v: forget me not (eternal sunshine au) – pianokeysandbowties back up

kurt.

( mssg » blaine | sent ) I thought we were going to make it.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) How is having sex with somebody else showing me I mattered? Was that supposed to make me feel special?
( mssg » blaine | sent ) Not like it matters, but for transparency’s sake, Sebastian has made everything abundantly clear. I shouldn’t be surprised given everything, but it doesn’t hurt any less. Glad to know he’s finally having his shot at redemption.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) Are you really asking me that question?
( mssg » blaine | sent ) That’s exactly how I felt when you told me. I was standing right there. I didn’t want to be real anymore because nothing made sense. So no, literally erased, no. To feel erased? To feel like everything that’s ever mattered doesn’t any longer? To feel like this special life we’d been building boiled down to nothing because it wasn’t enough for you? Because you needed more? That wasn’t me?
( mssg » blaine | sent ) What would you have to feel to consider erasing someone, Blaine? How many pieces would your heart have to be in to so much as consider it? I didn’t want to wake up. But I still did.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) I don’t even know what I should or shouldn’t be saying to you because I’m so afraid you’re going to try that again.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) I didn’t even know until weeks later.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) Promise me you aren’t going to try that ever again.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) Are you okay?

( mssg » kurt | sent ) I did, too.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) No. I didn’t mean what I said like that. I’m sorry. I regret every second. I wish I could take it back. I would. I can’t but I’d give anything for the chance to. Anything.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I did a very stupid thing. Beyond stupid and there isn’t a day that I don’t regret it. Even after this. It’s the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I didn’t need more. I just needed you and I thought I didn’t have you anymore and that was all me. Everything was my fault. I did that. Thought the worst and then managed to do even worse. I ruined everything. I’ll tell Sebastian to stop whatever he is doing.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I wouldn’t erase anyone. It’s not an option. It wouldn’t have been one before this and knowing what it feels like? I wouldn’t do that to anyone. I couldn’t. It doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone who does.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Don’t mean to come off that way if I did. I just don’t think I could lose a part of myself for any reason. Nothing could hurt more than this..and I still couldn’t do it.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) You can say anything you want. Would rather you get it out than hold it in.

( mssg » kurt | sent ) I won’t..
( mssg » kurt | sent ) No. I’m not. But that’s for me to deal with.

( mssg » kurt | sent ) I’m so sorry. I know. You’re right. I did this. All of this was my fault. Every mistake I made lead to this exact moment and I just keep making them.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) You, obviously, matter. Even though I did a horrible job at showing it. I tried to. I messed it all up. Please tell me you know deep down that you always mattered because you do. So so much.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) Do you know what it’s like to feel like you’ve been erased?
( mssg » kurt | sent ) To know you don’t exist to someone who means the world to you?
( mssg » kurt | sent ) It’s like you’re a ghost inside of yourself. Hollow and empty and not really real anymore. That your world isn’t all there the way it was a day ago. It’s gone and you have nothing to fill it up with. Parts of your life are just gone because you’re the only one who lived them but you weren’t and that part doesn’t matter..
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I just didn’t want to be someone who was deleted anymore.

@tongueticd ; continued from here.