Rachel wasn´t paying too much attention to the movie
anymore, which was saying something considering it was one of her favorites.
Still, having Blaine close by and simply focusing on his words and movements
was doing her good and so she spent all the energy she still had left on that.
She couldn´t even begin to thank him for staying, and for being strong when she
couldn´t be. Finn had been his friend too and he was grieving, just like
everyone else, and now he was being strong for three: Kurt, her and himself. He
was hurting too, Rachel had noticed the redness in his eyes and how he had
tried to hide it from her and Kurt, even though there was no reason for it.
Still. She was grateful for him staying and she had to admit
that she was looking forward to him moving to New York permanently even more. “Is
that your way of getting me out the house?” Rachel asked, her lips curving into
a light smile. “If so: It´s working. I couldn´t leave one of my best friends to
his own devices on his new path, could I?”
Rachel snuggled up to him a little tighter then, letting out
a content sigh. “Well.” She then eventually added. “Speaking of blend: You need
to find your perfect coffee shop. One that does your coffee just right and has
everything you need. And of course you´ll need the right yoga class. That´s a
must.”
Feeling her warmth against his body, Blaine let himself relax into it. He needed this nearness more than he let on underneath the veil of simply wanting to make her feel better by any means possible. Including holding her in the tangled mess of his arms and legs. But the act wasn’t completely selfless either. Holding her close gave him the means to find comfort in her presence. Her breathing against him was soothing beyond words and he was certain that if he stayed like this, they could both drift off for a while. Maybe soon. Or maybe not at all. Good thought anyway, right? If not? No worries. This suited him just fine.
“Yeah. It was. I didn’t do a very good job at hiding the ulterior motive behind my proposal but,” he hummed down into the siken coolness of her hair and shrugged one shoulder because that was all he could manage in this position. “I’m guilty of wanting us all to get out. Not really sorry for it though. I think it’d do us some good.” Trailing the tips of his fingers against her cheek, he lifted up to squint down at her thoughtfully. “Don’t you? And. Nope. You can’t leave me like that. Who knows what trouble I’ll get into? Just another eason for you to go.”
“Yoga and coffee? In which order do I combine the two? I want to make sure I’m doing it right,” he teased lightly. “What about the subway? What’s your trick for navigating that? I know there’s an app and some maps but it felt like more luck-of-the-draw actually catching them on time or not messing up the letters. So much to learn. When you think about it? So little time. Crazy how close it is to you not being able to get rid of me no matter how badly you want. Isn’t it?”
Maybe this was part of why she was so glad that he was still
here. He could make her feel better about everything in an instant and she
didn´t even feel guilty for smiling. Rachel knew it was a stupid thing, to feel
guilty about feeling better in the first place, Finn would have wanted her to
be happy again, but sometimes she couldn´t help it. She knew Kurt felt the same
way and whenever they talked about it they started crying. Right now she didn´t
feel like crying at all though, she felt like smiling.
“You know,” She began, yelping slightly when she was pulled
even closer to him. Her lips curved into a smile and for a moment Rachel simply
relaxed, closing her eyes. So what if being happy wasn´t all that bad? It
didn´t mean that losing Finn hurt any less, but maybe this was their way to
deal with it. “You should,” She finally spoke again, turning her head ever
slightly so she could look up at him. “And you shouldn´t worry so much about
it. Honestly, it looks great.”
Her lips were still curled into a smile, her full attention
on Blaine now and the movie almost forgotten as it played in the background. “It´s
what makes you stick out, you know? And I mean in a good way. People will
remember you by that hair and in New York you´ll want to be remembered. Maybe
keep it that way as long as you´re here and then when you´re here for good you
can let the curls run free again,” Rachel smiled, snuggling into him even
further. “Barbra dared to be bold and stuck to her true self, so you should do
the same. Finn was always true to himself and that´s what I loved about him.”
Now that they were snuggled in so close together that he had the chance to wrap his arms completely around her, Blaine did exactly that after relaxing back against the wall of pillows she had on her bed (seriously, how does such a tiny person need this many pillows?) for support. Then used his hold, first dropping the leg beside her and stretching it out, to pull her right up against his chest. Once there, with relative ease and a little nudging, Rachel was cradled between his knees once he was in the clear to bend the one he nudged her over again. There. Perfect. Rachel had herself a Blaine cocoon and he had a pillow to rest his chin down on top of. That being her thick hair and the top of her head.
A laugh huffed out of his chest, breath warm across the strands of hair just under his mouth. “Okay. Deal. I try walking around with moderate to light gel in my hair for the next couple of days and you have to go out to dinner with me and Kurt so I have two people to hide me from view if I start to get self conscious about it. Fair enough?” One foot went in the direction of the nearest blanket that was no where close enough for him to reach without messing up their very comfortable position.
“You should grab that because I’m thinking a blanket is the only way to make this even better.” A little warmth would do them both some good. His mind wandered to Kurt in the ‘room’ not very far off. If he woke up, he’d know to come here. They could make a pile on the bed for all he cared. The closer they were to each other, it seemed the less it hurt. There was healing there, right? Before..it was 50/50 on if it made things better or reminded them of who they lost. “Any other tips for how I should blend, but not too much, for this soon to be brand new New Yorker?”
A part
of Rachel wondered whether Blaine was just saying these things so she wouldn´t
feel worse about herself. She didn´t want to think that he was lying, but
Blaine was a kind soul who´d never actually call her a burden. She herself,
however, felt like one, because there was nothing she could do to control the
overwhelming grief she was struck by. Losing Finn had felt like the ground
being pulled from under her feet and ever since then she had been falling. Most
of the days she managed to put on a brave face and a smile, but whenever she
came home the façade crumbled rather quickly.
Having
Blaine here was helping though, and Kurt too of course, but he was just as
affected by this like Rachel was and sometimes it helped to hug him, but sometimes
it made things worse.
She
kept her eyes on the tv, focusing on the way he was playing with her hair,
slowly relaxing. The tightness in her chest was slowly dissolving and at his
words she almost smiled. “Mhm…my hair is amazing,” Rachel nodded. “Yours is
pretty nice too, though you do use a bit too much gel,” She then teased.
Alternating between the comb and his fingers running through her hair, Blaine found comfort in the cool, silky strands when their long lengths glided through it. This was better than laying in bed awake, staring at the ceiling and wondering how he was going to piece the two people he loved so deeply back together. Rachel was giving him a way out of his thoughts and she had no clue on how much he appreciated it. He knew her well enough to know she still felt like he was going too far out of his way. She couldn’t be any more wrong. He’d sit here for hours if she’d let him. You know? Between checking in to make sure Kurt was still asleep and not doing exactly what she was saving him from.
Oh God. They were going to be okay. Weren’t they? Somehow. Someway. There was going to come a time where all of them could laugh again without wondering if they should feel guilty about it? How was he supposed to go back to Lima when his heart, mind and soul was stuck right here? Where he was needed most. He made a plan to push his flight back as far as he could as soon as the sun came up.
Seeing a tiny smile from her made his heart skip a beat. That was all he needed to know he was making the right decisions. Lima could stay in Lima. It’d be waiting for him when he decided to go back and that was okay. I’ll figure out the rest later. Grinning lightly, he danced the tips of his fingers across her forehead. Then let the edge of his pointer drag down the bridge of her nose to the very end. Tap, tap. “There’s never enough gel when it comes to my hair. Or is it? Are you saying I should lay off a little, Miss Berry? I think..I mean..maybe I can?”
Rachel didn’t want to be selfish, especially not in times
like these, but she didn´t know how to change. Not right now. She knew Blaine
felt the pain too, and he probably felt Kurt´s as well. And now here she was,
burdening him with hers as well. She took a deep breath to calm herself down,
not wanting to cause any more trouble. Maybe watching a movie together would
give them both a chance to relax and maybe they´d fall asleep. Or she´d fall
asleep and he´d be able to get back to Kurt, because as much as Rachel hated
the thought of waking up alone she didn’t want Kurt to experience it either.
“I´m more in the mood for Audrey, too.” She agreed then. The
truth was: Barbra reminded her too much of Finn and while the woman would
still, and always, be her icon, Rachel would need a little time. Once the DVD
was in the player she offered Blaine a smile and moved so he could brush her
hair. “I love you too, and I`m sorry for being such a burden.” She said
quietly, eyes fixed on the TV.
She leaned into his touch then, trying to focus on the movie
and the way his fingers in her hair could distract her from her pain.
Blaine’s heart sank when Rachel apologized for being a burden. Of all the things Rachel Berry was to him? And there were many crowns this particular woman could wear on her head in his life story. First girl (and only) girl he ever kissed. First girl he ever took on a date. Duet partner. Friend. Confidant. Competitor. Probably a dozen more. Some of which were even yet unknown to them both? Rachel could never be a burden. Especially tonight. “Rachel. I can use a lot of words to describe you and what you mean to me. That one, though? Never. Not in a million years, okay? Put that thought away. It doesn’t belong here tonight. Never will. I promise.”
Gently laying her hair out across his lap, he started to comb it carefully making sure never to pull a single strand. The first few strokes of the brush were so light, they barely counted until he settled on what kind of motions to make. His gaze flicked up to the television as the previews ended and the movie started. The brush paused, his fingers swept through and he started over again.
Kurt must have been well into sleep. Not a single peep from their ‘room’ even with the television on. “You know.. I bet there are so many women who pass you by wishing they had hair like this. It’s gorgeous.” Mindless chatter with the hum of his voice and the television. Just his way of keeping her mind as elsewhere as he could lead it.
Rachel could feel the slight shaking of Blaine´s body and
she could tell that he was crying too. She adored him even more for trying to
hold it together for her sake, though she would have never expected him to do
that. He had a right to grieve about their loss as much as Kurt or her did and
he shouldn´t be the one trying to bear it all. They were all in this together
and as hard as it was sometimes Rachel felt as if they were lucky that they had
each other.
She held onto him for a little longer, trying to take deep
breaths and to calm herself down so he´d get a chance to do the same. Sometimes
she felt better once she´d let it all out and with someone there by her side it
was a lot easier.
Once they moved she watched as he took her hands and rested
them against his chest, a tentative smile tugging on the corners of her lips.
It felt good, to feel the steady heartbeat and the warmth beneath her fingers,
knowing that he was alive and here. When he told her that he´d be back she
nodded, taking a few deep breaths, trying to figure out if she´d be alright.
After a minute she decided that she was good, or well…alright. And alright was
much better than she had felt just a few minutes ago.
When he finally returned she offered him a smile, tears on
her cheeks having dried. “No…thank you.” Rachel the muttered, “I´m fine. Just
tea.” She glanced up at Blaine. “Do you…maybe want to watch a movie? You don´t
have to if you want to go back to sleep,” She wouldn´t keep him from returning
to Kurt and their warm bed, but Rachel couldn´t deny that she was hoping he´d
stay.
Oh God, he just wanted to make her feel better. Kurt, too. Feeling this helpless was awful. Fetching tea and holding someone tight didn’t seem like enough. Common sense told him that’s all they could do for one another. Be there, be close. But he wanted to do more. He wanted to fix the unfixable. And it was the most awful, powerless feeling in the world. Seeing Rachel’s face dry was one small victory that brought him a bit of peace and he’d hang onto it for as long as he could. Use whatever strength it gave him to just keep trying to ease their ache.
They were all too young for this. Too young to lose brothers or lovers or.. If he started thinking on how unfair this was again, he was going to get as frustrated as he did every time that happened. Beyond the furthest meaning of the world. None of this was fair. Unanswered questions and a total lack of any sort of reason or purpose of someone being stolen away was all they had. It was nauseating.
“Okay. Tea it is then,” Blaine waited until she had a firm grip on her mug before he took a sip from his own and crossed back over to ‘his side’ of the bed. He already had one knee about to hit the mattress when she asked him if he minded staying to watch a movie. Rachel was still wide awake and Blaine already planned on staying close until she drifted off again.
Smiling softly as he gingerly sat the mug on the nightstand and stood back up again, he shrugged and went to her bookcase to fetch whatever movie she picked out. “I didn’t plan on going away until you were asleep. Of course I’ll watch a movie with you. Any movie you want. Want some Barbra? Or how about Audrey?”
Rachel knew there was nothing to apologize for. Not
considering the situation they were in, and yet she felt like she had to
apologize, because Blaine was affected by this as much as she was and yet he
found the strength to somehow support her, and Kurt too.
Sometimes Rachel still couldn’t believe that Finn was gone.
They might not have been a couple, and maybe they wouldn’t have become one
again either, but they would have always had a special connection with each
other and it would have worked out one way or another.
That chance had been taken from them though and Rachel
couldn’t deal with that. She held onto Blaine tightly, sobbing into his
shoulder until it felt as if she had no more tears to spend. She sighed,
exhausting taking over as she slumped against him.
“Thank you…” She finally whispered, the answer to something
said minutes ago. “And…maybe.” She couldn’t promise that she´d get out of the
apartment. She had taken two weeks off NYADA, starting when they had all gone
back to Lima to celebrate Finn´s life, but one week was already done and when she
had returned to New York neither her nor Kurt had left the apartment.
Rachel sighed again, pulling back slightly, but still
holding on to Blaine. “Do you…want to make some tea?”
Blaine was doing his best to hold it together for both their sakes and he thought he was doing a pretty good job of it until Rachel started to sob into his shoulder. That’s when he couldn’t hold back. Tears beaded at the corners of shut eyes before they fell into the dark chestnut strands of hair he was nuzzled down into.
Keeping his breathing steady as possible, he traced circles between her shoulders with one hand. Not letting go, not even for a beat, he cried with her as quietly as he could. When she calmed and went still, her weight drew him out of it far enough that the tears came to an end.
“You’re welcome,” his voice was uneven but he nodded taking what he could get as far as his idea that they should all go out. “I’ll take a maybe. A maybe is a lot better than a no.”
Closing his hands over both of hers and leaning back, Blaine rested her palms against his chest letting her feel the warmth there. Thumbs ran back and forth over the edges of her palms. “Yeah. I can do that,” a kiss was pressed to her forehead, “Wait here.”
The heels of his palms dug into the hollows of his eyes as he walked to the kitchen and fought the urge to cry the whole way there. His pieces were glued together flimsily, no way would he be able to do it again before he had to go back to her. Splashing water from the sink up to wash his face before filling the kettle and fixing their mugs just right, he pressed the button and waited. Agonizing minutes later, the kettle shut itself off and he returned to her side of the bed, speaking softly in case she fell asleep. “Tea’s ready.. You sure you don’t want a snack, too?”
It wasn´t what he was here for and Rachel couldn´t help but
feel guilty.
Blaine was hurting too, even if it was in a different way.
The three of them, and the others too of course, were barely hanging on by a
thread and nobody really knew how to deal with it. Not at this time of the
night, when the nightmares came and she had Finn in her arms, only for him to
be ripped away from her once more and then again when she woke up and reality
slapped her in the face.
Rachel felt the tears stinging in her eyes as she struggled
to breathe, just curling up in Blaine´s arms. It was selfish of her, she was
well aware of that, but she couldn´t make it stop.
“I´m sorry…” She mumbled again, trying to hold in the sobs
that were threatening to escape her throat, but the attempt just had her body
shaking. “I just…I wish…I…” Rachel tried but broke off, because Blaine knew
what she was going to say anyway. She clung to him, burying her face against
his shoulder.
Feeling Rachel curling into him–Blaine’s arms held her tight and his legs tangled up with hers just for the added reassurance that he wasn’t going anywhere. The tip of his nose buried into her hair before he pressed a kiss to her forehead and pulled his head back far enough on the pillow that he could catch her attention to give her a small, encouraging smile.
Then she was in his shoulder and he let her hide away. If for no other reason than to give himself a chance to figure out what to say and do. Whatever she needed? He’d give it.
“No apologies, Rachel Not now. Not ever. Especially not for me being here..” Blaine did his best to reassure her. She had no reason to feel guilty for him wanting to help her. That’s what friends are for. “I love you, Rachel.. I’ve got you.”
One arm shifted along her back–long fingers sank into thick strands of her bed crazy hair. Yeah, he got it. They all wished. “Maybe tomorrow we can go for coffee. The three of us. Take a walk down the block to the nearest shop. It’d be good to get out..,” he whispered soothingly trying to give her something to focus on.
Olive fingers laced through ivory and he held onto Kurt sleeping next to him like the two of them might spiral out into space if he let go. Blaine never fell asleep before his fiance’. Not once since this trip back to New York did he allow himself even a wink until Kurt’s breathing was steady, the tears stopped and quiet settled into the loft.
God this quiet. It was stomach churning to lay there awake in. No matter how many times he told himself it didn’t get to him to be the last one awake? He never truly convinced himself.
They were all in pieces. Kurt’s and Rachel’s were just more important to fix but in the middle of the night? His own hurt came in and his head spun with how he was going to glue the three of them back together. Until there was nothing but dark and he was asleep, no real answers coming to mind other than: I’ll just be here..
Rachel. He heard her in the light sleep he’d drifted off to. Kurt was still sleeping and he was now an expert of getting out of bed without stirring him. Blaine was inside ‘her room’ in seconds.
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you. Shh, don’t worry about that. It’s what I’m here for..,” the bed gave a rattle as he climbed into lay beside her, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before she was pulled into his arms.
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