we’ll do it anyway.

                                                                       “Alright.” Sebastian opened the door and got out, waiting for Blaine to do the same, as he had already paid the cab on his phone. He shoved one of his hands in his blazer’s pocket and watched as Blaine stepped out. Sebastian remembered the excitement the first time something like that had happened, and how his heart had been leaping. Even then, though, there had always been a sting. The sting of Blaine’s embarrassed withdrawal, whenever Sebastian crossed the line in any semi public place. The sting of Blaine’s panic whenever his phone rang or as much as buzzed. The sting of the mornings – or even the middle of the nights – when Sebastian was left, still warm from Blaine, tasting him, barely cooled down, by a shuffling, nervous, boy, with apologetic eyes. 

He’d always thought it wouldn’t bother him. He didn’t take up on monogamous relationships for a REASON, because he believed that if someone WOULD, THEY should be ready to stick to it, and few ever were. He always considered it the committed’s person sole RESPONSIBILITY to keep up their commitment, and not his own when they were already putting it in danger. After all, if someone was eager to commit to their partners, they wouldn’t go to seedy bars, drink, and let boys like him hit on them. But Blaine… Sebastian had watched as every one of their new rendezvous drained the life out of him. As after their each new affair, Blaine would leave more anxious, until the nervousness was even oozing out of his fingertips as he touched him, and Sebastian could taste it in their kisses. That was the whole issue, wasn’t it?

He’d never cared before if someone was nervous, because it was THEIR problem, he’d never cared for them. But he did for Blaine. He cared for Blaine more deeply than he could remember himself caring for anyone else in his life. Except for his mother. And to watch each of their new meetings cause Blaine’s light to die, had almost but killed him. It made him feel dirty, and guilty, for daring take something as good as Blaine. Like it was what Blaine was feeling when he touched him, as though they were both blaming HIM for it, and at the end, he just stopped enjoying it altogether. There was no room left for it. Just an obsessive need not to see it end. And Sebastian had never been good at possessiveness. 

He blinked, as he realized he’d walked Blaine inside and his phone was shoved over the balcony, as the front desk attendant saw to their keycards and wished them a “Happy stay, Mr. Smythe.” He swallowed, trying to get his head back in the game, and grabbed the cards, as he nodded to Blaine and put a hand on his upper back again as he guided him to the elevator, dreading the silence that immediately set in as they got inside, and the doors closed, leaving them alone with the heavy static air between them. 

Blaine stepped out of the cab having squeezed the side of his phone that he shoved into the pocket of his jacket until he was sure it was shut off.  Golden hazel eyes shifted his stare up high to the top of the hotel and he wondered if it might be too late to grab Sebastian’s wrist, step backwards into the cab and they could leave here.  Sebastian could go home.  Blaine would make sure he got there safely before he disappeared to points unknown leaving only a trail of departing red tail lights and a thousand unspoken apologies in his wake before fading off.  It’d be fairer to the one person in this whole mess that deserved only good.  And that was the person standing there looking at him, waiting for him to follow along because Blaine had, apparently, lost his ability to stop hurting him months ago.  If not longer.  Maybe that’s all he ever really did in the long run.  Hurt him.  Even their good times were laced with ache.

Being ladened with guilt was as a familiar sensation was what it felt like for the warmth that filled his belly when Sebastian took the lead with a hand on his back and walked him inside.  Another testament to how twisted and wrong everything about them became.  When something so horrible can be as equal of a feeling as the good so they fit together in a terrible seamlessness?  How could he have stood by and let this all happen?  Been the catalyst for it, even?  Has he always just been this way?  Capable of this?  Careful what questions you wish could be answered wen the answer is so damn…awful you don’t want to know.  One more elevator ride.  One more closed door.  And he’d never do this to him again.  No matter what the cost was.

The elevator rose up each floor in an agonizingly slow ascent made worse by the silence and stupid canned music playing overhead.  Not loud enough to make this any less uncomfortable than the quiet was turning it into.  How was he supposed to open his mouth and say a word when he wasn’t sure that if he did do that?  Stopping would be impossible.  The risk of anyone coming in and interrupting kept Blaine’s mouth closed the entire ride up.  His hands were kept to himself by lacing his fingers together because the temptation to reach out and take Sebastian’s kept digging in deeper and deeper until his insides were twisted around the idea.

He got so good at staring at the floor that it took another touch for him to realize that the ride he wished would end was over.  The doors pulled open and once again, Sebastian was the one to take the lead towards a destination Blaine knew he was dreading more with every step.  But he couldn’t not go.  Why?  Because Blaine asked.  They were inside the room and he barely cleared the door before he came to a sudden stop.  “I’m sorry I did this to us.  I’m sorry I made us become something that felt like this when it used to be something so good.  I never wanted to hurt you.  But I did.  Over and over again but I’m,” his voice broke and he finally made eye contact, “sorry.”