the room when Blaine’s warm hand met his skin. His blood pumping thick in his throat against Blaine’s palm, as he let his own hand be held like he’d always hated to, but that with BLAINE felt so easy. The words made him breathe in. The way Blaine said “we”, the way it felt hearing him actually put them together like that. For a long time Sebastian had felt like he just didn’t deserve Blaine leaving anyone just to be with him. But right then, he was willing to hope.
As he opened his eyes into Blaine’s, he saw the anguished light in them, and his eyebrows screwed together. He could hear it, of course. He’d always known what Blaine’s words really meant. He could hear the beg, and he was as always tempted to give in. To comfort and care for Blaine as it’d become his second nature astonishingly fast. But something in him wasn’t so ready to let go this time around. Wanted to hold on just a little longer because it felt as though they were so close. As though he were so close to finding out what it felt like to have Blaine to himself. The mere dream of a thought made him dizzy. Blaine was everything. “Honest.” He said, then, more firmly than he’d expected himself to be able to. The brush of their knees and the warmth on his neck seeming to get him just drunk enough on the heat to keep going. “Aren’t you lying to him?” He asked, licking over his lips and feeling his own skin grow feverish as he slid even closer to Blaine. An urgent tone to his every word. “Aren’t you lying to him every day you tell him nothing’s going on? When he says my name, aren’t you lying to him when you tell him I don’t matter? You’re already hurting him, Blaine.” You’re hurting all of us. And wasn’t that the truth? “Blaine, please.” Blaine might have qualms against begging out loud but Sebastian didn’t. He’d beg for Blaine as long as he had to. If Blaine had pushed him aside, he could handle it. But what he couldn’t do was walk away when Blaine’s eyes seemed to be asking him to stay. “I get it…” He said softly, as he raised his free hand to caress Blaine’s wrist on his throat. “I get it, killer… You’re so freaking good… But sometimes.” He held his breath as he leaned in, gaze begging as he almost let their noses brush, speaking over Blaine’s lips as he let it for him to take the final step. “Sometimes we have to be a little selfish. Because sometimes being good doesn’t really help anyone.”
Blaine felt the first lines and cracks of his heart begin to shatter to pieces the longer they sat in this position. So close but miles and miles apart because he was the one doing this to them. He stared into a sea of green that begged him to yield–begged him to love Sebastian back–begged him to let go and meet him halfway more than physically. Everything Sebastian was asking–if it happened a year ago–Blaine knew he’d give it to him freely because it was killing him not to give it to him now. Even if it was? He wasn’t the only one suffering. One look into Sebastian’s eyes was proof that Sebastian was hurting worse. And–oh God–that was something Blaine never wanted. For someone to hurt over him. When his plea went ignored–Blaine’s thumb pressed in gently against the strip of skin along Sebastian’s throat it was making circles on. He debated pulling away. Chalking this up to another mistake. Say that he didn’t know he was looking at him the way Blaine knew he was. Play stupid. Play oblivious. Everyone–including himself–knew that he could be exactly that so very often. Maybe this time he could take advantage of it for once and get away without damaging them to the point of no return. It was a cheat–shallow and without a doubt the opposite of his motto of courage. But–maybe being cowardly this time was something he could forgive himself for rather than never being able to if he was the one who took the jump.
As soon as the question came–the ever-present burning in his eyes finally gave way to blurry vision and tears barely held back behind long, thick lashes. Closer. Sebastian slid closer then and Blaine’s skin burned underneath the feathery touch on his wrist.. The other set of fingers balled up his shirt and squeezed tight against his shoulder. –Yes, I’m hurting him. Yes, I’m hurting you. Who am I anymore?– Keeping his eyes unfocused and blind as he met Sebastian’s again–a wrinkle of guilt and longing creased between his brows. Blaine was hinging on every word he said. Their new closeness made his heart grow warm, his lips tingle. ‘Please..,’ but the word was silent and barely caused his lips to move. “I’m so sorry I’m hurting anyone. I’m not good. Good people don’t do this..” A splash of wet fell from his jaw and hit Sebastian’s wrist when their noses brushed. Again–he listened. His chest hitched and his breath stopped. Sebastian’s gaze begged as hard as he felt himself doing the same inside. He wasn’t getting any reprieve from this–was he? There was breath moving over his mouth. Warm and soft and a caress of a promise if he just leaned in and did what he was too petrified to do. There’d be no going back after that. No more times where he could say he was faithful and devoted. Considerate and kind. Kind people don’t lean in closer. Kind people don’t clutch onto another boy’s shoulder when you are so, so taken.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry..” Kind people don’t close their eyes and feel tears trickling down the bridge of their nose and not stop before you can’t feel where your breath ends and another person’s begins. Nor to they nod and groan when the motion brushes their lips together with ones who shouldn’t be there in fidelity terms but there is no planet you want to be on where they aren’t right where you need them to be. Here. A breath away until even that space is gone. And you’re falling into the first taste of a mouth that has you reeling as the rest the world outside that kiss just–goes away.
Blaine avoided this conversation for as long as he could. Sebastian’s number was a press of his thumb on his phone away more times than he could count. Days went by. His I’ll think about it. I promise..just give me time felt like a punch not only to his stomach but he knew that every passing minute he kept Sebastian waiting certainly felt like the same to him, too. It wasn’t something he ever wanted to to do him. None of this was. And he was getting really good at making those blunders lately. However, Sebastian was too important to him–whether he believed it or not—to lose. And the worst? Too important to let go of. To face the idea that he’d tell Sebastian no and end up losing what he knew Sebastian felt for him? It was greedy and selfish and awful–but Blaine was petrified he would. So? He thought a couple days longer. Put things off and let himself live in a world that for one more day Sebastian Smythe–wanted him. And inside those days? He’d made a terrible mistake. One that he could take back. Not from Kurt, not from himself and not from the boy who wouldn’t understand why it wasn’t him.
Feeling his insides shake–Blaine delivered the news with a guilt ridden whisper and a stare that was deadlocked onto the tabletop. He couldn’t break up with Kurt, he couldn’t do that to him. What he didn’t deliver was that–within days–it wouldn’t be his decision. A trip to New York City was planned and Blaine knew that he was probably going to lose it all anyway (he deserved to) which was why–. More selfishness flooded in and he swallowed the guilt chasing after because he was desperate. “I can’t lose this, too,” he whispered in a cracked voice after Sebastian’s peck was delivered to his cheek. “Sebastian. Wait. Wait,” his voice grew in strength and volume as he was suddenly behind the taller of the pair. Blaine gripped his elbow trying to get him to stop and face him. “Don’t go. Can we just–talk? Please?”
pianokeysandbowties back up 