// i just got in from what i thought was going to be one of my closest friend’s viewings but turned out to be the whole funeral. was not prepared for that. or for his mom breaking down against my chest. yeah. 1000000% not prepared for that either. i’ll be here lurking tonight. might write, might just watch some television. either way? i just wanted to let you people know i freaking adore every one of you and please, if you love someone? tell them. today.
Rachel didn´t like to think about the day she had heard about Finn´s death. She didn´t like to think about how it had felt like someone had ripped out her heart, thrown it to the ground and repeatedly stepped on it. She had never really lost someone. A grandma, yes, but she had been too little to comprehend it and this? This was entirely different. It wasn´t like she had necessarily been head over heels in love with Finn anymore, but he had been her person. Her first love. And part of her had thought that, maybe, at some point they would get it together and be a couple. Maybe it had been wishful thinking, and not the best idea, but it had been there, inside her head and heart, and now that this possibility had been taken from her she had no idea how to deal with it all.
She snuggled closer against Blaine then, letting him tangle their legs together. He had lost a friend too. Kurt had lost a brother. They had all lost Finn and while life had to go on ( Like the show had to go on, or all over the place, like Finn had always said ) it was hard to just pull herself together. She´d have to go back to NYADA at some point though, they had given her two weeks off, but she knew Finn wouldn´t have wanted her to fall behind.
She sighed as she buried her face against Blaine´s chest. “I love you too…and I`m sorry I´m putting all of this on you.” She whispered. “I know it´s hard on you too.” She stifled another yawn. “And you´ve been so kind. So thank you.”
“Please don’t think of apologizing to me. That should be the last thing from your mind. I just want to be here..” Yes, he lost Finn and damn it there was a giant of a quarterback sized hole in his heart that’d been there ever since he got the call asking him to come to the Hummel-Hudson house. But. Rachel and Kurt needed him more than he felt like he had the right to lean on them. His loss wasn’t any less significant. There’s really no comparison when it comes to grieving and it’s, definitely, not something to try and ‘one-up’ anyone over. It wasn’t anything like that. They just needed him and he made a promise to Burt that he’d make sure to be here if only to LISTEN. Whatever the two of them needed, he’d give it freely. And deal with his pain in pieces with them when they could take it. Or silently when he didn’t think they could.
“Of course. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” Gentle, careful fingers began to lace their way through Rachel’s hair and his free hand scooped hers up to hold both against his chest. His pulse was steady and strong and there to give her something to focus on. Breathing deep, fingertips lightly grazed over her scalp and he sighed towards the ceiling.
Blaine’s fingers never stopped playing with her hair as he let his eyes fall shut. He didn’t need to open his eyes when he felt the bed budge next to him. Kurt was here and there were a pair of arms wrapped around him and one leg stretched over both his and Rachel’s. “Get some rest. Both of you. Breakfast in the morning. Don’t forget.”
This was probably the first time Rachel wasn´t really paying any attention to the movie they were watching, but she was more focused on Blaine and the warmth she felt as he held her. For the first time she also didn´t feel like crying when someone was holding her. Maybe it was because he wasn´t telling her that things would be alright eventually, but because he was simply HOLDING her, without expecting anything of her. He was just making conversation and she could feel herself relaxing slowly in his arms.
Kurt really was a lucky guy, but then again she had known that from the moment she had met Blaine. He had always been fantastic and sometimes even Rachel forgot that he was probably suffering as much as them. With his fingertips against her cheeks she blinked up at him, lips curving into a smile. “I´m not leaving you hanging, no way.” She then smiled. “I could never do that.”
“And it always depends. Some people need coffee before doing yoga and some need it afterwards. Some do both,” She chuckled, leaning into his touch. “I usually get coffee afterwards. And subways are something you get used to. Just stick to my side and you´ll be fine.” Rachel then added, letting out a content sigh. “And I´d never want to get rid of you, why would I even try? You´re the best thing that happened to me,” She then mumbled, suppressing a yawn.
The corners of Blaine’s eyes crinkled with the genuine smile hearing Rachel say he was the best thing that happened to her brought. Honestly, having Rachel in his life was pretty high up on his list of bests too. Regardless of how quirky she could be at times. Others, downright crazy demanding.. She was one of the people dearest and nearest to his heart. No amount of temper tantrums or time or distance could dampen that. As far as Blaine was concerned? She was stuck with him for the rest of her life. Cause he couldn’t imagine the rest of his without her in it.
After recovering from a yawn that watching her do the same instinctively drew out of him, Blaine nuzzled down against her forehead and let his eyes fall shut.
“Just don’t ever give up being you. No matter what. You are perfect, Rachel Berry. Never forget that,” he whispered, “No get some rest. I’ll stay here for a little while longer. I’ll make sure you’re okay. Promise.” Wrapping her up in his arms and tangling their legs together sealed the deal.
Unseen above her head where his chin rested lightly so they could fit together just right, Blaine rolled his eyes towards the ceiling and repeated the same mantra in his head that he had from the night he got the phone that he needed to get to the Hudson-Hummel household as fast as possible.
Burt’s voice was broken, he wouldn’t answer any of Blaine’s questions. The panic that swelled up inside his chest as he frantically ran out of the house in his pajamas and a jacket pushed the pedal to the bottom of his floorboards the longer he talked to him on the phone in his car. Only to walk in on the most devastating sobs from a grown man and woman he’d ever heard. That night was the first he begged for forgiveness of all the hurt he forced Finn to help Kurt through. For the disappointment that he saw in Finn’s eyes twice by his choices. He swore that he’d be right here. Where he was…and make everything as okay as he could. He was sorry. “I love you, Rachel.. Kurt loves you, too.” Hopefully his fiance’ would stay asleep a bit longer.
A part
of Rachel wondered whether Blaine was just saying these things so she wouldn´t
feel worse about herself. She didn´t want to think that he was lying, but
Blaine was a kind soul who´d never actually call her a burden. She herself,
however, felt like one, because there was nothing she could do to control the
overwhelming grief she was struck by. Losing Finn had felt like the ground
being pulled from under her feet and ever since then she had been falling. Most
of the days she managed to put on a brave face and a smile, but whenever she
came home the façade crumbled rather quickly.
Having
Blaine here was helping though, and Kurt too of course, but he was just as
affected by this like Rachel was and sometimes it helped to hug him, but sometimes
it made things worse.
She
kept her eyes on the tv, focusing on the way he was playing with her hair,
slowly relaxing. The tightness in her chest was slowly dissolving and at his
words she almost smiled. “Mhm…my hair is amazing,” Rachel nodded. “Yours is
pretty nice too, though you do use a bit too much gel,” She then teased.
Alternating between the comb and his fingers running through her hair, Blaine found comfort in the cool, silky strands when their long lengths glided through it. This was better than laying in bed awake, staring at the ceiling and wondering how he was going to piece the two people he loved so deeply back together. Rachel was giving him a way out of his thoughts and she had no clue on how much he appreciated it. He knew her well enough to know she still felt like he was going too far out of his way. She couldn’t be any more wrong. He’d sit here for hours if she’d let him. You know? Between checking in to make sure Kurt was still asleep and not doing exactly what she was saving him from.
Oh God. They were going to be okay. Weren’t they? Somehow. Someway. There was going to come a time where all of them could laugh again without wondering if they should feel guilty about it? How was he supposed to go back to Lima when his heart, mind and soul was stuck right here? Where he was needed most. He made a plan to push his flight back as far as he could as soon as the sun came up.
Seeing a tiny smile from her made his heart skip a beat. That was all he needed to know he was making the right decisions. Lima could stay in Lima. It’d be waiting for him when he decided to go back and that was okay. I’ll figure out the rest later. Grinning lightly, he danced the tips of his fingers across her forehead. Then let the edge of his pointer drag down the bridge of her nose to the very end. Tap, tap. “There’s never enough gel when it comes to my hair. Or is it? Are you saying I should lay off a little, Miss Berry? I think..I mean..maybe I can?”
Rachel could feel the slight shaking of Blaine´s body and
she could tell that he was crying too. She adored him even more for trying to
hold it together for her sake, though she would have never expected him to do
that. He had a right to grieve about their loss as much as Kurt or her did and
he shouldn´t be the one trying to bear it all. They were all in this together
and as hard as it was sometimes Rachel felt as if they were lucky that they had
each other.
She held onto him for a little longer, trying to take deep
breaths and to calm herself down so he´d get a chance to do the same. Sometimes
she felt better once she´d let it all out and with someone there by her side it
was a lot easier.
Once they moved she watched as he took her hands and rested
them against his chest, a tentative smile tugging on the corners of her lips.
It felt good, to feel the steady heartbeat and the warmth beneath her fingers,
knowing that he was alive and here. When he told her that he´d be back she
nodded, taking a few deep breaths, trying to figure out if she´d be alright.
After a minute she decided that she was good, or well…alright. And alright was
much better than she had felt just a few minutes ago.
When he finally returned she offered him a smile, tears on
her cheeks having dried. “No…thank you.” Rachel the muttered, “I´m fine. Just
tea.” She glanced up at Blaine. “Do you…maybe want to watch a movie? You don´t
have to if you want to go back to sleep,” She wouldn´t keep him from returning
to Kurt and their warm bed, but Rachel couldn´t deny that she was hoping he´d
stay.
Oh God, he just wanted to make her feel better. Kurt, too. Feeling this helpless was awful. Fetching tea and holding someone tight didn’t seem like enough. Common sense told him that’s all they could do for one another. Be there, be close. But he wanted to do more. He wanted to fix the unfixable. And it was the most awful, powerless feeling in the world. Seeing Rachel’s face dry was one small victory that brought him a bit of peace and he’d hang onto it for as long as he could. Use whatever strength it gave him to just keep trying to ease their ache.
They were all too young for this. Too young to lose brothers or lovers or.. If he started thinking on how unfair this was again, he was going to get as frustrated as he did every time that happened. Beyond the furthest meaning of the world. None of this was fair. Unanswered questions and a total lack of any sort of reason or purpose of someone being stolen away was all they had. It was nauseating.
“Okay. Tea it is then,” Blaine waited until she had a firm grip on her mug before he took a sip from his own and crossed back over to ‘his side’ of the bed. He already had one knee about to hit the mattress when she asked him if he minded staying to watch a movie. Rachel was still wide awake and Blaine already planned on staying close until she drifted off again.
Smiling softly as he gingerly sat the mug on the nightstand and stood back up again, he shrugged and went to her bookcase to fetch whatever movie she picked out. “I didn’t plan on going away until you were asleep. Of course I’ll watch a movie with you. Any movie you want. Want some Barbra? Or how about Audrey?”
Rachel knew there was nothing to apologize for. Not
considering the situation they were in, and yet she felt like she had to
apologize, because Blaine was affected by this as much as she was and yet he
found the strength to somehow support her, and Kurt too.
Sometimes Rachel still couldn’t believe that Finn was gone.
They might not have been a couple, and maybe they wouldn’t have become one
again either, but they would have always had a special connection with each
other and it would have worked out one way or another.
That chance had been taken from them though and Rachel
couldn’t deal with that. She held onto Blaine tightly, sobbing into his
shoulder until it felt as if she had no more tears to spend. She sighed,
exhausting taking over as she slumped against him.
“Thank you…” She finally whispered, the answer to something
said minutes ago. “And…maybe.” She couldn’t promise that she´d get out of the
apartment. She had taken two weeks off NYADA, starting when they had all gone
back to Lima to celebrate Finn´s life, but one week was already done and when she
had returned to New York neither her nor Kurt had left the apartment.
Rachel sighed again, pulling back slightly, but still
holding on to Blaine. “Do you…want to make some tea?”
Blaine was doing his best to hold it together for both their sakes and he thought he was doing a pretty good job of it until Rachel started to sob into his shoulder. That’s when he couldn’t hold back. Tears beaded at the corners of shut eyes before they fell into the dark chestnut strands of hair he was nuzzled down into.
Keeping his breathing steady as possible, he traced circles between her shoulders with one hand. Not letting go, not even for a beat, he cried with her as quietly as he could. When she calmed and went still, her weight drew him out of it far enough that the tears came to an end.
“You’re welcome,” his voice was uneven but he nodded taking what he could get as far as his idea that they should all go out. “I’ll take a maybe. A maybe is a lot better than a no.”
Closing his hands over both of hers and leaning back, Blaine rested her palms against his chest letting her feel the warmth there. Thumbs ran back and forth over the edges of her palms. “Yeah. I can do that,” a kiss was pressed to her forehead, “Wait here.”
The heels of his palms dug into the hollows of his eyes as he walked to the kitchen and fought the urge to cry the whole way there. His pieces were glued together flimsily, no way would he be able to do it again before he had to go back to her. Splashing water from the sink up to wash his face before filling the kettle and fixing their mugs just right, he pressed the button and waited. Agonizing minutes later, the kettle shut itself off and he returned to her side of the bed, speaking softly in case she fell asleep. “Tea’s ready.. You sure you don’t want a snack, too?”
Her eyes became hard as s t e e l as she glances over at the other. She could feel the air turn c o l d e r around her as her withering gaze found theirs and her fists c l e n c h e d at her sides with the vice grip that turns her knuckles the p u r e s t of white.
; ; ; “ Nothing is OKAY, so stop telling me that. Nothing will EVER be okay… again. “ she b r e a k s off, her voice breaking at the end and her gaze, though still h a r d, softening with the weight of the tears in her eyes.
Blaine understood the girl’s frustration, hurt and most of all her ANGER. Because he experienced every single twist and stomach wrenching, drop-you-to-your-knees feeling she is going through. And, sometimes, he still does.Telling her that wouldn’t help her. It’d only make things worse knowing that as time passes the ache might dim, dull, and fade. Even turn to happiness and delight but there are still storms to weather that build into hurricanes you can only stare into the eye of when you realize how unhelpful you are to yourself or anyone else.
To be able to actually affect someone standing in front of him. That can listen and let you have hope knowing you made them smile. That’s what gets him through his dark. Maybe he could help her get through hers? “I know how it feels to hurt. I know how it feels to be so frustrated that you feel it burning inside your veins. But,” his fingertips lifted from the water in the birdbath he’d been playing with to wiggle the water droplets off. “You’re not alone now. You have me. I don’t know how much that means to you but I’m not leaving you. Okay?”
pianokeysandbowties back up 