kurt.

It was surprisingly easy to sleep regularly. Kurt expected demons to be insomniacs or not need sleep at all, but they weren’t and they did and even after he started killing he didn’t loose a blink. He hoped tonight would prove surprising as well and he’d just not have to open his eyes until someone woke him. “You’re not an idiot Blaine..” He inhaled sharply. “The night before I left, I stood outside your house until you turned your light off to sleep. It sounds creepy like that,” He chuckled briefly and weakly. “but, I wanted to make sure you were you were safe and sleeping.” He sighed, absently tracing small circles on Blaine’s back with his fingertips.
“I hadn’t talked to anyone besides him all day. I thought if everyone could go one day without a word from me then they could get used to it and I wouldn’t have to feel guilty. I don’t really understand it myself…” He trailed off. He’s pretty sure he chose this story to prove he was dumber than Blaine could possibly be, but he was starting to just mumble as sleep beckoned.

Blaine carded his fingers through Kurt’s hair until he was cupping the back of his head as he listened. A crease of disbelief and hurt formed between his eyebrows as he lifted up on one elbow. Unsure of what to say, Blaine nodded letting fingers graze from Kurt’s hairline to his cheek.  Kurt should have knocked on the door.  Hearing he was within feet of preventing all of this from happening by coming to him?  Instead of choosing to disappear and become–what he was–?  He tried to laugh when Kurt did but couldn’t.  Only a smile came out of the effort but it faded quickly.

Kurt left anyway, choosing that path.  Not the one that lead him up the steps to a pair of arms that would always be waiting for him and to the person who loved him more than anything.  Kurt was wrong. Blaine knew he was an idiot.  Why?  Wasn’t it easy?

Who else other than an idiot would know the truth and suffer through the distance leading up to Kurt leaving that had him questioning everything about himself and only be able to say that ‘loved’ was the wrong word?  He wasn’t happy with Kurt’s choice, not anywhere close. Anger was only a step away and he felt it lingering in the background building up to something he kept ignoring because he was too afraid that if he let it out?  Kurt would be gone and the one emotion he felt above anything else?  That love would break him apart worse if he lost it this go round. Then again?  It was hard to lose something he didn’t even know if he had, wasn’t it? Blaine still wasn’t able to figure that part out.  If Kurt loved him or didn’t.  It was a question he was too afraid to ask. “I could never get used to being without you, Kurt,” he whispered.  “You aren’t that easy for me to let go, you know?”  But–Kurt was mumbling groggily and Blaine wasn’t going to keep pushing.  “Not tonight.  We don’t need to talk about it.  You’re tired.  I’ve got you,” his arm wrapped firmly around Kurt’s middle and pulled him close. “Get some sleep.”

stay.

Kurt closed his eyes and breathed deeply.  “I’ll stay.”  He wouldn’t.  He might not even choose to leave – he suspected Oliver would come and carry him out if he falls asleep – but he would have to all the same.  He wondered if Blaine knew that he might wake up alone. Kurt wondered which would be better.  “Why do you want me here..?”  He breathed.

Blaine wouldn’t let him leave.  Not if he had to fight off sleep tooth and nail.  He needed Kurt to stay.  Watching him go not knowing when or if he’d see him again was becoming such a regular heartache.  He wasn’t sure how much more of it he could stand.  Unknowing. That’s killed him most. They always knew so much.  About each other.  Their present.  Their future.  Blaine lost everything he knew once.  Then he got it back, or so he thought, only to lose it again.  If this was the last string he could tie between then that could make Kurt stay and listen?  He was so determined that take what he could get.  “Because I don’t know if watching you leave is something I can handle tonight,” he answered honestly without pulling away from the curve of Kurt’s throat.  “I know I should let you but there’s so much of me that can’t.  What’s that say about me?  I’m an idiot.  Aren’t I?”

kurt.

Kurt was determined to not completely shut off his emotions. It would be so much easier, but it would defeat the purpose. And knowing Oliver, he might guess or sense that much and come to trip him. He and Blaine did not need to meet today.
“What I did to you was awful Blaine. I will never deny that you have every right to hate me.” He started to reach for Blaine’s hand, cautious about taking hold. “But if I’m going to tell you the truth-the actual truth, then you have to promise me this will never leave this room. I wasn’t supposed to know about Oliver but he broke that rule for me, and I want to break that for you too. Without the part where I turn you into one too.. I’d never want you to go through it I-” He shook his head, letting his eyes close.

Hopefully, he wasn’t too wrapped up in his emotions now. At lease he understood why the others might have fits from time to time. Putting his attention on it to keep it from leaving made everything strong, like all or nothing. The problem lying was a concerned Oliver knocking on the door – unlikely, he’d sit outside and listen in – or more than what he wanted to change changing. Eyes were easy, but so were veins and nails and that might be too much for Blaine today.

“You and I both could be hurt if you tell another soul what I’m about to tell you.”

Blaine kept his hand out and waited to see if Kurt would close the distance between them enough to take it.  Hating the fact that for the first time since they were together that he didn’t feel like he had the right to be the one to make a move that should have flowed so naturally between them.  It did nothing to erase how this night kept getting more overwhelming and painful.  Hazel eyes opened wide and stared up at Kurt from where he froze in place on the bed. “Hate you.  I don’t hate you, Kurt.  I don’t think I ever could hate you,” he whispered trying hard to hide the hurt he felt.

In turn he figured he could try to use that pain and cover up the slight feeling of angered betrayal that he was left floundering in Kurt’s absence while Kurt just admitted that–and it was awful to think about–he just didn’t care enough to put it to rest.  He disappeared on his own free will and forgot about who he was leaving behind. Or at this person who hurt him even though Kurt said he knew what was happening?  Confusion, desperate and deep, laced inside it all. He had no idea what to feel and when to feel it to the point that his head was starting to spin trying to figure it out and pick just one.

“What do you mean turn me into one?  Of course I won’t tell anyone.  Do you even have to ask? No one is going to hurt us.  I never would have let anyone hurt you,” if Kurt would have let him went unsaid but didn’t need words to be voiced anyway.  His glance down at his lap said all that need to be.  “All I’m asking is that you explain this to me before my head explodes because I’m not sure I can take many more hints and half-truths.  Talk to me,” he plead again.  Maybe this time Kurt would trust him enough to give him the answers he needed.  Even if they were the ones he didn’t want.

kurt.

He didn’t need to look at Blaine to know what he felt.  Even if it weren’t a feeling, the movement beside him and occasional grip on his hands was a giveaway.  He should feel worse than he does though.  Worse than that, Kurt let himself smile even briefly.  Clearly he wasn’t as prepared as he thought.  This was more than he thought to be prepared for, but he’s not sure why.  After all, it’s Blaine.
But he still promised honesty.  He could be guilty for the past, but he’d tell the truth now – with a vaguely strained voice.

“I wasn’t supposed to.  The rules to going were that no one could know.  I can’t defend what I did before, there was no reason not to tell you I made a friend but I think I just liked having something no one knew about.  A journal would have been considerably easier.”  He trailed off and cleared his throat.  When he looked at Blaine at last, he did so for the purpose of making an impact.  "I don’t even remember the first two months I was gone, Blaine.  I remember waking up after nightmares to find out I’m sweating and bleeding on the floor, or that I broke the only furniture in the room and he had to lock me in to keep me from damaging myself.“  Kurt held that stare for a long minute before he stood and reached for the lock on the door.

With a deep breath, he turned to face Blaine again.  "But y’know…  I didn’t even do it blindly.  He told me what he was before we left.  He wanted to make me into the same and that was a little too scary for me, but in the end I can’t even say I did it for love or something like that.  You’re the only one who’s had my heart.”  He shrugged.  It wasn’t completely true, but it was enough.  The love he’s felt for Oliver isn’t like with Blaine.  He could have had a life with Blaine.  He liked feeling powerful with Oliver or that’s how it started.  "But in the end I’m a greedy little shit that liked the idea of not being human.“

In a total loss of what to say or think, Blaine watched him stand in silence.  He should’ve been talking by the way his mouth moved but the only noises he made were unintelligible beginnings of words.  Blaine stared between Kurt’s hand and the door wondering why he locked them in. Was Kurt afraid he was going to be the one to walk out of his own room?  Not likely. He needed answers.  Needed this feeling of hurt and anger that was first directed at Kurt, then himself and finally this person that Kurt kept talking about who stole him away.  

The one who really deserved it came last on that scale?  How?

Blaine rubbed his face trying to focus on one thing at a time.  “What did he do to you that erased months?  Did he drug you?  I don’t–.”  Part of him, a dark side that balled up fists and punched bags and sometimes people to let itself out wanted to cut this conversation short and go find this guy so he could beat him to a pulp for hurting the person that he loved. Apparently that wasn’t going to happen.  Why not?  “You went into that knowing–,” Blaine learned that, yes, his heart could break even more.  –You’d rather go through hell with someone new then pick up the phone and call me?– 

Who was he looking at?  He was starting to wonder if he knew the person standing in front of him at all. A doubt that cut him like a knife.  Then everything that didn’t make sense grew impossibly worse.  All he managed was a blank blink of ‘what the hell did you say?’.  “What was he?   A junkie?  What did you get wrapped into?  Not human?  Kurt, this doesn’t make sense.. Help me understand,” he reached out leaving it up to Kurt to take his hand wondering if he would even bother, “I don’t know if I can get any more lost.”  Could they just redo this whole conversation?  Make this reunion the one he kept hoping to have that got him through?  What was happening now was anything but.  This?  Whatever this was?  Was awful..

you left.

He let Blaine hold his hands, sat beside him, and just breathed for a moment.  His eyes were on the opposite wall rather than the boy beside him, but his gaze did not fall to the floor.  There was still a part of him that didn’t feel he was in his right mind – oh how insane he felt before – but the other part was protesting that it didn’t matter.  Humanity was strange.

Kurt nodded and sighed.  It wasn’t Blaine’s fault.  He hadn’t done anything to make Kurt do what he did.  His guilt was only so strong compared to what he’s sure he’d feel if he were human, which in this case especially, he feels is a good thing.  “You didn’t do anything, Blaine..”  He raked a hand through his hair, something he used to never do because of how shaped his hair usually was.  That wasn’t so much a demon thing as it was the transformation making it hard to stay put together for a few months.  As much of his memory of that first period was blurred, it was hard to forget the pain of it or rolling on the floor coated in his own cold sweat.  Perfect hair didn’t really go with that life.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”  He muttered.  Blaine lost friends over him?  He should have guessed, but maybe he was in denial.  With a deep breath, he began and gave Blaine’s hands a small squeeze.  “Do you remember when I started pushing people away?  I met someone.  We didn’t..  I wasn’t interested in him, he was just there and it was so strange being around him.  I’ve never felt so close to normal before.  I’d sneak out at night to meet him or his friends and we were so stupid but it was fun.”  He hoped he didn’t sound too fond of the memories, even if there wasn’t a smile to say that he might be.  “After a while he asked me to go with him, and I said no at first because I didn’t want to do what I did.  Didn’t want to leave my family in the dark.  Didn’t want to leave you at all..  I changed my mind, obviously.”

      “Why can’t you look at me?”  The question was weakly aimed at Kurt’s profile.  Asked mainly for himself than for Kurt to answer.  Blaine was so desperate for their eyes to meet that he squeezed Kurt’s hands trying to get him to look over.  He leaned forward without letting go, hoping that for once, the blue eyes that haunted him every day would look into his and he’d be able to find something in them close to what he thought would never fade.  Before Kurt left. “Kurt,” his fingers retracted into his palm, wrist flipping over so he could dig his knuckles into his dark gray slacks to keep them from shaking while Kurt fussed with his hair.

“I didn’t do anything,” he repeated trying to believe it and coming up way short.  The two of them were never supposed to fall apart the way they did. In Blaine’s rationale?  Kurt’s distance: unanswered calls, texts that came hours later, voicemails picking up a ring and a half? Those were because he was busy.  Caught up in the excitement of the city of his dreams. He’d call soon.  Blaine told himself that repeatedly and lived for the times the phone would ring or they’d Skype. Those nights began to trickle down to an agonizing drip.  I’m too boring.  He’s moving on.  I was right..  Blaine waited for a sign to show him all his fears were wrong.  That they weren’t breaking.  Only changing.  They’d find a happy medium in a month–or two–three-silence.  Burt was on his doorstep tell him Kurt was missing.  He felt it for days.  This silence was more suffocating.  Deafening.  Kurt wasn’t calling anymore.  Because Kurt was gone. Blaine’s world went black and he was in the dark every day after.  

“They wouldn’t listen,” Kurt stealing his hand back eased the ache.  A temporary fix before he was forced to listen to the truth.  He wasn’t sure when he felt his heart–deeper than that, his soul– turn to shreds. Or when pain became anger then the worst feeling he ever knew.  His blood burned, bile rose in his throat and tears welled up in his eyes then ran two lines down his cheeks that he imagined might never dry up.  “Obviously,” his face mirrored his confusion, “How could you leave and not tell me?  I trusted you to be honest.  We promised.  You knew what that would do to me.”  Blaine slid his hands away and rubbed his face, shoulders jerking but his voice picked up volume. “Not a single call. Not a single care to even bother?  I fought for you and you were out there forgetting everything we swore we’d never do to each other!  Did you think of me once?  Of bothering to let me know that you were okay but just didn’t want me anymore?”  When his hands lowered, the amber hues in his eyes darkened and a fire burned bright inside his irises.  “I never would have done that to you.  Never, Kurt.”  

you what?

Kurt pursed his lips and nodded slightly. Rough, that sounded about right. Did Blaine think Kurt was kidnapped? How else would Kurt have left unwillingly? That guilt in his stomach churned.

“I think you should sit down..” He said softly. There was a lot he wished he could say. Apologies. Truths. He wasn’t even human anymore. What was worse though, not being human or what he did prior to that? His relationship with Oliver wasn’t romantic, but they certainly weren’t ‘just’ anything none the less friends.
He bit at his thumb nail for a few moments, his eyes on the door.
“I can’t tell you everything yet. This is still a shock right now, I’m pretty sure..” He started before letting his eyes meet Blaine’s again. Kurt knew it was a shock, he could feel it. “No one took me, Blaine. I left. Not alone but it was my decision and I knew I’d be gone a while. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone.”
But was it? He certainly hopes so, but there are perfect memories of the thrill he loved so much of sneaking off with Oliver and not getting away with it.

Kurt scoffed at himself and shook his head. “Dammit.” He said absently. “Look. I just- I’m a bad person, Blaine. I’ve lied to everyone in my life, I’ve hurt people, I hurt you and if I haven’t yet then I’m going to when I explain what the hell I’m talking about but I think I should go for now..”

      Sit down?  Blaine blinked up at Kurt in confusion.  What would Kurt have to tell him that was awful enough for him to have to sit down?  He could take whatever Kurt gave him because he was here to say it.  Having him here was all that mattered.  The rest?  They’d make it through because he’d never give up until Kurt was okay..

Blaine listened anyway.  Refusing to lose contact with Kurt , –he was still wondering if he’d just evaporate, touching him was his way of making sure he stayed instead of bolting out the door Kurt kept watching–, he pressed his palms against the sides of Kurt’s arms and ran them all the way down until their fingers could be laced together.  “Don’t run.  I know what you’re thinking.  Don’t.  Not until we talk.”
      The truth split his heart in two the minute it hit his ears.  There it was.  Kurt telling him something so many ‘well wishers’ began to try to convince him of months into Kurt’s disappearance.  That maybe he left on his own.  That he didn’t want to be found.  That he was finding himself like some people need to.  Blaine countered each bit of ‘helpful advice’ with the protest that Kurt wouldn’t just disappear on him.  That if he needed to ‘find himself’, they’d find whatever he was missing together.  

Except they were right.  “You left,” he asked hoping that he made a mistake and heard things wrong knowing damn well he didn’t.  “Why?  What did I do,” his voice broke badly enough he swallowed to get it back, “You could’ve come to me.  That’s how we work–ed.”  Kurt saying he should go made Blaine react by holding onto his hands tighter.  “No.  You don’t get to tell me that and leave–again–. That’s not fair.  I waited for you.  I told them they were awful for giving up on you.  I cut ties. I lost friends.  You don’t get to leave me facing them knowing that they were right and I was wrong.  Not before you tell me the truth and why you didn’t tell me anything for months.”

kurt.

Kurt opened his mouth to answer, to explain that only a handful of people knew, that his family told him to be careful about seeing Blaine again because of the shock, because he didn’t handle it well, but Blaine was across the room by the time Kurt shrugged his shoulders. He smiled weakly and wrapped his arms around Blaine.

The first thought he had was how long it’s been since he got a hug, none the less Blaine’s – hugging Blaine was always a sure fire way for Kurt to calm or ground himself. He relaxed into the other’s arms but held his breath. Every emotion Blaine was feeling, as jumbled up as they were to Kurt, was strong and oh so easy to eat up. It would hurt no one if he did. It didn’t feel right to feed off of Blaine in any way though.
One breath is all it would take to prolong the next meal. Prolong the kill, Kurt reminds himself.

“I missed you too… I’m so sorry, Blaine.. I should have said something I just-” He paused. He can’t very well tell Blaine what happened, not without consequences. “I’m ok.. A lot happened.” He said lightly. He remembered just a few days ago when he was in a similar position at home. Finn just about crushed him in a welcome home hug before either of their parents had the chance.
Rather suddenly, Kurt pulled away with his hands on Blaine’s shoulders and bright eyes locked on his. “Are you ok? They said you weren’t doing well with me gone but no one would say more than that.” Truly, Kurt was worried. He had already been distant leading up to his disappearance – distant from everyone actually, he’s not sure if he’d be surprised or not if his friends were still angry with him.

      Blaine’s instinct had him burying his nose against Kurt’s neck, breath hot on his throat as he clung to the reality that he had Kurt in his arms again.  His Kurt. Nothing leading up to Kurt’s disappearance mattered to him in space where time stood still and reality that he wasn’t dreaming sank in.  No distance that Kurt put between them before he vanished would taint the relief and joy Blaine felt knowing that Kurt was okay.  Kurt was here.  Here.

“I thought that something awful happened to you.  That someone hurt you or worse.  They started to think you disappeared on your own.”  Blaine could smell Kurt’s familiar scent as he nuzzled his face into the place that was his home more than any other.  “I refused to agree with them.  I know you weren’t happy before but never enough to leave.”  He kept a pillow of Kurt’s that he begged Burt to let him have just to hold it close.  The scent was comforting some nights. Killed him inside others.  Try prying that pillow from his grip regardless?  Blaine would have probably punched your lights out.

“Hush.  Don’t apologize.”  Kurt should have said something?  Blaine’s hidden face showed the confusion he felt.  Did Kurt leave?  “What?  What happened.”  Kurt’s sudden pull back broke them apart too soon for Blaine to make sure the look was gone.  The grip on his shoulders kept him from pulling Kurt back in again.  He wrapped his hands around Kurt’s forearms instead unable to let go of him yet.  Head hanging down, Blaine nodded.
      “I’m ok.”  Kurt feeling a shred of guilt was the farthest thing from what he wanted.  “It’s just been rough.”  Rough scratched the surface but barely scraped the thinnest layer.  “Kurt?  What happened,” he met his gaze and wanted an answer.  Even if it was one he might regret hearing. He needed to know.

kurt.

Kurt was leaning back against the opposite wall, offering a small smile when Blaine entered. His eyes scanned over the boy in front of him cautiously, taking in as many differences as he could. Blaine was tired. Dear lord that was obvious. Neither of them looked quite right. Kurt was healthier and in better shape than ever, and Blaine…
Guilt was still there. He was afraid it wouldn’t be as noticeable to him, but he felt it now. He heard the disbelief in Blaine’s voice, felt the sudden fear around him, and he looked like he didn’t sleep at all. Kurt did that. Maybe it was a bit conceded to think that immediately, but he knew it. He broke someone he loved.

How ironic.

“Hi, Blaine.” He breathed, clearing his throat a moment later. For someone who died, his heart was pounding shockingly. Good to know he just needed the right situation. “I uhm… Finn told me you were here so I.. I got back a few days ago.”

     Blaine was stuck in place as he stared at the love of his life who vanished without a trace. Then suddenly appeared leaning against a wall looking better than ever.  No one told him Kurt returned?  Not Finn?  Not Burt?  Why didn’t his phone ring the second anyone heard from him? They knew what losing Kurt did to him.  How deep it ripped him apart.  Days?  He was here for days?  “Days ago?”  His heart shattered.  Days ago and nothing but silence from anyone who could have told him the news that would make him stop suffocating?  Angry, he should be angry.  Later maybe.  There were too many other emotions to feel that ran deeper.  “Why didn’t you come to me,” he asked the question out loud when he only meant to think it, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?”  

Opposite of the questions and hurt?  There was so much of him that didn’t care.  None of their lack of caring about what knowing Kurt was back would do for him mattered.  Kurt was here and Blaine’s heart squeezed painfully with each second he wasted by talking and thinking of how wrong it was that he was the last to know.  He was across the room in a blur. Tears –ache, happiness, relief, anger at being kept in the dark..all inside them– filled his eyes.  Arms slung around Kurt’s shoulders because he couldn’t breathe until he touched him. “I missed you so much.  Kurt?  I was terrified I’d never see you again.  Where have you been?  What happened?”  He broke.  Unable to keep the questions back, he held on tighter than he ever held him before.  “Are you okay?”