“Alright.” Sebastian opened the door and got out, waiting for Blaine to do the same, as he had already paid the cab on his phone. He shoved one of his hands in his blazer’s pocket and watched as Blaine stepped out. Sebastian remembered the excitement the first time something like that had happened, and how his heart had been leaping. Even then, though, there had always been a sting. The sting of Blaine’s embarrassed withdrawal, whenever Sebastian crossed the line in any semi public place. The sting of Blaine’s panic whenever his phone rang or as much as buzzed. The sting of the mornings – or even the middle of the nights – when Sebastian was left, still warm from Blaine, tasting him, barely cooled down, by a shuffling, nervous, boy, with apologetic eyes.
He’d always thought it wouldn’t bother him. He didn’t take up on monogamous relationships for a REASON, because he believed that if someone WOULD, THEY should be ready to stick to it, and few ever were. He always considered it the committed’s person sole RESPONSIBILITY to keep up their commitment, and not his own when they were already putting it in danger. After all, if someone was eager to commit to their partners, they wouldn’t go to seedy bars, drink, and let boys like him hit on them. But Blaine… Sebastian had watched as every one of their new rendezvous drained the life out of him. As after their each new affair, Blaine would leave more anxious, until the nervousness was even oozing out of his fingertips as he touched him, and Sebastian could taste it in their kisses. That was the whole issue, wasn’t it?
He’d never cared before if someone was nervous, because it was THEIR problem, he’d never cared for them. But he did for Blaine. He cared for Blaine more deeply than he could remember himself caring for anyone else in his life. Except for his mother. And to watch each of their new meetings cause Blaine’s light to die, had almost but killed him. It made him feel dirty, and guilty, for daring take something as good as Blaine. Like it was what Blaine was feeling when he touched him, as though they were both blaming HIM for it, and at the end, he just stopped enjoying it altogether. There was no room left for it. Just an obsessive need not to see it end. And Sebastian had never been good at possessiveness.
He blinked, as he realized he’d walked Blaine inside and his phone was shoved over the balcony, as the front desk attendant saw to their keycards and wished them a “Happy stay, Mr. Smythe.” He swallowed, trying to get his head back in the game, and grabbed the cards, as he nodded to Blaine and put a hand on his upper back again as he guided him to the elevator, dreading the silence that immediately set in as they got inside, and the doors closed, leaving them alone with the heavy static air between them.
Blaine stepped out of the cab having squeezed the side of his phone that he shoved into the pocket of his jacket until he was sure it was shut off. Golden hazel eyes shifted his stare up high to the top of the hotel and he wondered if it might be too late to grab Sebastian’s wrist, step backwards into the cab and they could leave here. Sebastian could go home. Blaine would make sure he got there safely before he disappeared to points unknown leaving only a trail of departing red tail lights and a thousand unspoken apologies in his wake before fading off. It’d be fairer to the one person in this whole mess that deserved only good. And that was the person standing there looking at him, waiting for him to follow along because Blaine had, apparently, lost his ability to stop hurting him months ago. If not longer. Maybe that’s all he ever really did in the long run. Hurt him. Even their good times were laced with ache.
Being ladened with guilt was as a familiar sensation was what it felt like for the warmth that filled his belly when Sebastian took the lead with a hand on his back and walked him inside. Another testament to how twisted and wrong everything about them became. When something so horrible can be as equal of a feeling as the good so they fit together in a terrible seamlessness? How could he have stood by and let this all happen? Been the catalyst for it, even? Has he always just been this way? Capable of this? Careful what questions you wish could be answered wen the answer is so damn…awful you don’t want to know. One more elevator ride. One more closed door. And he’d never do this to him again. No matter what the cost was.
The elevator rose up each floor in an agonizingly slow ascent made worse by the silence and stupid canned music playing overhead. Not loud enough to make this any less uncomfortable than the quiet was turning it into. How was he supposed to open his mouth and say a word when he wasn’t sure that if he did do that? Stopping would be impossible. The risk of anyone coming in and interrupting kept Blaine’s mouth closed the entire ride up. His hands were kept to himself by lacing his fingers together because the temptation to reach out and take Sebastian’s kept digging in deeper and deeper until his insides were twisted around the idea.
He got so good at staring at the floor that it took another touch for him to realize that the ride he wished would end was over. The doors pulled open and once again, Sebastian was the one to take the lead towards a destination Blaine knew he was dreading more with every step. But he couldn’t not go. Why? Because Blaine asked. They were inside the room and he barely cleared the door before he came to a sudden stop. “I’m sorry I did this to us. I’m sorry I made us become something that felt like this when it used to be something so good. I never wanted to hurt you. But I did. Over and over again but I’m,” his voice broke and he finally made eye contact, “sorry.”
“… Yeah. Let’s just… Cab.” Sebastian’s voice was rough as he tried to swallow it down and motioned outside with a short nod, press of lips, and that small commiserate pop of jaw that tugged his lips down of whenever he – if rarely – sourly admitted defeat. there was no victory against Blaine, there never had been. Sebastian was screwed the moment Blaine walked into that rehearsal room, or even before that, the moment someone said his name, Trent maybe, Blaine Anderson, and for a moment, an entire group of boys perked up, time slowed down, and faces lit up with an admiration that made him feel empty. He’d been hungry for more of Blaine, to fill that void ever since. Because as used as he’d been with people in awe of him, his whole life, no one had ever looked at him the way those boys looked like when talking about their ex leader, and at first it’d made Sebastian want them to. And then, after meeting Blaine, after getting WHY, it’d just made him wish, every day, that Blaine would know he was THERE. For more than five minutes, or a quick text.
This part was sickeningly easy, and maybe that was the worst of it. A hand fell on the small of Blaine’s back like breathing, a comfortable distance, enough to be friendly, and Sebastian quickly guided him outside, before they could gather anymore unwanted attention. A few more steps, a quick text to one of his on call cab drivers, and before he could think about it, one was parking in front of them. Sebastian opened the door for Blaine, second nature at this point really, and waited for him to go in before slipping in, himself, and giving the driver the right address. As the car took off, he was already booking them a room in his phone. And once he was done, he just stared at the screen, lost.
He felt numb.
When had he got here? It doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you. He wanted to laugh. Only it did. It did bother him. When Blaine had first come knocking on his door that night, Sebastian had thought the worst of it was knowing he’d finally chosen to cheat, and decided to do it with someone else, that he wasn’t even attracted enough to Sebastian for THAT. He’d been wrong. This was worse. Even if he didn’t fully understand why yet. He didn’t reach out. Didn’t try to touch, though he glanced at him, as the cab rolled through Westerville. His green eyes small with doubt, thin as his lips, and the skin between his thumb and curled forefinger. He pinched his nose and cleared his throat as the cab stopped. “We’re here.” He paused and looked at him. “You sure you wanna do this, killer?” He might not be sure what they were going to do, but he knew Blaine and he knew whatever they did, or didn’t do, Blaine would carry it with him for the rest of his fairytale life with Kurt. And as much as Sebastian hated the thought of their perfect marriage, he didn’t want the fault in it to be his, either.
Relief flooded in when Sebastian mentioned a cab. As short lived as it was bound to be given this entire, messed up situation–Blaine needed just a little more time. Just a little more selfishly begged for and reluctantly given time. He’d taken so much of Sebastian’s time already. Wasted it on friendship that maybe couldn’t last past the the things they did that Blaine promised himself wouldn’t ruin them. That they promised wouldn’t tear them down to nothing and it had. Hadn’t it? Looking at Sebastian’s profile, seeing the way he caved in defeat for something that he used to give so happily because being around one another as friends was better than being without each other period, was all the confirmation he needed. A blind man could see that much without barely a glance. They were ruined and if this was goodbye? There was no way in hell Blaine was going to say it in the middle of a coffee shop. Not like that. Never.
Being guided by Sebastian’s hand, Blaine followed where he was lead. Glad to be away from anyone listening or watching, hesitant eyes shifted their glare towards the cement and up to Sebastian’s mouth again. Was it still pulled tight? With the paper thin line between his lips and burrowed brows? Yeah. It was. What was horrible was that the looks that Blaine used to feel his soul come to life when he was given them were long gone now. Blaine couldn’t remember when the last time Sebastian looked at him so teasingly, so happily, and with that devil may cry charm mixed with just enough ot raunchy sarcasm that Blaine felt his head spin dizzy from excitement instead of starting to throb at the temples sharp enough that the leather and coffee smell inside the cab made him nauseated. Sure. Blame it on the smell. Another lie to believe. Like the one where Sebastian wasn’t doing this because he wasn’t wired to say no to him.
He felt sick.
Blaine didn’t do anything to break the silence during the ride. He’d gone from watching Sebastian to the color change of his fingertips as he dug the edge of his left thumbnail under the right like it was the most fascinating thing on the planet. A sharp gasp and Blaine jerked his head towards Sebastian. Surprised, round eyes blinked like he hadn’t realized the car came to a stop and they arrived until Sebastian spoke up. Killer. His bottom lip shoved itself against it’s match and he swallowed a golf ball sized lump in his throat. “Y-Yeah. Let’s go inside. Don’t have to stay long. I promise. I just need..,” clamping his mouth shut, his gaze shot towards the cabbie and then to Sebastian and he decided he’d wait until they had their room to say anything else. Judging by how wobbly his tone was? The former Warbler might need the break from talking anyway.
❝ Isabelle Wright’s office— Please wait while I transfer you.” Answering the phone connected to his headset almost felt like an out of body experience. His mind stuck on some kind of strange autopilot while his heart continued to crumble deep inside his chest— still beating; still functioning and pumping blood out into his veins and yet, somehow, no longer whole in its existence.
Of course Blaine still wanted to see him before he left. Leaving the loft the way that he did, out of the door before 7am and not once uttering a single sound as he had gotten dressed on the bed right next to the guy in question, he probably shouldn’t have expected his former boyfriend’s reaction to be much different; his thoughts all-consumed and swallowing thickly as he reread the notifications up on his phone before he finally (and after quite a few long hard minutes of empty staring) found the courage to once again open up their private conversation.
Home was no longer a person.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) I can’t.
Standing face to face with the man he had once loved, with who had he shared and overcome so many memories, who had encouraged to him to go to New York and begin to make a life for himself a year ahead of him, who he had promised to never say goodbye; who had knowingly betrayed his trust and made it seem as though as it meant nothing, Kurt simply didn’t think he could bear it.
This… was just something he was going to have to learn to live with; teeth sinking down into his bottom lip as he watched, with intent eyes, as the message rapidly marked ‘delivered’; the lump in his throat unyielding as he waited, anxious for whichever reply would come next as he fought back the tears he so desperately wanted to remain hidden inside of him.
Time felt so slow now. Impossibly slow. An hourglass filled with sand that every tiny particle was an eternity that passed by agonizingly slow seemed to fill to the brim with how long he waited for the reply to come. His anxiety turned the ache into an excruciating torture. Blaine knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he should be packing. Whether or not he heard back, he knew it wasn’t going to be a situation he could fix automatically in one night.
Kurt would still need his space, still want him GONE but he couldn’t bring himself to start. What if he got a message that Kurt would come back? What if, by some miracle, he’d get to stay one more night so they could talk and he could leave in the morning? What kind of a moron lets himself believe something so childish and greedy and foolish? Him. He did. Sort of but a sliver of hope was better than none at all.
A notion proven as idiotic as it sounded in his head when he received only two words back. I can’t. Blaine’s hope gave out and so did his spine. Slouched over and letting his arms sag between his knees, hazel eyes red and brimming with tears finally blinked and let them fall. Hope wasn’t something he deserved but he so so wanted it.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I’m s o sorry. I lvoe you. I’ll be ggone as soon as i can.
He pressed send with trembling fingers, eyes practically blind with tears as hope died out and he stood up barely computing what to do next. His things. He needed to get his things together but all he could do was stare at Kurt’s pillow and wonder if that was the last time he’d ever be close to him in any way. Fingertips reached out, tracing over the fabric before he picked it up and took in the smell of Kurt’s hair and skin and shampoo.
It was silly to make the bed but that’s what he started to do, letting the phone fall on the comforter as he sat the pillow down and smoothed it out. Then did the same to his the other one. This was it, it was over. He wouldn’t be welcome here again. He lost his home. It was burned to the ground, actually. And he was the one who threw the match. Heartbroken, there was no one else to blame other than himself.
Another quiet breath caught lightly in Kurt’s throat as blue eyes continued to stare out blankly at the crisp white editorial covered walls directly opposite his desk at Isabelle’s Condé Nast office. It had been a long night, his boss’ phones were ringing off the hook and yet somehow, in spite of everything and his current surroundings, he was trembling. Anxiously watching his phone vibrate and alertly scanning over his phone’s notifications as he received yet another pointless e-mail about the latest vintage finds and fashions. He hadn’t slept. It had been practically impossible. The soft, all too familiar sounds of his ex-boyfriend’s gentle breathing haunting him even as he lay there, wide awake, incapable of moving.
Blaine had always been his safety net. His one shoulder to cry on and the one person he could turn to whenever things got messy or complicated. Neither one of them had expected the distance to be easy. Instead, he had been left heartbroken. A piece of him completely evaporated as he had watched him, emotionally belting out the notes to a song that had once meant so much to them. He had been paralyzed. Blaine’s words playing over and over in his mind and his brief talk with Finn only furthering his need to get out of the loft as soon as humanly possible.
Thanking one of his Vogue coworkers for the quiet refill on his coffee mug, he quickly refroze in his position as his eyes glazed over the all too familiar new notifications on his phone’s shiny display. He wasn’t sure what he had anticipated. Whether to respond, or to throw away his number and forget anything had ever transpired between them at all. Typing, hesitant and uncertain; his insides definitely shaking, Kurt finally pressed ‘send’ on his response.
( mssg » blaine | sent ) I’m at the office.
Every last detail of the room started to come into focus as he waited for Kurt’s reply wondering if he’d ever get one. Blaine bit into his bottom lip–attention locked on one item in particular sitting on the nightstand beside the bed. The coffee mug he’d placed there before they left for the night was one of those silly touristy looking white ceramics with the New York City skyline hand drawn and wrapped around the entire surface. He’d picked it out and sent it to Kurt only a week after he moved away–stuffed with a few coffee gift cards promising that he’d be there soon to have their coffee dates in person but these were going to have to do until then. Two months ago but it felt like a lifetime now.
Last night, it was filled to the brim with tea as they got ready and Blaine kept sipping it trying to get the courage to say the words that he knew would change them forever. The courage to face what he did and potentially lose Kurt and never get him back. Hoping for the best was the only option he had. Deep down–he knew and feared that he’d get what he deserved. And he did. Fixing it, fixing them was all he had left. Taking it back was impossible. If begging for the chance would give him one? He’d be on his knees right now. But panic set in. How could he fix it if he didn’t have the slightest idea how?
This time–he didn’t have any answers. This time–he was as lost as he’d ever felt. And so so sorry. If guilt could erase everything? Proof positive it couldn’t and wouldn’t was a set of trembling hands and tears welling up in his eyes. Kurt owed him nothing..but he could try? Going back to Ohio without trying? He couldn’t..
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I’ll go. I promise. Just.. Can I see you before..? Please,come home.
The thing about mornings are they’re always a new beginning. When you wake up–there’s a few seconds where all you feel is the warmth of the blankets and the comfort that you’ve sunk into during sleep. No matter what happens before drifting off (in Blaine’s case for less than three hours) there’s a blissful sense of–peace. Until your life tunes back in with the sunlight leaking through the curtains stirring you away from the solitude from your thoughts. Blaine’s first instinct was to reach behind him and feel for the hip that was supposed to be against his. There was nothing but a cold outside of a space on the bed long abandoned.
His world sped up. Reality came crashing down with flashbacks from last night causing his throat to feel like it was torn to shreds and had a rock jammed inside to suffocate him. His heart shattered and there came the vile taste of guilt in the back of his mouth. One he should be used to by now but was even more potent than every morning since it happened. ‘I was with someone..’ The apartment was empty. He could feel that from here. Hollowness that crept inside his bones. What more could he expect? Swallowing painfully–he pushed himself up on one elbow, purposefully avoiding looking behind him and grabbed his phone instead. 9:39 am was when the first string of apologies began to pour out before his feet even touched the floor.
( mssg » kurt | sent ) I know I don’t deserve it. I know you hate me. ( mssg » kurt | sent ) I’m sorry. Please come back. I don’t want to leave like this. Please?
Seeing Blaine like that destroyed Sebastian. As much as he would try and keep face. As much as he’d have liked to have moved on already, every goddamn time he saw Blaine, or even got a text from him, it knocked the floor right off from under his feet. He had never seen Blaine this miserable. Not even after the whole slushie struggle, when Blaine was still mad at him, he hadn’t been this broken. And Sebastian was as lost as he was pained by it. He wanted to be the friend Blaine wanted and needed him to be right now, but it did make him struggle in a way he wasn’t prepared to. He wasn’t ready to feel this much at once, but he also couldn’t bring himself to tell Blaine ‘no’. He never had.
That was certainly why he didn’t think twice before kicking his one night stand out, and rushing back to comfort Blaine, appealing to all deities he’d never believed in, that he’d still be there when he got back downstairs. It didn’t matter how many bruises and scars he had after so many years of holding Blaine first, when the other boy had never shown interest in doing the same. One look at Blaine’s face, and any resolutions he might have taken, slipped away. Blaine came first. It had been that way from day one. It really shouldn’t surprise him any more. He sighed in relief when he came back from the kitchen and the boy was still there. He made his way to the couch, offering him the glass, and shifted on the ball of his feet, a little unsure for a moment. He didn’t know how close Blaine wanted to be to anyone right now, specially not him. Still, as he offered to get him something else, the beg came, and he nodded instead.
Sebastian moved to sit by his side again, and awkwardly placed a hand on his shoulder, giving a few taps to it. ‘Sure…’ He promised, studying Blaine’s red face with analytical eyes, wanting to make sure he’d be okay, or as okay as possible. It seemed like it’d take a while, from the amount of pain Sebastian could see in his eyes, and it made his tongue taste like copper in his mouth. ‘Just breathe, killer….’ he encouraged softly, wanting the other to say whatever he needed to, to spill it out and start getting his pieces back together. He felt a new pang in his stomach as he did, and it made him more bitter than he could tell, to say the words, but he did. ‘Maybe you should wait some and then call him…’ They were inseparable, right? Sebastian would know. ‘If this is what you really want…’ he stopped. As much as he cared for Blaine the words sounded fake even to his own ears, and besides, he heard a movement just then, that caught his eye, and he froze for a second. He lost the first part of Blaine’s apology, as he stared, or rather glared at his noisy fuck buddy that was just crossing the front of the living room, after making it downstairs, so he could leave. But he did hear the second part.
Sebastian blinked at him, refocusing, and breathed out, repeating to himself as usual that Blaine just said things like that because they were friends. He nodded. ‘You can always come to me.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m probably not the best adviser. But you can spill your guts, and I’ll usually have something strong to make things better.’ He tapped his shoulder again. ‘Wanna watch something? I can expand the couch. We could order something in.’ He offered. Sure it was a coward way out, to offer comfort food and movies, instead of listening more, or trying to talk, but he had never been good at the latter, specially not when he was in love with the boy who had just been heartbroken for someone else.
Feeling the couch budge with Sebastian’s weight as he sat beside him and the pat filled Blaine with such a simple relief that uniquely Sebastian’s to give. He appreciated it. Awkward as the contact felt for reasons he didn’t have the energy to question right now but might come back to later when he did with a question of why. One he already knew the answer to deep down but had to graze past repeatedly. The rabbit hole had been burrowing deeper and deeper for over a year now–another all his fault that he felt so out of control to face and deal with that he just didn’t. So much for courage when you take the coward’s way out of helping someone who loves you just not because you need that love selfish and sadistic as it is. And if you take that love away? It might take them with it because why would they stick around after?
Yes. There were layers of understanding Blaine had for Sebastian and what he should or shouldn’t do or want or say. All of which went out the window every time he laid eyes on him. Or heard his voice. It was unfair. It was cruel. Everything he never wanted to be and didn’t consider himself actually being. Except for .. him. Even then? A few pats and his body that’d been wound tight as a spring ready to bounce around the room and do some serious damage at the sheer velocity it ricocheted with began to relax and become less tense. Blaine took the bread crumbs of half-meant advice that Sebastian wasn’t the only one who noticed the insincerity of.
He opened his mouth to chip in that maybe he should. So far all his efforts were met with an understandable brick wall. No matter how heavy those bricks were every time his words were slammed against it. Crushing as it might be. He didn’t have the right to expect anything more or less from Kurt. Not after what he did. A noise coming from the hall halted what he was about to say. Blaine caught the sight of the guy a second after Sebastian. His mouth hung open as a heat blazed over his cheeks and burned all the way across his nose. “Sorry–I could’ve left.” Ignoring the way his throat closed up–Blaine noticed Sebastian segway past what both of them just saw with a seamless dismissal and stuttered to catch up to the speed. A clearing of his throat and he followed along.
Another leap, another turn past acknowledging something else. “You’re cutting yourself short. There’s a reason why I’m here.” Soon, he told himself, soon. Not now. I can’t lose you—. “Actually? Y-Yeah..,” he smiled..fake as it was..the effort had to count for something and hands brushing together as he stood up so they could set up the couch, “That sounds great.” At least the dawning realization he’d interrupted something much more inconveniencing than sleeping was enough to make him drop the other topic Sebastian was righteously at a loss on what to say about?
“Shhh. Killer. It’s okay.” Sebastian had no fucking idea what to do, other than to keep holding him. What could he do? What could he answer to that? “You were lonely, Blaine.” He offered, awkwardly, as he kept running his hand up and down his back. “I know you didn’t mean it.” Or at least he had to believe that. Not only because it was what made Blaine, BLAINE, and what had so much attracted him at first, but because if he let himself think about Blaine actually planning to cheat on Kurt with someone else, well, he better not. He tried to focus on knowing how it felt to fuck up, instead, and how he could help Blaine feel better about it. “At least you told him, that’s something, right?” He asked, unsure of what was really best as he’d never been on that end of a relationship. Or in a relationship, honestly. He held him tighter. This was actually the first time he was ever allowed to hold Blaine like that, and he was slowly starting to realize it. They’d hugged, before the proposal fiasco, but it’d been quick and Blaine hadn’t been abandoned on his arms like that.
Sebastian could feel how Blaine was almost shaking against him and it broke the heart most people didn’t think he had. Why was it that after all this time, to see Blaine hurt him like that, hurt him this much? It shouldn’t make as much sense as it did. He kept holding Blaine until he started to come down from his panic, and relax even if slowly, in his arms. Sebastian hadn’t noticed how thinner he looked until Blaine pulled back and he got to actually look him on the face properly. He shook his head. “It’s fine killer. Just wait here for a minute, I’m gonna get you some water, alright? Bathroom’s to the right if you want it.” He pointed out, nodding towards the bathroom door, before gently detaching from Blaine, and getting up. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned back around to him. “Don’t go anywhere.” He asked, again, before making his way upstairs, quickly. He hoped Blaine would listen to him, but he put it off his mind for a moment, as he made it to his bedroom. The guy he’d been sleeping with was still knocked out on his bed and Sebastian patted his ankle as he started to gather up his things. “Wake up, sexy. I need you out.” He patted him again as the boy started to grumble and threw the boy’s phone and wallet besides him. “I’ve got a friend over, time to go.” He said, as the other finally looked up at him, frowning. He shrugged. “Can always find me by the bar again.” He told him, before leaving, the door open as he passed through it so he could make his way downstairs again, to the kitchen this time, to get Blaine some water.
“Let me know if you want something stronger.” He said, as he walked back into the living room, a glass of cold water in hand, hoping to find Blaine in the couch.
“Nothing’s okay,” he slowly shook his head and balled up one fist to try some useless attempt at drying his face. “Nothing’s fine and nothing’s okay. I’m not sure if anything will ever be OKAY again.” A shift of positions and Sebastian stood up from the couch–watery hazel eyes blinked clear after a few tries. Blaine watched as Sebastian disappeared out of the room. A quiet groan parted his lips as both elbows were pressed against his upper thighs. Palms cupped the top of his head and he stared between his bended knees at the floor wondering why the hell he thought it was okay to do this to Sebastian. Of all people. Sebastian was his friend, yes. But he knew their history–one that never was, yet was so so close to being something much different–and knew that coming here to break down over making the biggest mistake of his life with someone else was probably akin to a slap in the face. He might be thick about a lot of things that pass him by. Blaine knows that about himself. Not even he could miss where this might be unfair for him to rely on Sebastian to get him through this. Not might be. It was. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to get up and leave. Even if the thought quickly crossed his mind while he sat there waiting.
Hearing the other drawing close again–Blaine straightened up. If that’s what you could call it. More like folded into himself while pretending he was sitting fully upright. Limbs moved–wrapped around his middle–and he reached for the water with a look of gratitude. “Thank you.” The other hand wrapped gently–so careful that it seemed Blaine thought Sebastian was made from hollow bones that were far too delicate and could break at the slightest touch. He didn’t want him leaving again. Not with the thoughts in his head being plugged up by the other’s presence. He didn’t want them flooding back in. “Please sit down,” he begged up at him–red faced and eyebrows lifted like he could beckon him in with the expression alone. “Sit down and don’t go. Water’s fine. I’m not sure if anything harder’s a good idea. Not LIKE THIS.” What was he supposed to say from here? I know I messed up. I ruined everything. I’ll never be the same again. Neither will he. And it’s all my fault. The words were on the tip of his tongue but he bit them back and swallowed the aftertaste with more water. “It’s all..over. I think. I’m not sure. But. I think so..” And there came the caving in of his chest again. A buckling of his belly and he sat the glass on the table near the couch before palming at his face to hide the crease forming between his brows. Couple of tattered deep breaths later–his fingers dropped with his gaze into his lap.
“I’m sorry… I don’t know why I thought laying this on you was a good idea,” he apologizes because that’s how he’s wired. “You’re just–the only one who I wanted to go to.”
( mssg » blaine | sent ) So when exactly was this again? How many days have you started out the day saying you do it? ( mssg » blaine | sent ) If you hadn’t kept it for so long I probably wouldn’t be as upset about this as I am? Like I’m a lot more pissed off now than I probably would have been. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) I’m not going to leave you. That’s the annoying part of this. I love you and that’s what is so frustrating. But I need time. Alone. As in I don’t want to see you for a bit so I don’t do or say something I’ll regret later.
( mssg » dave | sent ) Dave.. ( mssg » dave | sent )
The night of Sue’s Invitational. Every day since then. ( mssg » dave | sent ) I know. I know I shouldn’t have kept it in. You have every right to never want to see me again if that’s what you want. ( mssg » dave | sent ) I just want you to know I’ve been so sorry and I love you very much. Being with you is where I want to be. ( mssg » dave | sent )
If it’s time you need? I’ll give that to you. Whatever it takes to fix this..
( mssg » blaine | sent ) So you were going to just keep it quiet and tell me when the time ‘was right’ or what? Were you just going to not tell me or something? Do you think that would have been a better idea? ( mssg » blaine | sent ) Maybe. We can MAYBE talk. But start off with why. Not why you did it for now, but why you thought it’d be okay to hide it?
( mssg » dave | sent ) I was planning on telling you. I kept starting out the day telling myself that I’d do it. That today was the day. Then we would have such a good one that I didn’t want to ruin it. ( mssg » dave | sent )
The problem is? All of our days are good days. Eventually my excuse just.. I got petrified that I’d lose you and lost my nerve instead. ( mssg » dave | sent ) I don’t know why I thought hiding it was okay. I know it’s not. ( mssg » dave | sent )
( mssg » blaine | sent ) Um. I dunno. It had my name on it so I opened it. ( mssg » blaine | sent ) When were you going to tell me about the elevator?
( mssg » dave | sent ) Oh God, Dave.. ( mssg » dave | sent ) I’m so sorry. I was going to tell you.. I wrote it down. I was going to give that to you. I couldn’t do it. I should have but I couldn’t and I never meant for you to find out like this. ( mssg » dave | sent ) Can we please talk? Am I even allowed to ask? I understand if the answer is no. Just–whatever happens? Know that I’m so so sorry.
pianokeysandbowties back up 